.

“You could have seen this coming a mile off with a heavy fog in the dark with your eyes closed,” Juanita attests.

“Texas Congressvarmint Pistol Pete Sessions earned his name,” she begins to explain to the women who have come for coffee and fashion tips this morning.  “We call him Pistol Pete because he eats bullets for breakfast so he can shoot off his mouth the rest of the day.”

“And, God love him, he’s done a Jim Dandy job of it now,” she grins.

“After missing the swearing-in of congresscritters, something required by the Constitution that Pete pretends to love, Pete presented a good excuse:  he was at a fundraiser.  In the Capitol.  Which is against the law.”

“Way to stinkin go, Captain Stoopid!”

Today, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) filed an ethics complaint with the Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE) against Rep. Peter Sessions (R-TX) and Rep. Michael Fitzpatrick (R-PA) for blatant violations of House rules, federal law and the U.S. Constitution. CREW’s complaint follows the revelation that both men skipped the swearing-in ceremony for the 112th Congress in favor of attending a fundraiser for Rep. Fitzpatrick. During this fundraiser, they made an invalid attempt to take their oath by watching it on TV, and then proceeded to participate in official House business. None of this is legal.

“Trying to get Pistol Pete to think before he speaks is like trying to shovel smoke,” she shakes her head and rolls her eyes.

“Now Pete is gonna have to have a fundraiser for legal fees to pay for the fundraiser for campaign funds.  That means a whole mess of corporate money is gonna find it’s way out of your pocket and into Pete’s.”

“Honey, we can start listing dumb as the best cash crop in Texas,” she admits.

.

It’s Louie Gohmert.  He’s racking up crazy-mile points faster than we can count them.

“Y’all, seriously, East Texas congressvarmint Louie Gohmert is gonna blow one day and fly around backwards spewing more crazzzy than we can catch with butterfly nets,” Juanita predicts.

First off, this morning Louie had a whole different hunch on reality than the rest of us.

Earlier today, in apparent reference to Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas) said, “I hope the sheriff tones his rhetoric down.”

Yes, Gohmert wants someone else to tone down the rhetoric. This from the guy who, among other things, screamed at Anderson Cooper for several minutes about “terror babies,” and argued on the House floor that Democrats are trying to get senior citizens to “die off more quickly” by passing health care reform.

“Louie’s tongue is running in the Looneyville Barefoot Marathon again,” Juanita suggests.

But that wasn’t enough.  He’s accusing the FBI of “stonewalling” about Jared Loughner, and not telling the truth about Loughner because, “that he’s a liberal, hates the flag, supports Marx, that type of thing, turn out to be true, then it may be embarrassing to some of the current administration’s constituents, and, heaven help us, we wouldn’t want to embarrass any of the president’s constituents.”

“And, he didn’t say that in closet, Honey, he yelled that on the House floor,” Juanita says.

“And proving that he’s not buying into the whole tone-it-the-hell-down idea, Gohmert is introducing a bill to allow members of the United States Congress to carry handguns on the House floor.  Oh hell, let’s just do away with the tote board and let the last one standing make laws.  It’d sure make C-Span more fun.”

“I am sad to report that there are places in Texas where Louie Gohmert is considered sane,” she says.  “I am, however, proud to announce that this beauty salon ain’t one of them.”

.

“I want y’all to feel bad for Sarah Palin,” Juanita announced to the crowd at the beauty shop this afternoon.

“Think about the level of stoopidity it takes to use the term ‘blood liable’ when talking about a Jewish congresswoman being shot point blank in the head after Sarah put a target on her,” Juanita stands in amazement.  “Even NASA scientists can’t measure anything that big.”

“And then, shock of all shocks, Pat Buchanan defends Palin.  Hey Jimmie Olson, when you’re looking for someone to explain the meaning of terminology used against Jews, Pat Buchanan might not be the balanced expert you want to talk to.”

“Look, Missy Sarah, there is a woman struggling for her life after being shot point blank in the head after you put a target on her, and you think you’re the victim?  What the hell is wrong with you, woman? I’ve got a dog smarter than that,” Juanita stomps.

“That,” she concludes, “is a very special kind of dumb.”

.

So, on Monday Juanita got to watch Tom DeLay clutching a Bible to chest, swearing that he’s a pitiful victim of Nancy Pelosi, Patrick Kennedy and Ronnie Earl while standing in front of a judge who openly called him a crook.  It was an amazing sight.

On Tuesday, she got to watch her brand spankin’ new State Representative Ron Reynold get sworn-in.

So today she bought a lottery ticket.  Gotta make it three in a row!

We cannot find a recording of Juanita’s own personal favorite teevee interview she did after the Tom DeLay sentencing where she said, “He stood up there in front of the judge and said ‘I’m not whining,’ three different times.  If you have to say ‘I’m not whining’ three times in ten minutes, you’re whining.”  Even Momma loved that one!

I do not know what strange power Tom has.  His lawyer, one of the best in the whole state, gave one of the worse closing arguments I have ever heard, and ho boy! I’ve heard some dandy bad one.  Dick DeGuerin, a fine lawyer, pandered to Tom and Christine DeLay in his closing argument instead of arguing law and justice.  People stood around in the hallway shaking their heads after that closing, wondering why DeGuerin said what Tom wanted to hear instead of what the judge needed to hear.

Then DeGuerin, in a moment stunning goofy, announced to the press who asked his reaction to the sentence, “I can’t say what I want to say because I’d get sued.”

Say what, Clarence Darrow?

Good Lord, you’re a lawyer and you’re scared of getting sued?  What the hell did you do with the money your Momma gave you to go to law school, son?  You have to say something that is (1) false, and (2) malicious in order to get sued successfully in Texas.  A good rule of thumb is not to say a malicious lie and your fear of lawsuits disappears quickly.  Kinda makes you wonder what the hell he wanted to say, huh?

Makes me wonder if he wanted to say that his client is a criminal  prevaricating ninny baby totally out of touch with reality and suffering from delusions of paranoia.  Nope, couldn’t be that because that passes the truth test.

Later on, I’ll tell you about Dennis Hastert and why the Peter Principle took over when he stopped being a wrestling coach.

It’s good to be back at the beauty shop.

Okay, all the woman from the beauty shop are back at the hotel after twittering our little hearts out during the DeLay
trial.

Tom DeLay got 3 years in the joint on the first count, 5 years in the joint on the second count, and 10 years probation with
community supervision.

There was lots of fun stuff – including watching Dennis Hastert try to rewrite history – but the very best part was DeLay’s speech at the end right before sentencing.

He whined so much that he had say “I’m not whining,” three different times. If you have to say it that much, you’re whining.

He clutched a Bible in his hands as he told the judge that he wasn’t guilty and blamed Nancy Pelosi, Patrick Kennedy, and Ronnie Earl for all his problems. I’m sure they all three don’t mind.

He said that his wife says that he’s “passionate and arrogant.”  No kidding. He also said he’s raised and spent $10 million for legal fees. I would suggest that most of it was illegally raised. Best of all, he blamed ” the criminalization of politics.” Damn, he invented that! I’m sure that his trying to impeach Bill Clinton over hoochy-koochy was where he learned that. More later – we’re going to celebrate!

The party got started a little early last night. Beauty Salon customers were already at the bar when I got there. We laughed, we ate, we drank a few beers, and we are all keeping our fingers crossed.