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“My own personal State Senator,” Juanita starts, “is a guy named Glenn Hegar.  Glenn has two n’s in his name to make up for the fact that he’s got not one recognizable brain cell.”

A Glamour Shot of Glenn Hegar

“And I don’t mean to be mean, but he’s rather unfortunate-looking.  Bless his heart, he couldn’t get laid at a whorehouse with a truckload of fryers and a $20 bill taped to his forehead,” she sadly says.  “His momma had to borrow a baby to take to church.”

“But, he’s white and he takes orders pretty well and that’s all that matters when you live in a Senate district as red as mine.”

“So, Glenn finally did something to earn his keep.  Usually when he stands up in the Senate, Republicans hold their breath and Democrats all run to the bathroom to keep from having accidents when they start giggling,” she explains very seriously.

“Well, bless his heart all over again, Glenn discovered what was wrong with Texas.  People can lie about the size of fish they catch.  Right out in the open.  In front of women and children, even.  Holy crap!  Why wasn’t I alerted to this danger?”

“So, Glenn, being a man of Republican honor, has introduced legislation to stop this blight on the Great State of Texas.  No shoot.  I ain’t kidding.”

Senator Glenn Hegar, a Republican who sponsored the bill, said it was intended to address cheating in high-level bass fishing tournaments, some of which offer tens of thousands of dollars in prizes. In one notorious case in 2009, an angler who entered the Bud Light Trail Big Bass Tournament on Lake Ray Hubbard, east of Dallas, put a one-pound lead weight inside the stomach of the 10.49-pound bass he had entered to win the grand prize, a $55,000 fishing boat.

“Some people are literally taking scissors and cutting off the tail of a fish to make it fit into a certain category,” Mr. Hegar said. “Unfortunately, they’re not playing by the rules.”

“And the rules of fishing are….. ?” Juanita asks.

“Are you telling me that a guy at the Bud Lite fishing tournament lied?  I can hardly believe myself saying that!”

“Look, I’ve been fishing.  There ain’t a whole lot of difference between fishing and standing around like a damfool with a stick in your hand,” she reports.

“If you take lying out of fishing, there ain’t no reason to fish.  People can catch fish for you.  Big ‘uns, too.”

“The other possibility is that everybody within 10 miles of a body of water, and that includes crawfish holes, in the entire state is gonna end up in the penitentiary.  Then we’ll have to call in people from Oklahoma to be the guards and  you know how they are – they’d all drown if it wasn’t for waterwings.”

“Glenn is just gonna make people go to Louisiana to lie about fishing.  Can you even imagine how the fish-lying industry in Florida is gonna benefit from this?”

“Praise the Lord for good politicians like Glenn Hegar to get to the major problems facing Texas!  I really hope all the Democrats went to the bathroom before he spoke or there’s gonna be a mess,” she grins.
“Hey, y’all, you’ll notice that Glenn doesn’t even mention cheating at golf tournaments.  That’s because Republicans golf and they’re used to screwing each other,” she grins.  “And that’s the truth.”

Thanks to Brian, Bruce, and John for the heads up.

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It appears that the Florida State Legislature just outlawed hoochy-koochy.  Which probably is not a bad idea in Florida.

It seems the Lege wanted to outlaw bestiality, but did not know that humans are animals, too.  It’s Florida.  They are only 2 IQ points smarter than Texas. You gotta forgive them.

Some are saying that it’s “an accident.”  I disagree. Have you ever SEEN Governor Rick Scott?  Cheezzzz … you do not want that reproducing.

Thanks to MB, Irene, Doug, and Linda for the heads-up.  What am I?  The hoochy-koochy news place?

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We’re seriously considering bringing you The Daily Newt: A Semi-Daily Report About Newt.

Today’s Daily Newt.

It appears that Newt misspelled his wife’s name no less than 7 times on his website.

But, I suspect it doesn’t matter much since she’s temporary anyway.

Links are work and Momma safe. Thanks to Barbara for the heads up.

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Okay, so the Texas Governor mandated Pray for Rain law didn’t get (1) any rain, or (2) much respect.

But, Congressvarmint Randy Neugebauer, of the Yachting Neugebauer fame, is going to try it anyway.  Mainly because respect apparently isn’t on his Bucket List.

An email circulated by the office of Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-Tex.) and obtained by The Huffington Post asked lawmakers to co-sponsor H. Res 254, a straightforward measure encouraging Congress and the American public to pray for the victims of the recent disasters in the United States.

And it went like this —

Many communities have been devastated by these disasters, but have maintained a spirit of resiliency, hope, and faith. It is only appropriate that Congress and the American people come together in prayer for the victims of the disasters and their families, and for the fair weather conditions that these regions desperately need.

So, they won’t be getting any money or loans or food or clothing, but we’ll pray for them.  And it will come like manna from the heavens, which beats the hell out of disaster relief coming from the government.

I wouldn’t expect any help from Randy personally either.  He spent all his campaign funds on a damn yacht.  And he lives in West Texas where there’s not any water.  Literally.  No water.  If you live in West Texas, you have to go to the Stop N Go and buy dehydrated water.  That’s the best you’re gonna get.

So, if you’ve been in a disaster, you might call Randy Neugebauer and holler at him.

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Well,  Ben Barnes and Patty Murray have made their decision.

Sanchez

Former Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez, who oversaw coalition forces in Iraq before retiring in the aftermath of the Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal, is running for Senate in Texas as a Democrat.

Sanchez announced the decision on his Facebook page on Wednesday and will file campaign paperwork in San Antonio. Sanchez said he could “think of no better way to continue my public service” than to run for Senate in Texas.

This is great news for Democrats in Texas.  We are relieved of the pesky problem of looking for a qualified candidate for senate.  It’s been decided for us, and it’s a guy named Sanchez.  Now, wasn’t that easy?

We will be told that if we don’t vote for Sanchez in the primary, we won’t get any money from the national party and we’ll spend the entire election season as the Democratic ATM machine, with money flowing out of Texas and none, once again, coming back.  We’ll basically be extorted into supporting their candidate.

Sanchez may be a great guy.  I don’t know anything about him, other than the first two words after his name anywhere are Abu Ghraib, and those are not words I want to be reminded of every day. I have no idea where he stands on any issues.  None.  Not even a clue.

He’s not my first choice.  Lt. Col. Rick Noriega, who has never been popular with the centrist money boys but still raised $6 million on his own, is my first choice.  But, Rick will be asked to stand down and he probably will because he’s a good soldier.