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As most of you know, Juanita is addicted to nut radio.  Not the political kind, but the ghost, Bilderberg conspiracy, UFO, Mayan calendar, fluoride in the water, you better stock up on duct tape kind of nut radio.

The latest is the horror of CFL light bulbs, which apparently are a giant plot brought on by The Illuminati and The New World Order to infiltrate our minds and make us forget our alien masters who are turning us into food for the creatures who live on the dark side of the moon, which kinda explains the whole McDonald’s milkshakes and super sized thing and why Pluto isn’t a planet.  Or something.

Right wing Republicans have been against  the CFL light bulbs from the start and have been stockpiling regular ole light bulbs so that they can have safe light when your brain is rotten from only having to replace light bulbs every five years instead of once a month.  There’s just gotta be something bad about light bulbs that won’t burn out for 5 years.  That just ain’t normal.

Real Bitches Don't Need Rights

Phyllis Schlafly, who generally limits her nut-o-mania to telling other women to sit down and shuddup so she can have all the attention, has taken out after CFL light bulbs, saying that they cause migraines and induce seizures.

In a column included in a Feb. 2 e-mail blast by the Texas Eagle Forum, the founder of the national Eagle Forum said: “CFL bulbs do not work well in colder temperatures, and most cannot handle dimmer switches; broken CFL bulbs allegedly cause migraines and epilepsy attacks.”

“Well, if that doesn’t cause you to use 20 times as much energy to see in the dark, it’s too late for you and you’re ready for your place on the salad plate of Mr. Moon Creature,” Juanita declares.

“And this is why I believe in conspiracies,” Juanita explains.    “If Phyllis Schlafly isn’t being paid off by rich Arab oil sheiks, I’m a monkey’s uncle.   She’s spouting their views about energy use, women, and the place of religion in government.  She’s gotta be making money for that.  That gives me a migraine and a fit.”

“You know,” Juanita laughs, “if we liberals were only half as smart and conniving as the rightwing thinks we are, we might have won some elections last November.  We’re pathetic.  But, at least we ain’t scared of new-fangled light bulbs.  We’ve got that going for us.”

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Last week in the Texas Lege, it was explained that doing a sonogram on a woman prior to having a legal abortion would require inserting a tube in her vagina.  Representative Carol Alvarado explained —

This is the trans-vaginal probe,” said State Rep. Carol Alvarado, holding up the probe used in such sonograms. “Colleagues, this is what we’re talking about. It’s as very intrusive process; this is not the jelly on the belly that many of you are thinking about. This is government intrusion at its best.”

“Okay, so we know Republicans are kinky, but this just beats all,” Juanita says. “Republican men will do anything they can to get into my vagina, even if it requires legislation.”

“My friend Virginia Mary had this to say — (Click the little one to get the big one.)

I’ve tried real hard to think of something funny to say about this, but I just can’t. This is legalized rape to humiliate women and put them in their place.

That’s ALL it is.

UPDATE:  Okay, this is funny.  Clara sent this, and I love it.

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While Texas Republicans were jumping up and down over the Voter ID bill, trying to convince us that Voter ID was the only thing keeping Texas from being paradise, they got some help from their friends in Indiana.

… the chief legal counsel for the Indiana secretary of state said the voter ID law there has worked well over the past five years.

“Despite the intense scrutiny of the law, in five years and eight statewide elections, there has been scant evidence of disenfranchisement or discrimination of voters,” said Jerry Bonnet of the secretary of state’s office. “The sun came up after Indiana’s voter ID law passed, and the law has become routine.”

Well, hell, it even makes the sun rise.  Indiana was held as the reason Texas should have voter ID because, by gawd, it was working like steam engine on the Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe.

The chief legal counsel for the Indiana Secretary of State even went this far in upholding voter ID in his state.

Despite the criticism of the Texas bill, Jerry Bonnet, chief legal counsel for the Indiana secretary of state’s office, testified that his state’s voter ID law has not hampered turnout or prevented legal voters from casting ballots.

