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Well, change the vacation plans – Juanita cannot go to the vacation paradise of Utah this year.

In a major crackdown on prostitution a new law has made it illegal for people to touch themselves in a lewd way.

Two escort services in Utah have filed a lawsuit to try to stop the solicitation law, claiming strippers or escorts could be arrested just for acting sexy.

You can be arrested for acting sexy in Utah?  Is there any other way to act in Utah?

Look, let’s be honest, Thelma, who is 259 pounds and diets furiously to keep it under 260, has to touch herself in a way some might find lewd just to keep her leopard print spandex pedal pushers up.  And you gotta remember, Thelma wears open toed, sling back, do me like a dog pumps every day of her life.

Then there’s —-

The expanded law includes language that states that a person exposing their genitals or touching themselves sexually is an indication that they are offering sex.

Mr McCullough said: ‘Most girls who touch their breasts are not telling you they’re open for sex.’

So, how the heck are we supposed to keep our bra straps up?  Answer me that, Utah.

Under this law, you cannot have professional baseball games in Utah.  Think about it.  Have you ever been to a baseball game where at least one guy comes to bat making, errr … costume adjustments?  Heck, that’s the only reason most women even go to baseball games.

“Look,” commented Juanita on hearing the news.  “I certainly do not mean to be tacky, but take a gander at the woman who sponsored the anti-lewd touching, looking sexy law.  There’s a woman who needs some Thelma pants real bad.”

Verdelia jumps in, “Why, Honey, I think she ‘s trying to look like the librarian in every porn movie ever made.  Uh, not, of course, that I’ve ever seen a porn movie.”

“Of course,” everyone responded.

(Just a note to everyone headed to the comment section.  I understand that I’m skirting real close to the Momma line.  Be careful not to cross it.  She has a new bar of soap.”

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As our friend Deb says, “Old turncoats never die.”

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-Ga.) named a former conservative Democratic senator as a co-chairman of his 2012 presidential campaign.

Gingrich named former Georgia Sen. Zell Miller (D) and Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue (R) as co-chairmen of his campaign, and announced that current Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal (R) will lead the former Speaker’s campaign in the state.

Zell Miller in better days

Good Ole Zell Miller.  Honestly, I thought he was dead.  Zell got elected once and then faded away until Newt found him down at the bowling alley trying to pick up  the Fonza Twins, who were, by the way, the first twins elected Miss Peach Pit, 1927.

I can’t prove this, but I think Newt is running for President of Georgia.

I don’t think he can win that either.

But, if he does, it would sure be fun to watch.

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This is my boy.  He served his country in Desert Storm, always votes, and is a very productive member of society.

So, what’s he going to do with this picture now? John Edwards is a damn nincompoop. I think he and bimbo girl deserve each other.  Yeah, Edwards is holding an anti-Tom Delay cap.  Talk about two losers.

But, the good news is that my boy also has this one —

He’d walk through the gates of hell with one arm tied behind his back and give the devil three punches head start if General Wesley Clark was leading the way.

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Dude, thanks for nailing them.

The National Republican Senatorial Committee paid nearly $70,000 in February to settle a race discrimination case filed last summer by a former building manager, Keith Carter, according to financial disclosure reports.

In his lawsuit, Carter claimed that working conditions at the committee for him changed “dramatically” in 2009 after Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) brought in a new leadership team. The senator was not named in the lawsuit.

He asserted that he and the committee’s one other black employee, another building maintenance worker, were referred to as “boys” and that he was instructed to clean up the waste of dogs brought to work by other employees.

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I love Paul Ryan.  I would kiss him flat on the mouth if I could for all he’s done for Democrats.  That boy needs to do even more talking!

In a special House election carefully watched by national political strategists, Democrat Kathy Hochul won what had been a Republican seat Tuesday in upstate New York, lifting Democrats’ hopes for the 2012 campaign.

As her campaign’s centerpiece, Hochul attacked changes in the Medicare program proposed by House Budget Committee chairman Paul Ryan.

“I’ll bet ya those Republicans are as surprised as a car-chasin’ dog that caught a Pontiac,” Verdelia chuckles.

It was truly a hot damn moment for Americans who love other Americans last night.

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Texas will now require a woman to have a sonogram prior to an abortion.  Most of it will involve this medical procedure:

You will lie down on a table with your knees bent and feet in holders called stirrups. The health care provider will place a probe, called a transducer, into the vagina. The probe is covered with a condom and a gel. The probe sends out sound waves, which reflect off body structures. A computer receives these waves and uses them to create a picture. The doctor can immediately see the picture on a nearby TV monitor.

You will not be forced to look at the image but you will be forced to listen to a description of it.  Forced.

Republican State Senator Dan Patrick praised God for allowing the State of Texas to insert a probe into your vagina.

Dan Patrick: A Disturbed Man

Sen. Dan Patrick, R-Houston, who has tried to pass the bill in previous sessions, said the timing wasn’t right before, but that God was finally ready for passage.

“This was the time,” he said. Patrick said if only 20 percent of the women viewing the sonograms decide against an abortion, 10,000 to 15,000 lives will be saved each year.

Women can decline to view the sonogram image and hear the fetal heartbeat, but, with some exceptions, they still must hear a description of the image.

Before the bill signing Patrick called it the best bill in the country, and afterward said, “Praise the Lord.”

“The good news is through the blood of Jesus Christ he forgives, and women who have aborted children need to know that message,” Patrick said.

I am a woman of faith.  But, for the life of me, I do not believe that God wants Dan Patrick and power of the State of Texas in my vagina or forcing me to listen to anything.  It shames when other people of faith force women to do anything.  It also shames me that they would want to do something this graphically sexual to a woman.

There is something horribly sick, demented, and terribly disturbing about this.

I think Dan Patrick is the one who needs to ask for forgiveness.  That level of sanctimony makes Sweet Jesus nauseous.  I’m real certain of that.