Humility would have the same effect on Newt Gingrich as daylight does on Dracula.  Newt is the only man I know who can strut sitting down.

And now enters Michele Bachmann.  During an interview last week with Bloomberg’s Al Hunt, things got Newtish.

“Let me ask you this,” Hunt said. “Who is the more conservative of these four candidates left?”

Bachmann: “I was. I was the perfect candidate.”

A few moments later, Hunt tried again: “Who’s the second most conservative?”

Bachmann: “America had their chance with the perfect candidate.”

Now, I understand that both Bachmann and Gingrich figure they have a shot at being Veep to counteract Romney’s lack of hair-pulling Jesus hollerin’.

But we need to be careful about this.  If you put Bachmann and Gingrich in a room together, you’d have to file an environmental impact statement on fracking ego.  Those two will suck the innards right out of you.

But they do have great hair.

Thanks to David for the heads-up.

John Boehner.  The indoor tanning salon industry.  Match made in … oh crap, I dunno.  And I do not want to think about it.

Seriously.

The Indoor Tanning Industry’s political action committee has contributed $5,000 House Speaker John Boehner’s (R-OH) campaign account and another $5,000 to the National Republican Congressional Campaign’s Boehner for Speaker Committee.

The trade association “actively lobbies against legislation that would place unfair restrictions on salon businesses.” Boehner no doubt earned the group’s gratitude with his staunch opposition to inclusion of tanning salon taxes in the Affordable Care Act.

I have an app that tell me where I am, and an app that tells me what to cook for dinner, and an app that send me a text message when there’s breaking news, and an app that tells me where all the sales are, and an app that lets me talk into my telephone machine and it automatically puts it in writing.

But what I really need is an app that tells me to hurry up and go turn on C-Span because Louie Gohmert is fixing to talk.

Don't touch that hand. You do not know where it's been.

Look, I’ve given up on the jet pack that they promised me back in the 50’s.  All I’m asking for is a Louie Gohmert app.  That’s not rocket science, or even jet pack science.

If we can have a moon base in 8 years, can’t we have a Louie Gohmert app right now?

Gohmert took to the House floor (and I misssssed it) yesterday to roll his eyes and lecture us about the Ninth Circuit’s ruling on Prop 8.

GOHMERT: Nature seemed to like the idea of an egg and a sperm coming together because of pro-creation. Apparently [the judges] thought the sperm had far better use some other way biologically, combining it with something else. But the voters of Iowa came back and said you know what, if you’re not smart enough to figure out actual plumbing…then perhaps we need new judges, and that’s what they did.

Louie, meet State Senator Constance Johnson in Oklahoma.  I do believe she has a bill for you.

Thanks to Mark in Austin for the heads-up.

This is certainly not original.  Sal Russo, founder of the Tea Party Express, was on NPR yesterday and  pretty much defined the GOP.

“…for the Republican Party to be a majority, you have to have some people in the Silicon Valley passing around white wine and cheese and at the same time you have Republicans in Kentucky passing around live rattlesnakes.”

Santorium has one part and Romney has the other.

You know the old saying, “They can kill ya, but they can’t eat ya.”  Well, the GOP in 2012 is Hannibal Lector.

Thanks to Linda for the heads-up.

I have tried very, very hard to make this website that Momma would be proud of.  I won’t let people cuss or talk about hoochy koochie and I try oh so hard to keep it clean.

State Senator Constance Johnson of Oklahoma is ruining my life.

Senate Bill 1433 sought to define human life as beginning at the moment of conception, saying, “the unborn child at every stage of development (has) all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

And in Oklahoma, where men are men and sheep are scared, Ms. Johnson added this amendment —

Click the little one to get the big one if the little one didn’t make you fall out of your chair just thinking of joy of the semen police.

You want on that jury panel, don’t ya?

The value of vaginas just went waaaaay up in Oklahoma.

State Senator Johnson is Democrat.  She has obviously never been around a man in her entire life.

I’m tellin’ ya, politics is ruining my life.

Thanks to Sandy for the heads-up.

Republican Greg Abbott is the Attorney General of Texas.  It is his job to defend Texas in lawsuits.

Not so fast.

Apparently, Mr. Abbott cannot find the courtroom.  So far, the taxpayers of the Great State of Texas have paid $1.4 million for lawyers – even some from Chicago, for goodness sake – to defend screwing minorities out of state and congressional seats.

And here’s the other news – that’s probably just the tip of the iceberg.  We haven’t even gotten a bill from the lawyer who argued it to the Supreme Court and Lord knows it costs a pretty penny to buy Scalia and Thomas.

Republicans tell us that Texas is so broke that we can’t afford none of this fancy-pants public education stuff.  By, by gawd, we can afford lawyers to keep this state 100% Republican.

It’s amazing to me that Republicans can always find money if it’s something THEY want.