My transplanted Texas friend Carol in Vermont wants to know if Rick Perry even pays for his own hair products.

I can fully understand her concern after she sent this —

Texas Gov. Rick Perry has made presidential campaign trips on a jet owned by a contributor who is under investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission and Texas regulators, according to published media reports.

Perry flew last weekend on a jet belonging to Brian D. Pardo, the CEO of life settlement company Life Partners Holdings(LPHI), according to a report by The Wall Street Journal that cited a Perry campaign aide and flight records obtained through Flightwise.com.

The plane also carried the governor’s relatives from Texas to Charleston, S.C. on Aug. 13, the day Perry officially launched his presidential campaign, the report added.

And his laundry will be picked up, delivered, and paid for by Travis Lemont Johnson, who is currently on probation for robbing a Stop-N-Go with a large stick and a vicious attitude.

His hair products?  Produced from kitten tears by child labor sweatshops in his basement run by Bernie Madoff.

Trust me on this:  you do not want to know where he gets his teeth cleaned.

Texas got some new laws in effect.

In an effort to keep up with technology, laws in Texas now address “sexting” and “spoofing.”

Spoofing is the act of posing online as someone you are not and then emailing a victim.

“In doing it, you have to intend to harass or annoy someone,” said criminal defense attorney Jodi Callaway Cole.

With the passing of House Bill 1666, spoofing is now illegal.

I know about 4 guys who are going to have to stop constantly emailing me with fake gmail or hotmail addresses.  They are annoying.

Now, if we could pass a law against anonymous annoying snail mail —

This is just from the last three days.  Same guy as before.  Except he got confused and thinks Bubba’s proper name is David.  It ain’t.

Meh.  You get pretty much nothing new.

It seems that Governor Rick Perry called Crazy Sheriff Joe Arpaio in Arizona.

Arpaio tweeted at around 5 p.m. Eastern time, “Just received phone call at my house from TX. Gov. Rick Perry. Had a great conversation especially about immigration and other matters.”

It’s the “other matters” thing that scares me.

Honey, Texas is on fire.

And it seems to me that the only thing that’s gonna stop it is the Gulf of Mexico.  Any undocumented worker who is willing to pick up a firehose has my personal permission to stay here forever.

And it seems that Sheriff Joe and Steven Seagal have taken to the streets.

The Under Siege star joined officers from the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department in the March (11) bust on Jesus Sanchez Llovera’s Arizona property because they believed he was breeding roosters for illegal cockfighting.

Llovera has denied the claims and blamed cops for causing “substantial damage” to his family home and killing his kids’ 11-month-old puppy and more than 100 of his roosters.

Seagal and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio have both been served with an official notice of claim, the first steps towards a lawsuit, with Llovera demanding $100,000 (£62,500) in damages.

They shot Jesus’s dog?  Dude, don’t shoot Jesus’s dog.

Thanks to David for the heads up.

The Iowa Demcoratic Party is playing Guess That Tea Partier!  They let you join in the fun.

You have to guess who said the following crazy things:

“Let Detroit Go Bankrupt”

“There’s only truth and not truth. You’re either very good or evil.”

“Even if an alcoholic is powerless over alcohol once it enters his body, he still makes a choice to drink ? And, even if someone is attracted to a person of the same sex, he or she still makes a choice to engage in sexual activity with someone of the same gender. ”

…and there’s more!

I am assured by my friends that this is not a drinking game.  My friends lie.

Go play for a minute.  You’ll enjoy it.

Thanks to Janette for the heads up!

This is gonna take some ‘splainin’ to you folks from foreign states.  Texas natives can skip over the next few paragraphs while I get folks caught up.

In Texas, when you want to say someone is smart, you say, “That boy is as smart as a Rice upperclassman with a 50 pound dictionary.”  Rice University is the nerd and geek capital of Texas.  Those folks are smart.  Their mascot is an owl, which ought to tell you something.

Rice University has a football team, of sorts.  They also have a halftime band.  An amazing halftime band.  It’s not official, and pretty much anybody who ever went to Rice and owns a musical instrument and a Blues Brothers outfit can be part of the Marching Owl Band.  The MOB.

To be honest, they only know a couple of songs, which can kinda be irritating if you’re sitting next to them at a home game.  I know that for a fact.  But, their half time shows are world famous for their humor.  Also, they deeply enjoy picking on Texas A&M (which stands for Agricultural and Mechanical) University.  At one Aggie game, the MOB had to be escorted off the field by police.

Rice played the University of Texas this weekend.  That’s a historic match-up.  In 1962, John F. Kennedy spoke at Rice stadium and gave his put a man on the  moon speech.  My Momma took me to see it and it changed my life.  Anyway, John Kennedy used a joke to make his point, “But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain. Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas?”

So, when Rice played Texas this weekend, the MOB used that mutual rivalry of both schools for  A&M to make a point about a famous A&M grad, Rick Perry.

Take it away, MOB —-

Thanks to Sandy for the heads up.  And a mild apology to Dr. Gary at A&M, who, he assures me,  did not teach Rick Perry.

Rick Perry prayed for rain and then got the hell out of the state under the pretense that America needs a damnfool in the White House.

And Rick’s prayers were answered.

Numerous wind-driven fires pushed fire departments to their limits and forced evacuations in Bastrop County, the Steiner Ranch subdivision, Pflugerville, Spicewood and other areas. Scores of residents were left wondering whether they had homes to return to as many of the fires continued to burn Sunday night.

The largest and most destructive fire was in Bastrop County, where a blaze burned 14,000 acres and grew to an estimated 16 miles long by the end of the day, said Mark Stanford, fire chief of the Texas Forest Service.

“It’s catastrophic,” Stanford said of the Bastrop County fire. “It’s a major natural disaster.”

This is a warning to folks in foreign states:  Do not let this sumbitch pray for you.  Do not.  No good will come from it.

And fergoshsake, do not let him pray for prosperity.  Your money will start magically disappearing.  Well, I guess that’s what happens if you vote Republican anyway, so either way you’re gonna pretty much be messed up.

Just remember: this is what happened when he prayed for rain.

Locust reports are not out yet.  But, if I see a guy on a red horse named Famine, I’m moving the hell to Vermont.