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Juanita says the best part of any election is watching the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club get all afire with the holy spirit.  It’s more powerful than lust, Honey!

“The Belles are real except they call themselves the Spirit of Freedom Republican Women’s Club and they even have a Facebook page, which is kinda amazing because up until a couple of years ago they thought the internet was a tool of the devil,” Juanita reports. “However, they only have 53 friends on Facebook so maybe that whole “not the devil” thing hasn’t made the rounds yet.”

“Their Facebook page is dominated – and Honey, I mean dominated with a capital dom – by a man.  Some dude named Bill does their talking for them because …. well, hell, they’re just wimmen.  It’s not like they can type on their own or anything.”

“And they have a letter for prospective members.  I, personally, like this part best,” Juanita grins.

As you receive our monthly newsletter, The Lifted Lamp, you will find its pages filled with a variety of ways to become involved. First and foremost, pray for America. That act alone, added with prayers of all others, will make the greatest impact. Then, read on to find other opportunities in which you can participate.

“Okay, Hon, you pray while I block walk.  Excellent plan, just excellent,” Juanita says.

“Now, I’m not saying that this is a photo of the Belles’ last meeting.  No, I am not saying that.”

“I’m just saying that it damn well could be,” she smiles.

“I swear to goodness that one week I’m gonna get my band, Bitchin’ Betty and the Sequined Backhoes, to stand in the parking lot and serenade their meeting with Aretha Franklin tunes.  Honey, these women need a dose of glitter and a quart of estrogen.  A little Aretha will do their souls some good.”

.

Getting this to happen has been so slow that it’s like sipping buttermilk through  straw.

Calif. (AP) — A federal judge on Thursday declared the U.S. military’s ban on openly gay service members unconstitutional and said she will issue an order to stop the government from enforcing the ”don’t ask, don’t tell‘‘ policy nationwide. U.S. District Judge Virginia Phillips said the ban violates the First and Fifth Amendment rights of gays and lesbians

“This idea has been dragging anchor for a decade,” Juanita says.  “People are people for goodness sake.  I am simply tickled to death to announce the formation of the first Fort Bend LGBT Club in Fort Bend County.  If you’re on Facebook, go friend them.  If you’re local, join us on Sunday afternoon to hear Mayor Annise Parker help kick off this great group right in Tom DeLay’s neighborhood.  Don’t ya just love that!  I lived it see it, dammit!”

.

My friend Kary sent me this link to a speech you just gotta hear because it’s angry white Republican men on steroids.

This poor dude just has too many birds on his antenna.

He says he has a Master’s in communications.  Kary thinks it’s from Our Lady of Perpetual Insanity.

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Word has it that John Boehner is already plottin’ his cahootin’ to hire back Kenneth Starr and spend all your money trying to find out if Barack Obama ever did the wild thing.

I ain’t joking.  If the GOP takes back the House —

The plans presently under discussion include defunding some parts of the new health care law and delaying implementation of others, withholding some of the unspent stimulus funds, and using the oversight power of Republican-led committees to investigate the Obama administration.

“The goal, obviously, would be to make it a one-term presidency,” said a GOP lobbyist briefed on the talks.

“Now, here’s some guy with a powerful case of jaundice – no, seriously, nobody in good health is the color of mule tinkle – already figuring out ways to impeach Obama.  I mean, Honey, I can just see Ken Starr checking his bank account and guaranteeing that they’ll be a blue dress even if he has to sew it and wear it himself,” she predicts.

“Now, Baby, if this doesn’t scare you into salvation and a Sunday School seat, nothing will.  It gives me a mouthful of my own heart.”

“If the GOP takes the House, the Teahadist will be running America.  And the second person they’ll ‘investigate’ is you.  You can take that to the bank and cash a check on it.”

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B. K. “Bev” Carter, owner, publisher and media mogul of the Fort Bend Star newspaper came into the beauty salon this morning because she needed Juanita to get crepe paper stains out of her bleached blonde hair.  Bev is a party girl.  Where there is crepe paper, Cool Whip, or promise of a Happy Hour, you will find Bev.

This week Bev was on a roll about the new Sugar Land baseball team.  They held a contest to name the team and it appears that all the people who live in Sugar Land have had an imagination-ectomy.  You have to remember that this is the city that almost got sued over stealing the slogan:  “Sugar Land: There is No Equal.”  Seriously.  They thought that was awesomely clever.  Awesome enough to steal.

So, they are going to get a semi-pro baseball team.  And they have to name it.  So, they held a contest.  I think first prize is dinner with the mayor.  Second prize is lunch and dinner with the mayor.  Third prize is a day with Councilman Russell Jones, which explains why nobody entered.

It’s obvious that nobody entered because …. well, I’ll let Bev explain ….

Susan, this latest move by Sugar Land is on a par with the sink hole that was the Sugar Fest held in the hottest month of the year and run by the crazy mayor’s wife.

Sugar Land is holding a contest to see which of the three final names will be chosen as the baseball team name. The finalists are:

Sugar Land King Canes: King Canes honors the pride and winning attitude of our region. The King Canes pays tribute to our sugar history and prosperity.

Sugar Land Lizard Kings: As the Texas state reptile, the horned lizard means business! This horned “King of the Lizards” is crafty and cunning. No other professional sports team in America is led by a lizard, although a cousin is a spokes-reptile for a certain insurance company.

Sugar Land Skeeters: The Sugar Land Skeeters celebrates our hometown love of warm Texas nights and the fun of minor league baseball. This playful identity shows America we have an itch for baseball, and was a strong favorite of younger submitters!

Knowing how you love baseball, I imagine you head is exploding right now.

Here is some preliminary comments I made to our councilwoman Jacquie Chaumette when she informed me today:

Are those people from Opening Day Partners smoking something? They claim 8,000 entries and this is the best they can come up with? Maybe they had some signs and tee-shirts left over from an unsuccessful team in the past?

Jacquie, this is tragic! This is probably the three worst names anyone can think of. I predict that this project is dead in the water before it even begins if these ya-loos can’t come of with any better names than this. I am embarrassed by these.

Just off the top of my head, and I didn’t enter this but I’m sure someone did–what is wrong with “The Imperials?”

OMG, this is horrible. I can’t imagine what the business community is going to think of this.

But thank goodness I have a column for next week, and the week after, and the one after that.

Sugar Land's Finest - The former congressman, the former mayor, and their imaginary friend

Juanita is not as upset as Bev.

Juanita knows Sugar Land.  She also knows their voting record.  Juanita is just thrilled they didn’t name it The Nobamas.  Or, Aliens Go Home.  Or, The Jesus Bats.

“Honey, I think they should name them ‘The Tea Partiers” and just be done with it,’ Juanita says.

“Bev, I have spent a lifetime watching Sugar Land flout bad ideas – remember the light poles down the middle of the median on 90A and the Royal Crown Whiskey symbols all over the freeway overpasses?  I really expected nothing less than the worse from Sugar Land.  And, God love ‘um, they delivered.”