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Juanita has decided that the new airport pat-downs are nothing more than gate rape.

“This is America, dammit,” she hollers.  “Why the hell are we putting up with this crapola?  One of my customers is threatening to take her aging butt to the airport and strip down nakkid as a jaybird and scare little children and grown men.  I’m going with her.”

When a San Diego man opted out of security screening using the Advanced Imaging Technology (AIT) at San Diego International Airport on Friday, he stripped down to his underwear in an attempt to avoid the pat-down procedures.

Samuel Wolanyk took the protest started Nov. 13 by John Tyner to a whole new level.

While Tyner videotaped his refusal to be patted down, telling the agent “If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested,” Wolanyk decided to give TSA a look at his body down to his Calvin Klein’s.

Through a statement released by his attorney Sunday night, Wolanyk said “TSA needs to see that I’m not carrying any weapons, explosives, or other prohibited substances, I refuse to have images of my naked body viewed by perfect strangers, and having been felt up for the first time by TSA the week prior (I travel frequently) I was not willing to be molested again.”

“When did we become a sissy nation willing to get felt-up in exchange for the illusion of freedom? It’s far more dangerous to ride in a car than it is in an airplane but we don’t make people drive nakkid, do we?”

“I feel like going to the airport, stripping down nakkid, then picking Ruby and Begonia up off the floor and asking the TSA agent, ‘You want a piece of these, Baby,’ and that should end this craziness once and for all,” she bets.

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We here at the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., will spend today waiting.

Final arguments in the Tom DeLay trial are this morning.  The case will probably go to the jury after lunch.  We will bring you the results.  Those of you scoring at home, and we certainly hope you are, can see the play-by-play right here at Hal’s Most Esteemed Tom DeLay’s Coverage.  (Start at November 7th and scroll up.)

Wagers are being accepted at Thelma’s manicure table.  It works this way: You give her a five dollar bill.  She puts it in her right pocket and then shockingly gives you five ones from her left pocket.  It’s magic money and a special trick that Thelma learned in honor of Tom DeLay.

You can keep up right here.

UPDATE:  From the Houston Chronicle —

The defense won a major victory in the charge visiting District Judge Pat Priest gave to the jury. It, essentially, said DeLay merely knowing Colyandro and Ellis and what they were doing was not enough to convict him.

“Mere association with persons involved in a conspiracy, if there is one, is insufficient to prove participation in a conspiracy,” the charge said. “Likewise, participation in a conspiracy cannot be proven merely by the fact that a person knew of a conspiracy and was associated with or in the presence of persons involved in the conspiracy.”

However, the charge also said: “An agreement constituting a conspiracy may be inferred from acts of the parties.”

Hell, with those standards, I don’t think that even I would find him guilty.

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Juanita has no idea why the Steeple People are so attached to the Ten Commandments.  “Other than the fact that they love to say NO! unnecessarily loud, I don’t see the attraction to the Ten Commandments.  It wasn’t even a good movie,” she says.

“I, having been brought up in Sunday School, love the Sermon on the Mount.  That’s Sweet Jesus and his message, all rolled into one sermon,” Juanita explains.  “I suspect the Super DeLux Brand Christians don’t like the Beautitudes because there’s no references to gun-toters, haters, or bad Samaritans being followers of Sweet Jesus.”

“So, anyway, East Texas State Representative Dan Flynn (Rep, I’m-a-better-Christian-than-you-are-ville) is pushing himself a bill to let teachers put the Ten Commandments “prominently displayed” in the classroom,” she reports.

“My position on this hasn’t changed,” Juanita says.  “When the Baptist Church starts prominently displaying the periodic table of elements in their church, I’ll be all for the ten commandments in the classroom.”

“You do know why the don’t display the Ten Commandments in the Lege, don’t you?  The whole Don’t Steal or Lie thing.”

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“Sometimes something just makes you think holy cow, why didn’t I suspect something was up?” Juanita says among the curlers, hair dryers, and hair spray of the beauty salon on a busy Friday afternoon.

“Come to find out, Michael Chertoff – yes, THAT Michael Chertoff – is making money off these full body scanners at the airport.  We should have known, dammit,” she stomps.

Heading up the renewed push for those controversial, clothes-penetrating scanners at airports is former homeland security secretary Michael Chertoff. His consulting firm represents companies who make the scanners, but you wouldn’t know it from reading the papers.

“Okay, so Chertoff is pushing for the scanners and Chertoff is making money every time one is bought.  No wonder people think there’s a conspiracy around ever corner.  Come to find out, most times there is,” she says.

Thanks to T.K. for the heads-up on this one.

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“I have an announcement to make,” Juanita begins.  “This month the voters of America went to the polls in almost-average numbers to vote for the one thing Republicans promised that Democrats didn’t deliver – a more corrupt congress!  Yep, there wasn’t near enough corruption going on.”

Despite publicly promising more transparency and disclosure of the inner workings of Congress, behind closed doors, the GOP leadership has made moves indicating the Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE) may be targeted for cuts or extinction.

According to an email seen by ABC News, Rep. David Dreier, R-Calif., called the OCE on Friday, Nov. 5, just three days after the midterm elections in which Republicans regained a majority and control of the House. During that phone conversation, ABC’s source said, the California representative asked for justification of its continued existence.

“Honey, I know the Teabaggers are plenty proud of this accomplishment.  Now there will be no oversight to the screwing they’re gonna get by this congress.  Hey, at least they’ll get screwed in private.  With the lights out.”