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“I knew it would come to this,” Juanita is enraged.  “You let Republican women into politics and the next thing you know, they’re all cosmetologists.”

It appears that Carly Fiorina is the new Republican Women’s Brigade Fashion Expert.

“Or, so she thinks,” Juanita rolls her eyes.

WASHINGTON – Caught on an open mic as she was getting ready to go on CNN Wednesday, California’s new Republican senatorial nominee, Carly Fiorina, may have set a new record for most catty remarks per minute.

She repeatedly questioned her fellow Republican Meg Whitman’s “bizarre” decision to be interviewed by Fox host Sean Hannity and cracked herself up by mocking the physical appearance of her Democratic opponent, incumbent Sen. Barbara Boxer.

Boxer’s hairstyle, Fiorina laughed, is “so yesterday.”

“Let me tell you what is so yesterday,” Juanita begins.  “Stealing Hillary Clinton’s 1998 haircut.  That is yesterday, Honey.”

“Bless your heart, Carly, you poor dear.  If the worse you can say about your political opponent is that her hairdo is not to your liking, then you need to hang it up and go run for prom queen.”

“Okay, so here’s the deal.  All you girlfriends out there, let’s remind ourselves what is at stake here.  Our role as women is at stake here.  That’s too important a matter to be left to amateur cosmetologist wannabes like Carly Fiorina.”

“So, haul your rumps out in public today and make all the snide comments you can about Carly’s choice in shoes and her total lack of ability to accessorize. ”

“Carly has set the bar for this race and it’s our duty to uphold  her strong commanding example of American women’s leadership.”  (I hope you can hear the Star Spangled Banner in the background that Juanita is playing while she stands on her handy two step ladder.)

Thelma answer the call.

“Where’s Carly think she’s going in those Minnie Mouse shoes?” she shouts.

Verdelia joins in, “She can eat apples through a picket fence.”

“She ain’t got no butt.  You cannot be a United States Senator without a butt,” Buck throws out there to total silence.

“Well, it true,” he says.

“Buck, go back to fixing that sink and leave the high level political discussion to the women,” Juanita warns.

Click the little one to get the big one.

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For a long time, there was no contest on who was the most insane and corrupt Texas Congressman.  Tom DeLay held that title and the crown and robe that went along with it.

“And, boy howdy, he wore it proudly,” Juanita remembers fondly.  “Tom was so crazy that there wasn’t even a runner up.”

But, now, every Republican Congressvarmint in Texas is vying for Tom’s title.  They are doing well.  There’s Yachting Randy Neugebauer and we lay claim to Ron Paul and his offspring.   We’ve got Leo Burman, who thinks that God hates us and gave us Obama to prove it.  We’ve got Snookered Pete Olson and Prissy John Cornyn.  The adolescent Jeb Hensarling comes to mind and  now you can add John Culberson.

Culberson, who is so slick that he can’t keep his socks up, just loves him some big oil political contributions.  Since his district is landlocked, I suspect he felt pretty darn safe in saying —

Rep. John Culberson (R-Texas) took his opposition to the Obama Administration’s decision to enact a six-month moratorium on deep-water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico directly to the President Wednesday, sending him a letter that asked him to view the ongoing BP oil spill in its “proper historical context as a statistical anomaly.”

“A statistical anomaly?  Well, that sure makes me feel better,” Juanita announced.   “Up until now, I thought it was a catastrophic killer.  But now I know it’s just numbers.  Black pencil marks on white paper.  Simple.  Not threatening.  In fact, nice and crisp.”

She paused and then slowly turned red from her feet upward until she blurted, “People died, you damn fool.”

Texas:  Are they crazy when we elected them or does being a Republican congressman make them that way?

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Your friends at The World’s Most Dangerous beauty Salon, Inc, have the popcorn popped and the beer on ice.  It’s Republican Convention time!

Texas Republicans will be descending on Dallas this weekend, armed to the hilt, to declare war on … you guessed it … each other.

“Baby doll, this s gonna be a Democrat’s dream,” Juanita promises.  “They are already starting to toss hand grenades at each other and throwing around the ultimate insult – promising to put each other on their prayer lists.  Honey, that’s how the Republicans like to insult people now.  When they disagree with you, they say, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ in that voice that really says ‘you’re going to hell and there’s not much I can probably do about it, but since I’m a better person than you are, I will ask God to forgive you because God listens to me but not to you.’ And then you’re supposed to feel real bad and change your opinion so you can go to heaven like they are, but you’ll never really be equal to them because you’re just not one of God’s favorites like they are.”

We are glad to have Juanita to explain these things because plenty of Republicans have been saying that to us lately.

“When they say that to me, I look up and say, “oh God, forgive them for using the Bible as their own personal  weapon.  They know what what they do.”  Sometimes that shuts them up but generally they just looked peeved because they know in their hearts that God is not your Facebook friend or even following you on Twitter,” Juanita continues and continues and continues because she gets excited at Texas Republican convention time.

Last convention, two years ago, the Texas Republicans passed resolutions supporting state sovereignty, making English the official language of Texas and America,  making it a felony to give a same sex couple a marriage license, and to require animals to wear pants and amusing hats.  Okay, so I just made up the animals thing but the Texas GOP is so nuts that you almost believed, huh?

This year they have some new ideas —

Keith Houser of Southlake, for instance, hopes to add a measure that requires the top two leaders in the U.S. to be “natural born” citizens, meaning that both parents are citizens. His measure would require presidential and vice presidential candidates to submit proof to be listed on the Texas ballot.

“This is our shot across the bow,” Houser said. “Mr. Obama, if you are going to run again, the state of Texas will not recognize you.”

“Shoot, Mr. Houser, Hon, it’s even because I don’t recognize you,” Juanita grins.

Texas Republican Party Convention – a grand time will be had by all.

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Juanita best guess is that the most wonderful things about Nikki Haley’s almost- win last night in South Carolina is threefold:

1.  South Carolina still gets to carry the Oh My God There’s Hoochy Going On Here All Over The Damn Place title.

2.  Finally, wimmen folks get to partake of knoodlin’ scandals.  That’s equal rights.

3.  We get to talk about a and b during the run off.

Heckuva deal if you ask me.

It appears that one of Haley’s gentleman friends is not going away.

“Oh, thank you, Political Manna Goddess, for this small but lovely gift,” Juanita says.

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“I’m beginning to think that Countdown should be named ‘Keith Olbermann, featuring Bob Cavnar and His Triple Digit IQ,'” Juanita suggests.

Her friend, and great Texan, Bob Carvar has become a regular on Countdown.  And, there’s a reason for that.  Bob knows oil.  Personally. This ain’t his first oil patch rodeo.

Take a look right here for a video of Bob talking about Doomsday Stuff that is very scary and super creepy.

“I’m telling you that BP is a herd of point blank liars,” Juanita says.  “They lie so much that they have to send the dogs to fetch their kids because even children won’t believe them when they call.”