Being as how this is the last day on earth, I’m eating Bend & Jerry’s ice cream with one hand and grabbing Dennis Quaid with the other.

You got any plans?

I have given birth to three 11 year old boys, at differing times, of course.  I know 11 year old boys and like my friend Elizabeth says, “They think in spurts, like a dotted line, with no-thinking going on in between.”

One 11 year old’s parents in Utah are hogging all the dumb.

An 11-year-old boy in Utah reportedly told classmates that his parents recommended that he take a gun to school for defense after the recent mass shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut.

According to KSTU, students at West Kearns Elementary School notified teachers after the sixth grader pulled a .22 caliber pistol out of his backpack on Monday morning.

I’d rather tap dance through a mine field than ponder where this is going.

Thanks to Elizabeth for the heads up.

Speaking on the radio today, Newt said that the Sandy Hooks Elementary School massacre was “tied to a godless society.”

“When you have an anti-religious, secular bureaucracy and secular judiciary, seeking to drive God out of public life, something fills the vacuum,” Gingrich said. “I don’t know that going from communion to playing war games, in which you practice killing people is necessarily an improvement.”

Gee, I thought adultery filled the vacuum.

At first, Gingrich thought it was caused by divorce, hypocrisy, and short chubby ex congressmen who won’t waddle away, but he decided God was to blame instead.

What a sumbitch God is – taking it out on innocent little children because Newt Gingrich misbehaved most of his adult life.

How ’bout this one?  Saves the State of Texas a whole mess of money in lawsuits.

Two Texas woman, Angel and Ashley Dobbs, were stopped by State Troopers for the crime of throwing a cigarette butt out their car window.  A third trooper was called to the scene because one of the troopers smelled marijuana inside the car – a car registered to Angel’s boyfriend.

The third trooper – a female – proceeded to do what needs to be done when the heinous smell of marijuana happens in Texas – she did a cavity search.

The lawsuit alleges that Helleson used her fingers to search inside each woman’s genital areas. The suit also says that the trooper did not change the glove she was wearing and performed the search without consent. Angel Dobbs, who was driving her boyfriend’s car at the time, also passed a field sobriety test.

The suit also says Helleson failed to properly explain the extent of the search, telling Angel Dobbs, 38, “not to worry about” why she was putting on blue latex gloves.

“This intrusive cavity search occurred on the side of a public freeway illuminated by lights from the police vehicle in full view of the passing public,” the lawsuit reads. “Moreover, this roadside body cavity search was done without her consent.”

No drugs were found in the car and both women were stone cold sober.

An Actual Picture of the One Pair of Actual Rubber Gloves

The Texas Rangers investigated and sent the case to the Dallas County District Attorneys office.

So, a DPS Trooper did two body cavity searches on the side of the road in full view of the public because they “smelled” marijuana.

Drive friendly, y’all.

Thanks to Brian for the heads up.

Sometimes it’s more fun than watching the circus to see someone get fired.

Ted Nugent.

In addition to cancelling its popular “American Guns” reality show, The Discovery Channel confirmed to Raw Story on Tuesday that firearms enthusiast Ted Nugent will also not be returning to the channel in any form or fashion.

Somehow, I don’t think you should use the words form and/or fashion when speaking of Ted Nugent.

Instead, let’s use crazy self-promoting sumbitch.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads up.