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Y’all, it’s Louie.

During a Thursday rant about news that the National Security Agency (NSA) had been collecting phone records from millions of Americans, Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-TX) seemed to be a little confused when he proclaimed that freedom of the press is “granted in the Second Amendment.”

Y’all, Louie doesn’t know there’s nine other ones  in the Bill of Rights.  In fact, the thinks the Bill of Rights is something Republicans owe.

Thanks to Mike for the heads up.

Ezekiel Gilbert is 23 years old and lives in Bexar County.  For those of you from foreign states, that’s pronounced Bear County and San Antonio is its largest city.

It’s not that Ezekiel is an unattractive man, but apparently he couldn’t get laid at the Chicken Ranch with a hen under each arm and a fifty dollar bill stapled to his forehead.

So, as any gentleman is apt to do on Christmas Eve, he hired a Craig’s List escort to come and, uh, trim his tree.

Lenora Ivie Frago showed up and took the $150 fee.  The tree trimming was not what you might call successful.  According to Ezekiel —

Gilbert testified earlier Tuesday that he had found Frago’s escort ad on Craigslist and believed sex was included in her $150 fee. But instead, Frago walked around his apartment and after about 20 minutes left, saying she had to give the money to her driver, he said.

That driver, the defense contended, was Frago’s pimp and her partner in the theft scheme.

So, he shot her.  In the neck.  She lived for seven months, paralyzed, before she died.

The jury found him not guilty.  You probably want to know why.

Gilbert’s defense team conceded the shooting did occur but said the intent wasn’t to kill. Gilbert’s actions were justified, they argued, because he was trying to retrieve stolen property: the $150 he paid Frago. It became theft when she refused to have sex with him or give the money back, they said.

Damn tootin’.  A man pays for something he don’t get and you expect him to call 911?  This is Texas, Honey, even ugly men deserve a little Christmas Eve hoochy.

Ezekiel thanked the jury for giving him “a second chance.”

Holy crap.

A second chance at what?

Thanks to Robert for the heads up.

I would like to introduce y’all to Heather McGill, wife of Aladamnbama State Senator Shadrack McGill.

Shadrack is no stranger to oddness.  For example, he believes that giving teachers a pay raise will only violate a biblical principle.

“If you double a teacher’s pay scale, you’ll attract people who aren’t called to teach … and these teachers that are called to teach, regardless of the pay scale, they would teach. It’s just in them to do. It’s the ability that God give ’em.”

Obviously his teachers weren’t paid enough.

Heather McGill, Bibles and Bump-Its.

But now, things have turned ugly and his wife, Heather, has done her biblical duty.

Heather claims that stripper women are inviting her husband to “explore” on Facebook and sometimes strippers show up at his office and even at their home.

Heather, who is joyfully yet painfully unaware of how Facebook works, posted on her husband’s Facebook page that she ain’t putting up with this crapola.

She took to Facebook to lecture them on wifely duties.  In says, in part for you people who ain’t on Facebook …

I am very blessed to be the wife of a God fearing, hard working, ministry minded, loving father and husband and it is not just my right but my duty to lovingly serve him by protecting him! I have been silent for long enough!! NO MORE! Multiple times since being in office he has gotten emails from women (who may not even be real) inviting him to explore, also sending pictures of themselves. NO MORE!!!

And then she gets to the real Jesus-loving part.

I boldly stand before you today and declare that I will stand beside my husband, support him, love him, and protect him at ALL cost!!!! Those of you who know who you are consider yourself warned!

Y’all, as entertaining as this all is, I do think someone ought to tell her what spam is and that whoever is sending strippers to her house is a damn funny person.

Thanks to Deb for the heads up.

Way to freekin’ go, Congressvarmint John Fleming of Louisanna!  Let’s sic Sweet Jesus on them there homosexuals!

Fleming has talked the House Armed Services Committee to adopt an amendment that would allow harassment of people as part of the fiscal year 2014 defense authorization bill.  It passed by a vote of 33-2.

Fleming’s measure would expand the “conscience provision” that already exists in defense law. It would protect discriminatory speech and actions and leave commanders with no recourse against prejudicial conduct when it occurs in their units.

John Fleming. Loves the Mean Jesus.

If a service member believes Jesus would not approve of someone’s behavior, they have a right to harrass that person, be they gay, black, or a hooter toter.

Fleming, of course, meant it to allow harassment of gays.  That’s hateful enough.  But this would also allow harassment of anyone who doesn’t live their lives in a accordance with your religious beliefs.

Fleming, of course, is a Southern Baptist and a total jerk.  But, I repeat myself.

Thanks to Brian for the heads up.

Now you would suspect that a gun club would be a safe place to be.

And, damn, you would think wrong.

As many as 10 people were injured when a St. Charles man accidentally fired his gun at an Elburn-area gun club, police said.

In the clubhouse, the man was about to put away his 12-gauge shotgun, police said. Thinking he had placed a snap cap – a device that preserves the firing pin during storage – into the gun the man actually loaded a live round, police said.

He then pulled the trigger while the shotgun was aimed at the floor, discharging the gun. The fired ammunition ricocheted up and hit several people in the clubhouse, police said.

Now, I have heard of people who are such bad shots that they can’t hit the side of a barn – even from inside the barn – but this is the first time I’ve heard of a guy who can’t even hit the floor.

Thanks to UmptyDump and Scotty in Illinois for the heads up.