Van de Putte questioned Bonnet about reports that some Indiana nuns were not allowed to vote. One group of women from a convent, most in their 80s, were turned away because they did not have required photo IDs, she said. Bonnet said they refused to present valid IDs and hinted that the situation might have been a publicity stunt.

“So they were devious nuns?” Van de Putte asked.

“Yes,” Bonnet responded.

Hot dog!  That there is some wonderful Voter Id bill.  It even outted devious nuns!  So Texas Republicans jumped on it like a fat lady on a milkshake.

Well, come to find out, maybe there might be a small, tiny, insignificant little problem in Indiana.

Texas Republicans are doing the irony dance today. The Indiana Secretary of State was indicted on seven felony charges.  But, not just for lying and fraud.  No, siree.  He’s damned and determined to make this the Irony Sweepstakes.

He was indicted for felony voter ID fraud.  Three times.

A Hamilton County grand jury indicted White on three counts of voter fraud alleging he lied about his address when he voted in last year’s Republican primary. He also faces charges of perjury and fraud on a financial institution — again, for allegedly lying about his address — as well as theft for continuing to collect his salary as a Fishers Town Council member after moving from his designated district.

Texas Republicans:  They can’t see lightening or hear thunder.

Juanita is quoting Aretha Franklin today.  Ca-ca-chain.  Chain of fools.

“Aw hell,” she concluded, “you can’t be this dumb by accident.  This level of dumb takes planning and committee meetings.”

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Sugar Land Republican State Representative and close friend of Tom DeLay, Charlie Howard, was faster than a bullet with legs finding the one damn place we totally left unprotected by people armed with permits to carry who couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn even if they were inside it.

Incredibly dangerous school board meetings.

SECTION 1. Section 46.03, Penal Code, is amended by adding Subsection (j) to read as follows:

(j) It is a defense to prosecution under Subsection (a)(1) that at the time of the commission of the offense the actor was:

(1) carrying a concealed handgun that the person was licensed to carry under Subchapter H, Chapter 411, Government Code; and

(2) attending a school board meeting in an official capacity as:

(A) a member of the school board; or

(B) the superintendent of the school governed by the school board.

Who Would Jesus Shoot?

“Great idea, Charlie!” Juanita says, “so some fool can walk into the back of a school board meeting and know that the only armed people are in the front of the room and odds are pretty danged good that they ain’t The Rifleman.”

“You know,” she continues, “for a man so short that the butt of his pistol rests under his armpit to keep it from scraping the ground, Charlie sure is dandy anxious to be toting firepower.”

“And as a Super DeLux Brand Christian and founding member of the Christian Coalition in Fort Bend, Charlie sure is anxious to kill somebody.”

“Look, I gotta be honest,” she says, “having a permit to carry does mean that you can shoot worth a flip.  That’s the part that scares me.  No, wait, the part that scares me is that Charlie appears to believe that it’s his Christian duty to dispatch folks to the other side as fast as he can.”

“Good Lord, I do not want my obituary to say ‘innocent bystander at a school board meeting when Thelma’s purse snap was mistaken for gunshots’.  If that’s what happens, just bury me without telling anyone.”

By the way, Charlie has also co-authored three bills about body scans at the airport.  I especially like HB 1937, which lists a bunch of things that are already illegal but Charlie always has at least three bills with dirty talk in them, so I suspect this is #1.  Charlie loves him some dirty talk.  Momma, do not go read this bill.  Charlie claims to be against pornography so he has to study it a lot to stay informed.

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* This season excepted.

The Texas Tribune’s greatest gift to Texas is to provide public information without you having to go to the courthouse to get it.

They recently released the salaries of all Texas School Superintendents.  However, these numbers don’t include backroom deals, like interest free home loans or bonuses for visiting campuses, that some Superintendents get.

And my personal favorite is who is the highest paid public employee in Texas?  This should come as no shock.  The football coach at UT makes twice what the head of MD Anderson Cancer Center makes.  And most rankings put MD Anderson as the best.  UT football is not.

It’s a fun place to play!