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I am probably the last person on the planet to find out about this really cool thing.  I usually am.

You can find out what Glenn Beck has warned us about.

It’s work safe.  Have fun.

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Juanita was standing in the middle of the beauty salon this morning holding a copy of an email that was forwarded to her by David.  David is a good liberal man raising an amazing teenager daughter, so this email got under his skin so badly that he gave Juanita permission to post it on the beauty salon’s website.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Juanita requests.  “I’m gonna print this email from a guy named Joe Palazzo.  Your part is to let Joe know how you feel about his attitude toward First Lady Michelle Obama.  We will let David send this website with your comments to Joe so he will know how popular this is going to make him among the hooter toter gender.”

The picture?  Left to right – Princess Letizia of Spain,  French First Lady Carla Bruni, and American First Lady Michelle Obama.

Joe’s intellectual comment?

That is the kind of ass you get if you’re black and fill it with lobster and caviar.  Notice her forward lean with her tree-swinging arms slightly in front of her hips.  And look at the other two giving her room — they are kinda standing a little to the rear as to not get knocked down in case the black mamba should suddenly turn around to wave at the photographers.

“Okay,” Juanita says, “tell me, Girlfriends, how big is Joe’s winkie?”

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Our local Republicans will never win any award for making good yard signs.  First there was Tea Party County Commissioner Andy Meyers and signs for the 2002 election that gained him even the scorn of some in his own party —-

—- which was just damn offensive.

Now, the best they can come up with is this one I saw tonight in front of a local criminal defense lawyer’s office.

“Honest to gosh,” Juanita says, “I had to drive past this sucker three times to figure out what it said at the bottom.  Then I had to stop my car, get out, and climb in a danged ditch to take a picture.  Any pictures from the road weren’t readable at all.”

“So, let’s face it, it’s a poorly designed yard signs.  Too many words.  Goofy font.”

“However, that misses the point.  The point is that the GOP does not, I repeat not, need to be slinging mud in the spending department.  I know they’re all so old that they forget things, but how can anyone forget 8 years of George Bush running this country into debt?”

“I mean, who can forget that other than the old people who sit in their yards and yell at little kids?  I know they forgot it because they’ve overdosed on tea.”

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I know this is going to come as an enormous shock to the customers at Juanita’s Beauty Salon, but I have been tapped as the person to tell you that Glenn Beck is liar.

Juanita just can’t bring herself to say his name.  She calls him Buffalo Bob and his fans The Howdy Doodys.  “None of them will ever hurt their backs totin’ their brains,” she suspects.

It appears that Beck lied right there in front of Abe Lincoln, God, and a slew of Doodys.

During his speech, Beck claimed, “I went to the National Archives, and I held the first inaugural address written in his own hand by George Washington.”

Not so much.

It was an eyebrow-raising revelation and certainly an original image: Beck cradling the actual words of the first president. But would the persnickety gatekeepers of the nation’s historical legacy at the National Archives allow some talk show bombthrower to put his mitts on a rare (and fragile) artifact? The answer, it turns out, is no way. Beck was not telling the truth.

Good on America for not trusting Buffalo Bob with the good china, pointy scissors, or Washington’s first inaugural address.

And the Doodys will claim come hell or high water that through divine intervention, Glenn Beck truly was able to hold Washington’s inaugural address and the keys to the magic hot rod in his hands.

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Juanita read today that Michelle Bachmann is hallucinating again. In describing Glenn Beck’s Old White People’s Pity Party in Washington, DeeCee, Bachmann said —-

“The crowds were overwhelming, and if you saw the aerials on the Drudge Report this weekend, there was an aerial photo. Unofficially, off the record, we talked to one of the guys from the National Park Police who told us he thought it was 1.6 million. There had to be over a million people there. People were packed in from the Washington Monument all the way to the Lincoln Memorial. And for anyone who’s ever been there, that’s a huge area.”

“Hell, Hon, even Glenn Beck thought there was less than a fourth of that number there.  An independent expert put the number at 87,000.  Bless Michelle’s heart, I think she’s so used to adding numbers to her IQ that she just got into the adding habit and made a damnfool of herself on teevee again.  If they gave Emmy Awards for that, she’d be a shoe-in.”

“Which brings us to this,” she continues.  “Somebody came up with the idea that Stephen Colbert should do a satire rally. ”

This would be the high water mark of American satire. Half a million people pretending to suspend all rational thought in unison. Perfect harmony. It’ll feel like San Francisco in the late 60s, only we won’t be able to get any acid.”

“I would so go to Washington Dee Cee for a humorathon.  In my mind, I’m already there.  The best part is that the Old White People Swimming in Self Pity wouldn’t get it.  No wait, the best part would be that Glenn Beck wouldn’t get it.  No wait, the best part would be watching Jon Stewart imitate Glenn Beck.  No wait, the best part would be all the hooting laughter.  No wait, the best part would that I would be there!”

Would it be the best time ever?  Would a two ton hog make a lot of bacon?

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This is a walleyed snot nosed hissy fit.  Duck, because I’m pitchin’ that sucker today.

About 10 years ago, there where only 2 handicapped parking places at our courthouse.  I complained loudly and bitterly about it.  The old fat white men who ran the county tried an end around around the Americans With Disability Act by counting the courthouse annex – which is located in a whole ‘nother town – as “the courthouse complex” and put about 50 handicapped parking spaces there.

This worked out handily for them because they reserved all the parking places in front of the courthouse for themselves.  I worked for a newspaper then and I took pictures of these elected officials parking their SUV’s at the front door of the courthouse and then waddling the twenty feet to the front door.

Meanwhile, the elderly and the infirmed had to park a block away and do the best they could walking over rough roads to get to the courthouse to conduct business.

By my threatening to sue over the end run of the ADA, we got a couple more parking spaces at the courthouse.  But, not enough.

I have been attending a trial at the courthouse  the last couple  weeks.  So far, I have managed to get a handicapped parking space only once – when I got there after 2:30 on a Friday.

There are 8 handicapped parking spaces and it appears that most of them are used by handicapped county employees.  However, there are two parking spaces on the front row and 11 more on the row directly across from that — all reserved for judges and elected officials.  There’s a  movie of it right here

Public servant, my patootie!  These old fat white guys place their pleasure over the needs of the sick and infirmed.

So, here’s my plan.  Number One:  if those healthy white guys cannot walk a block to collect a paycheck (which, by the way, we should start gift wrapping), then I’m voting against every damn one of them.  Second, I’m gonna start doing bed checks.  You’re going to see me on Friday afternoons taking pictures of who isn’t parked in their spot.

I’m not joking, Elected Officials.  This is war.  And if you’ve got the same little arrangement at the new courthouse, I will open a website called WhereIsMyJudge dot com and make your lives miserable.  That’s a damn promise.

This morning, I saw an elderly woman with a walker have to traverse the potholes and the traffic to get to the courthouse she bought to see an elected official she is paying.  And that’s when I went over the edge.