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Offering positive proof that they do not believe in the American judicial system, the rule of law, and juries in particular, the State Republican Executive Committee has suggested revolution.

Members of the State Republican Executive Committee will consider a resolution this weekend calling on Gov. Rick Perry to immediately pardon former U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who last week was convicted on felony counts of conspiracy and money laundering.

The call for a pardon will be presented Friday to the SREC’s Resolutions Committee. If approved there, it would go to the full SREC. Of course, it carries no legal weight in DeLay’s case.

The SREC consists of two members from each of the state’s 31 Senate districts, and it serves as a board of directors, of sorts, for the state party. Members are elected at the state GOP convention.

“Not surprisingly, their major contention is not that Tom DeLay is innocent or wrongly convicted – which would be harder to do than shooting pool with a calf rope since he openly admitted several times that he is guilty – but instead they proclaim that former Travis County DA Ronnie Earle is actually Mr. Stinkypants,” Juanita explains.

We thought Juanita made up the Mr. Stinkypants part but after we read the resolution they wrote, Mr. Stinkypants is far more mature and respectable than what they did say.

“They called the trial ‘a mockery’ because Democrats were on the jury,” she says in amazement.  “DeLay’s lawyer, supposedly the best in Texas, hand picked that jury.  After trying to take all the black people off the jury, he was pleased with his handiwork.”

“I’m very encouraged. We have a great jury. We have a great case. Tom DeLay is a great client. We’re ready,” DeGuerin said.

“So, they weren’t happy with the jury that Tom Hisownself picked.  Yeah, they are outraged that the jury did not include the entire list of the fair minded folks of the State Republican Executive Committee,” she grins.

They also want to do away with the law that allows the Travis County District Attorney to prosecute political crimes.  People with neuron synapses  generally disagree with that since Texas county politics could be become a hell hole of corruption by simply buying off the District Attorney.

The State Republican Executive Committee is the largest bunch of pissed-off white people ever to get together in one place since the Worldwide Gun, Knife, and Small Explosives Show in Lufkin, Texas.  And boy howdy, they are hacked off that the guy who went from bankrupt business owner to golfing  hot tub millionaire simply by  being a public servant is being picked on by the American judicial system.  That just ain’t right in their book.

“The real amusing part is to watch and see  if Governor Perry pardons Tom but executed an innocent man.  I guess that would make things right – execute an innocent one but make up for it by letting a guilty one go,” Juanita shakes her head.

This is Texas – where crazy is a trademark.

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A herd of ornery old white guys, who are living proof that there are more horse’s butts than there are horses, have up and decided that the most important thing in America right this very minute is a tax cut for Paris Hilton.

Senate Republicans promised Wednesday to block legislative action on every issue being considered by the lame-duck Congress until the dispute over extending the Bush-era tax cuts is resolved and an extension of current government funding is approved.

John Cornyn trying to blame Mitch

“They are hell with the hide off,” Juanita says,  “and they’d steal an old widow woman’s kindling wood and the light bulb from the porch lamp at the orphanage.”

“They are promises that nothing, and I mean diddle squat nothing, is gonna happen until they get their way, dammit, and keep those tax cuts that have been as functional as a three card flush.  Every time Mitch McConnell opens his mouth, I hear a spoon being pounded on a high chair tray,” she admits.

“Now here are these guys who have more money than they can keep dry, hoarding it in offshore accounts, wanting us to pay for roads, the military, the police, education, and whatnot  so they can enjoy it and still have enough money to burn a wet elephant.”

“How dare they call these tax cuts!” she hollers real loud.  “They are BMW subsidies.”

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You know how you get email scams that give your computer the virus?

Well, your friends at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. would like to offer a helpful hint from an email that came to us yesterday.

Check it out.  Click the little one to get the big one.

It looks pretty damn scary what with all those government notifications.

Until you check the return email address.

Just another free service from Juanita and The Hooter Toters for your surfing safety.

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Under section 56.03 of the Texas Code of Criminal Procedure, victims of felony crimes in the State of Texas have the right to file a Victim Impact Statement.  They may also request compensation for any physical or psychological damage they have suffered as a victim of said felony.  The judge can consider the information given in the Victim Impact Statement in deciding the punishment for the perpetrator of the felony.

Juanita called the Travis County District Attorney’s Office and requested permission to file a Victim Impact Statement in the case of The State of Texas vs. Thomas Dale DeLay.  Yes, she did.

