.

“This is exactly why Sweet Jesus threw the moneychangers out of the temple,” Juanita announces.  “Lookie here.”

“Here’s the deal,” she continues, “Anybody see anything wrong with the vice chairman of a Swiss bank implicated in a major tax evasion criminal investigation raising money for a 501(c)(4) that will spend it to elect members of Congress this fall without disclosing its donors?”

“Well,  Phil Gramm is the “Swiss” banker, otherwise known as the unindicted vice chairman of UBS,”  she explains.

“And here’s how it works,” she continues.

To jumpstart fundraising, the pro-Republican American Crossroads 527 group is reaching out to powerful politicos such as ex-Sen. Phil Gramm of Texas and aggressively using a new money-collecting entity that can give donors more privacy.

Lackluster fundraising in April and May pulled in only a total of roughly $1.25 million, prompting American Crossroads to recently set up a 501(c)(4) nonprofit arm that is also allowed to get involved in political campaigns, but is less transparent in reporting requirements. Deploying both entities, American Crossroads raised about $8.5 million in June, says Steven Law, the group’s president. Politico first reported the $8.5 million total and some details about the new 501(c)(4)

“And Crossroads has some high falutin’ plans in the works.  They are ‘trying to corral more than $50 million this year to run television ads and conduct get out the vote drives to boost the fortunes of a few dozen GOP Senate and House candidates in November.'”

A recent portrait of Phil Gramm

“Thank you, Phil Gramm, for your help in securing American democracy with open and honest government,” she says and then adds, “Sarcasm is just another of our friendly free public services.”

“So, the plan is to raise money from unidentified sources to elect Republicans.  As far as we know, this money will come from international drug cartels, the Illuminati, Osama bin Laden, and the Boys from Brazil.  If you would help us get this word out, we would appreciate it,” Juanita winks.

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Regulars here know that there is a local connection to the Hannah Giles and James O’Keefe fiasco at ACORN.

Terese Raia: Pornography Expert

Hannah is the granddaughter of Terese Raia, Fort Bend’s modern day  answer to Carrie Nation.  Except that instead of alcohol, Ms. Raia is concerned with s-e-x.  She’s against it.  Totally.  Especially if it’s fun.  No, wait, even if it’s not fun, she’s against it.  Ms. Raia is a member of the State Republican Executive Committee and pulls some mighty weight in Christian Coalition Republican circles. And even though she lives in a swanky house and drives a super swanky car, she is well-known for being stingy.

So, hoots and hollers of laughter broke out at the Beauty Salon this afternoon when it was discovered that Hannah is being sued. For money.

In February, Hannah Giles admitted that the flamboyant pimp and prostitutes costumes in which she and O’Keefe were seen in some of the videos were never worn inside ACORN offices, contrary to most news reports. “In truth, O’Keefe represented himself to low-level ACORN workers as the college law school boyfriend of Giles, desperately trying to save her from the house of an abusive pimp who she believed would kill her,”

But, that was not the story that Hannah swore was the truth.

The Demure and Modest Miss Hannah

The demure and lovely Hannah was blessed with a Grandmother with influence so she was even recognized in the United States Congress by none other than Congressman Pete Olson.

Rep. Pete Olson today introduced a resolution in honor of Hannah Giles and James O’Keefe III for their diligent investigative journalism exposing the fraudulent and potentially illegal activities of the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now or ACORN.

“Oh bless his heart,” Juanita commented.  “It’ll take months to scrub all the egg off his face.”

“Hannah has learned a valuable lesson early in her life:  if somebody wants you to pretend to be a hooker, you’re gonna end up losing money on the deal.  It’s that simple.  Also, pull up your pants, girl.  You look like a floozy.”

I am certain that her grandmother is still very proud of her.  She just doesn’t mention it much anymore.  And that’s the problem with being haughty.  The bigger they are, the louder splat they make when they fall.

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Jeromy Murphy, the Official Cartoonist of The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc, has a new one for us.

