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All you people from foreign states, listen up.
If Texas has ever done you wrong. If we have beat your college football team, sent you a bad President of the United States, raised oil prices, made fun of your wimpy little state, or hacked you off in some way, now is the time to get even.
Please.
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Now the Texas Lege is going to want to arm kindergartners to protect themselves.
HOUSTON — A kindergartener brought a gun to his Houston elementary school and was among three students injured by fragments when it dropped from his pocket during lunchtime and accidentally fired, officials said.
One bullet discharged about 11 a.m. in the school’s cafeteria, spraying fragments at the students, said Houston Independent School District Assistant Police Chief Robert Mock.
You sit back and watch. The gun nuts are going to say that stuff like this happens because people don’t have enough guns and that if we had more guns and fewer gun laws, stuff like this wouldn’t happen.
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Word has it that Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoed the state’s birther bill, but that Bobby Jindal of Louisiana is just itching to sign one.
“Well, that kinda snuck up on me,” Juanita admits. “I never figured that someone from Louisiana would be concerned about birth certificates. I’ve never known a Cajun who will admit to being born. They claim they just rise up out of the primordial swamp water and commence to playing the washboard in Rodney Thibodeaux’s Tout Les Soir Cajun Band.”
“My Uncle Noony ‘Three Toes’ Lebouef claims he was raised by alligators after floating down the Mississippi from somewhere south of Memphis when he was a whole day old and practically grown. He’s not exactly sure where south of Memphis because his passport wasn’t stamped properly. But, he knows it had to be south of Memphis because he wouldn’t be caught dead north of Memphis.”
“If they start requiring birth certificates in Louisiana, nobody would be able to go to school or get a passport. Right now, if you want a passport, you bring your big brother down to federal building and have him swear an oath that he saw you with both eyes walk out of the swamp, same as your daddy did,” she explains.
“Bobby Jindal does not need to be talking about people needing birth certificates. There’s more Creole people in Louisiana than there are Bobby Jindals.”
“He also needs to get off his high horse. He’s the Governor of Louisiana, which is just barely as important as being a notary public in Oklahoma,” she grins.
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It’s tax day so the Texas Lege took up a pressing tax issue to get America rolling …. er, floating, again. A tax break on yachts!
Yes, today a House committee discussed giving a tax break to wealthy yacht-buyers. Under House Bill 2187, by Rep. John Davis, a Houston Republican, the tax on sales of boats over $250,000 would be capped at $15,625. For a $20 million yacht, this would work out to a tax reduction of 99 percent. Those buying smaller, cheaper boats would continue to pay the current 6.25 percent sales tax.
Of course I am serious. I could not make this stuff up.
But, fear not, middle class, for they had you in mind, too. Democratic State Rep Mike Villarreal arrived a tad late at the hearing and asked, “So this bill is a tax break for mega-yacht owners? I feel like I just walked through the twilight zone. Is that what we’re talking about – a tax break for mega-yacht owners?”
The yacht dude answered, “This is not just for rich people. You can get used yachts as well.”
And he was serious.
No, seriously, he was serious.
Dayum, Bubba, let’s trade in the double wide and get us a helluva deal on a used yacht! We need the tax break because right now all of our cash flow is tied up in groceries.
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You know how much Rick Perry hates, hates, hates the federal government? You know how he’s always saying that he wouldn’t take a dime from them?
Texas Gov. Rick Perry sought additional federal help in battling wildfires across his drought-parched state as a woodland blaze gutted at least six homes on Sunday and threatened hundreds more in Austin, the state capital.
An estimated 1.5 million acres of tinder-like brush and grasslands have gone up in flames in Texas since January 1, about half of that during the past week alone under some of the driest conditions in Texas history.
Some 220 homes in all have been lost, according to a letter released on Sunday from Perry to President Barack Obama requesting a federal disaster declaration.
“Oh yeah, that right there is Rick Perry with his hand out, beggin’ money from the federal guvmint,” Juanita says.
“Thank God we didn’t secede when he wanted us to. If we had, right now Oklahoma and Louisiana would be slaughtering some hogs for a damn fine barbeque on the world’s largest pit,” she suspects.
When it comes to hypocrisy,, Rick Perry stand out like a possum in a poodle show.
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Anyone native to Texas can tell you a story about the Daughters of the Republic of Texas. They are a humorless bunch of old ladies who rule over the Alamo like it is their prize and singular position.
The good news is that the Alamo still stands. The bad news is that not for much longer. It’s literally falling apart under the Daughter’s watch.
The Daughter of the Republic of Texas have been kinky about their finances. They don’t want anybody knowing where their money goes.
You know that you have sunk lower than whale poop on the bottom of the ocean when you are a group of extremely conservative women and the Republican Attorney General of Texas calls you “unrepentant.”
Yikes.
The Daughters did themselves no favors while answering questions from San Antonio’s Democratic State Senator Leticia Van de Putte.
My favorite exchange —
Things went from not so good for the daughters to very not so good when Karen Thompson of Leander, the DRT’s historian general, was in the witness seat as Van de Putte read from an email — “WORST SENATE BILL EVER !!!!!” — from Thompson to fellow daughters. The email concerned SB 1518 by Kevin Eltife, R-Tyler, chairman of the committee. The bill “gives THC the power to simply take the Alamo period … by any manner,” Thompson wrote in the email.
As a clearly peeved Van de Putte read the email aloud, Thompson laughed a few times.
“Why would you say this about the chairman’s bill?” Van de Putte asked, subtly making the point that it’s not nice to squeeze the chairman.
“Because I’m a very dramatic person,” Thompson replied, dramatically. “And my aunt’s an actress and I guess I just get that after her. That was meant just for the daughters. Just to get their attention.”
The senator asked Thompson if she indeed thought this was the “worst bill ever.”
“Oh, heavens no,” Thompson said, assuring Van de Putte “there’s been millions of them that have been worse.”
And the Daughters wonder why everybody who has lived in Texas has at least one joke about them.
My favorite? They are wound so tight that their mainspring will still be running ten years after God is dead.