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Tom Delay wants to go to trial, but he wants the trial moved to his next door neighbor’s house and wants his church choir to be the jury.  It also wouldn’t mind it if the judge was his brother-in-law and his daughter was the court reporter. Nice try, Tom.

And reason he believes it should be moved from Travis County?

“Everybody knows Travis County is the last bastion of liberalism in Texas,” DeLay said. “There is no way I can get a free and fair trial in this county.”

“Okay, Bubbie,” Juanita grins, “First off, you are not gonna get a free trial any place.  Trials are not free.  They are very expensive.  Just because Jack Abramoff gave you free dinners and free trips doesn’t mean everything is free.  So just give up that free notion.”

“Now fair is different question.  If you don’t trust Texans with your case, perhaps we could have the trial moved to another state.  Let’s say … Vermont.  Okay, maybe not Vermont.  How about North Carolina?  No, wait, they went blue in 2008 so they’re just crawling with a liberal infestation, too.”

“Humm … we’re running out of room on the dance floor, Tom.  Maybe we could move it to another country?  How about Canada?  No, they got that socialized medicine.  I guess France is totally out of the question and Venezuela … well, ’nuff said.”

“I’ve got it!  Iran!  We can move your trial to Iran!” she shouts.  “They have one of those crazy religious nut leaders that you so adore and heaven knows that your jury will be filled with your fellow religious fanatics.  And nobody ever accused Iran of being liberal.  Heck, they’ll run the whole trial around religion.  You’ll fit right in.”

“Well, I’m glad that’s settled,” Juanita smiles.

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… we let Jesus sort you out.

Juanita saw this pickup right next to the WalMart a couple days ago.  In all fairness, the library is across the street.  In more all fairness, they didn’t turn the direction to the library.

A close-up of the bumper stickers?

One side says, “Gun Owners for McCain / Palin” and the other side says, “Christians 4 McCain / Palin”

Make up your mind, Bub.

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No hay electricity en Casa de Juanita hoy.

Do not send her tacky emails saying she’s not approving your comments that disagree with her fast enough to suit you.  As she said in the rules, that’s the price you pay.  She’s not in a real pleasant mood.

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So hot we had to feed the chickens cracked ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

So hot it melted leather while it was still on the cow.

It boiled the water inside a watermelon while it was still on the vine.

It broiled dirt.

Corn is poppin’ on the stalk.

So hot that we saw a rattlesnake crawl into a campfire to find shade under the coffeepot.

The chickens were pluckin’ themselves.

People are linin’ up to sit in the mesquite coals at the local BBQ joint  just to cool down.

It’s hot as high school love.

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“Y’all,” Thelma began this morning as she entered the beauty salon, “Glen Beck just said that Rick Sanchez is the dumbest man ever on tv.”

“Honey, I’m a high school graduate, but even I know that’s nuts,” Thelma laughed.  “Urkel is the dumbest man ever on tv.”

“Yeah, Babe,” Juanita responded, “but Glenn is holding court at second place.”

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These giant billboards have been sprouting up all over the county.  Click the little one to get the big one.  Sorry the sun was reflecting off it.  I’ll try to get a better picture.

Now, Juanita never claimed to be no big time, highly paid political consultant expert.  In fact, she would prefer to be called a whole lot of tacky things before she’s called that.  Freeloading Yankee Terrorist Narcotrafficking Bad Dresser is a step up from political consultant.

However, it does seem to her that a few basic principles might apply to political sign making.

1.  I know they say that politics is show business for ugly people, but for goodness sake: if you’re kinda goofy looking, do not put your picture on a political sign.  And, if you’re 5 foot 4 inches tall , making yourself larger than lifesize on your signs might make passer-bys think, “Yeah, in your dreams, Little Buddy.”

2.  Do not put up political signs that take longer to read than War and Peace.  This sucker is on a road where the speed limit is 65.  By the time I read this thingy, I’d be about 60 yards downfield with a very puzzled look on my face.  In fact, I made an illegal U-Turn three times just to read it all.  So, arrest me.

3.  Red and yellow, kill a fellow?  Just saying.  I mean, do you really want people thinking of snakes when they see your sign?

4.  Do not put up expensive, and nevertheless tacky, political signs for an election you’re not running in.  This election is not even on the ballot until 2012.  Asking your political consultant if this is a good idea is like asking a barber if you need a haircut.

I can almost promise you that people will be confused when they don’t see your name on the 2010 election ballot, and they’ll forget your strategy by 2012 and just assume you’re back campaigning as a non-incumbent because you lost two years before.

5.  Did I mention if you’re goofy looking….. ?

6.  Okay, when you run in 2012, all demographic experts have predicted that this county will most certainly be minority-majority and Democratic.  Plus, Barack Obama will be on the ballot, turning out the minority vote.  You’re a Republican.   Quit wasting money.

Republicans on the ballot this election are not real pleased about you going out and raising money for two years from now that they need this election.  There’s a word  for it: rude.

7. Think real hard and recall how Milton Wright’s endorsement was the kiss of death in the GOP primary.  Ain’t diddle squat that’s changed about that.

I am dead solid certain that there’s more thing wrong with those signs, but I’ll have to drive by them a time or two more to see it all.

Meanwhile, that picture of you may make momma and daddy real proud but you can bet it’ll re-appear in two years on Democratic literature.  This ain’t Cowboy County anymore, Little Buddy.

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