Yesterday she got as far as the victim coordinator, who seemed a tad confused about the whole thing, telling Juanita that she’d have to go to the Attorney General for compensation or her local District Attorney to file charges.  Juanita insisted that she did not want monetary compensation, and that her local District Attorney wouldn’t prosecute Lizzy Borden if she’d ever been elected to anything.

Juanita does not want any compensation but she does want it to be known that Tom’s felony offense was not – in any way, shape, or form – a victimless crime.  Even the form for the victim compensation says that psychological damage is considered real and important, and maybe even real important.

Because of Tom’s cahooting, the State of Texas now has congressional districts that look like a bushel basket of wire coat hangers.  And, because of his decision to play political games over his indictment, Juanita personally went 6 months with no congressman.  Our Founding Fathers thought taxation without representation was important enough to die over so  Juanita figures that somebody should know how she felt having to pay taxes that year without a voice in Congress whatsodamnever.

“Do you have any idea how it feels when you cannot call your Congressman and holler?” Juanita asks.  “It gives you heartburn and headaches, that’s what it does.  Maybe I should be compensated for that.  The psychological part of the Victim Impact Statement asks if you have ‘feelings of helplessness.’  Does a one legged duck swim in circles?  Of course, I felt helpless over Tom’s behavior.  It also asks if you’ve had nightmares or ‘no trust in anyone.’  Creo que hell yes!  Does Howdy Doody have wooden toes?”

Straight from the Victim Impact Statement:  (Click the little one to get the big one.)

“And,” she continues on a roll, “every time I went someplace on business and had one of those name badges that said ‘Hello, I’m Juanita and I’m from Richmond, Texas,’ people would immediately and ask questions like, ”I bet the odor of chlorine is overwhelming in your town from all the hot tubs Tom DeLay’s been in,’ or ‘So, ‘all ain’t got no laws against stealing?’  Then they would snicker.  How do you think that makes me feel?  Job stress, that’s what!”

“And that whole Dancing With the Stars crap he did to draw attention to himself?  That’s anxiety on a stick.”

“Then there’s that goshwaful book he wrote.  I couldn’t even read that sucker, even when he talked about me in it, because of …. you got it, loss of concentration.”

“What really chaps my hiney is that Tom DeLay claims he’s the victim in all this.  For all he’s done to us while he was  out fancy pants drinkin’ and golfin’, he should have been stripped nakkid on Thanksgiving Day and dropped from a helicopter into the Cotton Bowl half time show with OU tattooed on his butt,” she wishes.  “However, I only think that because I have — put another check in the box — depression.”

“Anyway,” Juanita finishes, “I’m gonna fill this sucker out and send it in.  Even if they won’t let the judge see it, I’ll share it with you.”

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Y’all, it’s Joe Barton …. again.

Texas’ own Mr. Crazypants, Congressvarmint Joe Barton, made himself a slideshow.  Smokey Joe wants to be chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee and thought a slideshow would be a sure fire way to convince his fellow Republican congressmen to support him because most of them can’t read but like real pretty pictures.

Juanita says we better let Joe speak for himself because nobody else in the world is capable of such majesty.

He naturally touts his conservative credentials, saying, “I know the ropes and can hit the ground running immediately.” He especially appeals to the newly elected members, saying he would make sure they are represented on the powerful committee.

Then comes the money slide, titled: “What’s in Store for the Obama Administration,” with photos of President Dwight D. Eisenhower and Generals Omar Bradley and George Patton in uniform.

“Speaker Boehner is our Dwight Eisenhower in the battle against the Obama Administration. Majority Leader Cantor is our Omar Bradley. I want to be George Patton – put anything in my scope and I will shoot it.”

“Okay, first of all,” Juanita reacts, “Joe does know that George Patton had loco camped out in his eyeballs, right?”

“And,” she continues, “I suspect that someone has mentioned to him that shooting the President of the United States, even by the lofty hand of the Chairman of the Energy and Commerce Committee, is frowned upon by polite society.”

“And, last of all, I think President Obama might wanna give up on this ‘can’t we all just get along’ thingy he’s got.  They are coming after you, Mr. President, with intent to barbeque.  You cannot sweep sunshine off the porch.  You cannot teach a longhorn steer to sing the Aggie war hymn.  And you cannot reason with these people.”

“No, wait, there’s one more thing.  Somebody might want to mention to Eric Cantor that Patton was a notorious anti-Semite,” she suggests.  “I think maybe he might want to duck.”