.

The Other Bob, El Grande Jefe, has a book coming out in October.  You can pre-order it at Amazon, like I just did, or not be part of the cool kids.  Your choice.

Order it by clicking here.  It’s like ten bucks.  You’ve got ten bucks.  It ain’t making you any smarter sitting in your wallet.

Not be one of the cool kids by clicking here.  (It’s the Fort Bend County Tea Party SOCIETY!  Society?  Oh, give me a giant break.)

.

.

.

“Okay,” Juanita begins, “so this lawyer is out on the firing range with his custom silenced AR-15 rifle, minding his own business.”

Raymond Peake, Angry Old White Guy

“Raymond Peake, a corrections officer, comes along and sends him to that Great Writ Hearing In The Sky with his own AR-15, and steals the lawyer’s rifle.  Like taking candy from a baby.”

“Now I know this is kinda ironic in the face of the whole guns-for-protection department.  It does seem to me that a firing range would be the easiest place to dispatch people.  It’s kinda the OK Corral except more camo and meaner guns.”

“Anyway, Peake had a perfectly good reason for shooting the lawyer.  From his statement to police:”

Peake said he has been stealing guns for the purpose of aiding an organization that Peake refused to name. Peake said the organization is collecting guns for the purpose of overthrowing the federal government (of the United States of America). Peake said he and Tuso together are members of this organization. Peake told your affiant that he would kill to defend his country and he was stealing weapons to defend his country.

“Now, if you remember your Shakespeare, in Henry VI, a guy named Dick the Butcher is plotting revolution with some of his friends.  Shakespeare, ever mindful that the easiest way to tyranny is to remove the guardians of independent thinking, says the first thing to do is kill all the lawyers.” Professor Juanita says this will be on the test.

Juanita continues, “I have serious doubts that Raymond Peake is up on his Shakespeare.  So, I’m just gonna guess that he wants to overthrow the government and needs lots of rifles to shoot down the Blue Angles or an A10 Thunderbolt or Hillary Clinton on horseback.  I dunno.”

“And to make things even more confusing,” she continues, “don’t they teach people not to shoot a lawyer?  Who the hell is gonna defend you?  What the hell were you thinking?  Is your posse gonna come break you out?”

“You wanna hear the really scary thing?  This guy was a prison guard and had passed a psychiatric test.  And he had damn guns.”

.

“Bless her heart,” Juanita says in that tone that lets you know something tacky is following.

“Nevada’s Teabagger candidate for Senate, Sharon Angle, let the cat out of the bag and then chased it around the room, much to the delight of even marginally sane people,” Juanita grins.  “There is nothing like giving away the entire Teabagger election strategy.”

During yesterday’s Fox News Channel’s special elections show on primaries and midterms around the country, Sharron Angle had the following exchange with an incredulous Carl Cameron about her media strategy so far:

Angle: “We needed to have the press be our friend.”

Cameron: “Wait a minute. Hold on a second. To be your friend…?”

Angle: “Well, truly–”

Cameron: “That sounds naive.”

Angle: “Well, no. We wanted them to ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported.”

Cameron: [speechless, laughs]

“And by the way, Sharon,” Thelma says, “the Little Dutch Boy called.  He wants his haircut back.”

“Yeah, but I think even Fox News is giving her his finger,” Juanita chuckles.

“Bless her heart,” the entire salon said in unison.

.

I apologize, but this can’t wait.

.

Y’all Juanita needs to win lunch with Karl Rove.  Seriously.  That would be oh so cool.  We just gotta do this.

Texas Governor Rick Perry raffles off stuff to get people to join his campaign on Facebook. Can you even imagine the money we could raise to watch Juanita have lunch with Karl Rove?  I’m damn near certain she’d pick Big Rick’s Tea Room.

Oh joy!  She could also win lunch with David Barton, and get him to identify the founding fathers quotes.

And just FYI to Becker Vineyards:  Juanita and the girls will never buy another bottle of your wine.  That’s gonna cost ya, Bub.

.

Juanita says I can let you in on a little secret.  Now don’t be spreading this all around.

Juanita has a little doohickey that lets her know what search terms people use who accidentally end up on this website.  Sometimes they enter in “Juanita’s Beauty Shop” in Google to find their way here.  Juanita’s little doohickey makes her a list of what terms are used and some of them are pretty darn funny.

Now let me say here and now that Juanita has no way of knowing who you are.  She can come close to knowing where you are, like what city, but she cannot see back through the computer to see you in your pajamas at the computer screen.  Which she counts as a blessing because, Lord, child, you are a mess.

So, a funny happened today.

Here’s the search term that came from a computer somewhere in Sugar Land.

So, Juanita got to wondering what kinds of results you’d get if you entered “where to find republican yard signs in fort bend county.”  She was curious about how far down the list did they have to go to get to her.

Well, howdy, she’s #2. (Hit the little picture to get the big one.)

But here’s the part that makes life worth living:  Someone who wants to know where she can find Republican yard signs in Fort Bend County gets my buddy Hal’s website first and Hal ain’t had nothing nice to say about Republicans since Elvis died.  They get me second, which ain’t gonna please them at all because I make fun of the locals, then they get a Christian Science Monitor article about how Texas Democrats are on the rise.

Fourth, they get an old website of mine which ain’t gonna be a GOP crowd pleaser.  Then they get a lawsuit where Republican Sheriff Candidate Chief Deputy Craig Brady sued the county because he loves activist judges and trial lawyers.  Then they get Burnt Orange Report. Next is a local blog about the super nasty GOP DA race, and then my old website again, and – oh you’re gonna love this – the #10 place they get sent?  Democratic Party Steve Brown’s campaign website.

The GOP strategy is pretty straight forward. It is viscerally negative to any Democratic idea or initiative. It starts and ends with a general conclusion and is void of any analysis. If any rationale is given (which is rare) it is usually another general conclusion which obstructs any debate. The strategy is premised on the GOP’s ability to manipulate public opinion rather than to educate or persuade through thoughtful debate. Talking points are calculated to evoke an emotional reaction and not to illuminate the issue. Poll questions are slanted to reveal the answer desired by the party taking the poll. Opponents are vilified and shouted down.

They have to go to #14 waaaay down the list to even get a GOP website.  Then it’s just Charlie Howard, a state rep, asking for money.

What’s not to love about this?

So, since they couldn’t find a GOP yard sign, I made them one.

Enjoy, Google Yard Sign Looker,  Honey.  And come back now, ya hear?