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Juanita has often told Thelma that some of her uber-conservative statements will come back to bite her in the butt.  But, she didn’t mean literally.

Charles Hurth III, was one of the GOP Political Operatives who bankrolled the GOP’s effort to get the Green Party candidate on the ballot in the Texas’ Governor’s race.  They know that Rick Perry can’t win fair and square so they brought in Republican money to pay for a petition drive for the Greens.

Charles Hurth III takes this biting on the butt thing very seriously.

But Hurth’s first claim to fame was being sued in 1987 for approaching a fellow law student in a bar and biting her on the buttocks so hard that she required medical attention. During the trial, Hurth admitted that he’d used the same toothy overture to approach two other women at fraternity parties—and he said that his latest victim should have taken the gesture as a compliment. The jurors didn’t buy it, and Hurth was successfully sued for $27,500.

“Seriously,” Juanita hoots, “the jerk bit a woman on the butt hard enough to break skin and require medical attention.  He thought it was sexy.”

“On the sexy scale, that ranks right below hitting me over the head with a club and dragging me back to your cave by my hair,” Juanita says.

“And, he’s working for Rick Perry now.  He’s a Republican Political Operative.  So, I would personally like to thank the Republican Party for their continuing amusing collection of weird men.  I would also like to thank them for keeping the ball of sin rolling.”

“Maybe the next time one of Rick Perry’s operatives wants to catch a woman he could use a coyote trap.”

.

I suspect you all know that Juanita is a motorcycle rider, and in her early days did some stunt riding.  Her first husband, Bubba Hank, may he rest in peace, was not fond of motorcycles.  He did, however, ride a bicycle. “Some men need a motor between their legs,” Bubba Hank used to say, “others supply their own.”  Juanita immediately married him.

It has recently come to Juanita’s attention that there’s another reason that Bubba Hank may have been right.

It appears that Republic Harley Davidson of Stafford, Texas, right down the road from Juanita’s Beauty Salon, has become the one-stop crazy shop.  They have invited Laura Ingraham to babble over bikes.

“The poor dear is doing a book signing at a Harley Davidson dealership.  I hope she ain’t planning on wearing that leather jacket because we’ll have to scrape her puddled skinny butt off the sidewalk if she intends to dress like a biker chick in Houston,” Juanita warns.

“It appears that rightwing ditz Ingram has written a book called ‘The Obama Diaries’ because she couldn’t spell ‘memoir.’  I don’t mean to be tacky, but with the way she talks through her nose, I’d wear rubber gloves to pick up anything she’s touched because the booger blast could be bad.”

“I see where they will have wine and cheese, which is a good way to go because all you gotta do is toss some Cheese Wiz out there because Laura brings the whine.”

So, if anybody out there supports truth or justice or the American way, do not buy your motorcycles at Republican Republic Harley Davidson in Stafford, Texas.

.

“Okay,” Juanita begins this afternoon after getting back from lunch with Miss Bessy, her mentor and favorite teacher at The Elite Beauty School of Del Rio, Texas, “Miss Bessy has got me to wondering something.”

“You know those bumbling Russian spies we caught who apparently lived large and were dumber than bean dip?”

“Well, Honey, we traded them to the Russians for some of our spies who got caught.  I hope we also got a first round draft choice, a player to be named later, and Lebron James.”

“But, Miss Bessy and I are wondering.  Were our spies as dumb as theirs?  Apparently so, because they got caught, too.”

“So, why do we want them back?  I hope we aren’t counting on them to stop the oil spill or figure out how to get the economy working.  In fact, Miss Bessy and I think they should be sent to Arizona, where the other stupid people live.”

“Miss Bessy, who is a very wise woman, believes we should send all the stupid people to Arizona so they’ll leave the rest of us alone.”

“At the very least, they should have to wear a tee-shirt that says ‘Dumber Than Russians’ every time they go in public so we’ll know.”

Missy Bessy should get elected to Congress.