Okay, I know I’ll have to provide a lot of links to this story because you’re not going to believe me.

The Texas Railroad Commissioner Barry Smitherman is a doozy.  In Texas, the Railroad Commissioner regulates the gas and oil industry and just by looking around Texas, you can see that Barry ain’t exactly the People’s Prince.  If the truth is known, the man should have For Sale or Rent tattooed to his forehead.

So Barry decides that being a crappy Railroad Commissioner makes him totally qualified to be Texas Attorney General.  The current Attorney General is running for Governor so the seat is wide open.

So, the pandering has started.  First there was this:

Barry’s Facebook page suggested free handgun permit classes for all state employees because (1) Texas can certainly afford it, (2) the DPS at the door of the capitol isn’t enough but the Texas Historical Society ladies nixed building a moat around it, and (3) Barry needs that NRA endorsement.  (Okay, so I made up #2.  So sue me.)

But saying I Like Guns More That You Do isn’t enough.  Barry has to prove that he can hold women down and force them to have babies.

So, this happens.

In a recent speech to an anti-abortion group on the economic impact of terminating pregnancies, Texas Railroad Commissioner Barry Smitherman, a Republican candidate for attorney general, said he believed many unborn babies “would have voted Republican.”

Oh yeah.  He said that.  That is *freekin’* weird.

You know how the kid in that movie could see dead people?  Well, Barry can talk to unborn people.

Blakemore: Clown at the Goat Rodeo

His campaign manager, Allen Blakemore, who I have referred to as the Head Clown at the Goat Rodeo, comes rushing out to try to explain this so that we don’t have his candidate (read: paycheck) carted off to the Wacky Ward.

Blakemore interprets his clients crazyspeak —

Smitherman spokesman Allen Blakemore called the candidate’s statement a matter of statistics.

“Of course he was referring to the ones in Texas,” Blakemore said, “and we know that the majority of Texans vote for Republican candidates.”

Of course he was!  Sure he was.  That’s the story.  Incidentally, does this mean that Blakemore is saying that mostly Republicans have abortions?  That’s his explanation?  That’s cool by me.  I’ll spread that around.

But no, there’s more.  At no additional charge you also get this —

He touted the economic benefits to societies with high fertility rates and cautioned against heeding the warnings of overcrowding from “the same people that believe in global warming.”

Smitherman and his wife have four children. “We’re doing our part,” he said. “But some people are not having enough children.”

I think he meant you.  You know, you personally.  And he would have called your name if he wasn’t drooling all over his list of name of women needing to have more babies.

Yes, that is why the economy is failing – you women aren’t having enough children, dammit!

And then as if to round out a perfectly insane rant, Barry describes what he saw me doing at the state capitol at the debate on women’s rights.

And he praised the recent passage of abortion restrictions by the Texas Legislature. Smitherman described proponents of the legislation as “civil and polite, but persistent,” and characterized their opponents as “satanic, evil and crude.”

Yep, that’s me – satanic, evil, and crude.  Thank you, Barry, I tried hard.

I’m gonna tell you that with Texas Republicans playing musical chairs for statewide office this year, the winner is going to those of us who love political entertainment.   Oh yeah, and political consultants making money by translating wild insanity into merely offensive.

Thanks to Texas Trailer Park Trash for the heads up.

In a honest to goodness case of You Can Beat the Rap but You Can’t Beat the Ride,” 12 protestors at the Texas State Capitol during the Wendy Davis filibuster are facing criminal charges.

A dozen abortion rights supporters who were arrested last month at the Texas Capitol are facing new charges.

Twelve members of the group “Rise Up Texas” are now charged with disrupting a public meeting.
They were arrested on the day thousands flocked to the Texas Capitol for a final vote on the controversial abortion legislation.

All 12 were initially released without charges, now they say they’re being targeted for retaliation.

The maximum punishment is a two thousand dollar fine and 180 days in jail.

Is that your best shot, David Dewhurst?  Is that the best you got?

Hey Dewhurst, when they charge you with falsifying a governmental document, which the whole damn world saw you do, then this will not be viewed as a bag of feces.  But until then, what a load of crap.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Life can be very confusing.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell who is the good guy with a gun and who is the bad guy with a gun.

The story goes like this …

Joshua Snow lives in Oklahoma.  Late one night, he saw some people trying to break into his car in the driveway.  Wearing only his underpants, he grabbed his gun and went outside.  The would-be burglars took off running, with Underwear Joshua chasing them.  I mean, what’s the good in having a gun if you can’t run down the street in the middle of the night in your underwear to waving a gun around?

The police tell the media …

“That’s kind of where things get a little gray. We don’t actually know what took place there,” said Clark.

Snow was worried enough to bang on Jimmy Null’s door in the middle of the night.

Null grabbed his 12 gauge shotgun when he saw a man with a gun in his underwear.

Well, you gotta admit, that’s not something you see every day on your front porch.

The neighbor said seeing a man in his underpants carrying a gun in the middle of the night “made him suspicious.”  I can understand that.

So, the neighbor shot him.

And this is how the story ends …

Snow is expected to recover. Null is not expected to face any charges.

In all the chaos, the burglars got away.

Well played, gun guys.  Well played.

Thanks to Irene for the heads up.

Tom DeLay used to be my congressman.  Now I have Pete Olson, Phil Gramm’s mini-me.   When Phil Gramm gets drunk, Pete Olson falls down.  Those two are tighter than skin on a sausage.

We used to say, “Well, it couldn’t be worse than Tom DeLay.”  We were wrong.

Pete has never had honest work.  He’s been on a government paycheck all his life.  He was in the Navy and then he went to work for Gramm and hung around congress and now he’s a congressidiot.  No, seriously,  he ain’t real bright.  He is however, hyperactive and talks so fast that you have to listen real quick or he’s always three sentences ahead of you.

True story – last week he called me and asked me to join in a telephone townhall he was having.  I said, Okay, I’ll try this stuff.   At first, I though he was drunk because he was slurring his words and gasping for breath.  I finally got the idea that he was just talking too fast for me to follow him.  My first hint was when my phone caught on fire.

His entire life he’s been on governmental socialize medicine.  You need to remember that because it becomes important later on.

Anyway, and there is a point to this that I’ll get to eventually, Pete put out some campaign literature blasting the AARP.  I need to be honest and tell you that I am a 10 year member of AARP and I have their supplemental insurance for my Medicare.  I have been very happy with them and I even enjoy the little magazine they send me.

Pete Olson is not so happy with AARP.  He put a picture on his literature of President Obama wearing an AARP button, which means that now the AARP has cooties.

Pete declares that the AARP “is nothing but a shill organization for the radical left.”  I did not know that.   And apparently neither did President Yvonne Louviere and Vice President Leon Anhaiser of the Sugar Land branch of AARP.  They wrote Pete a scathing letter that told him in no uncertain terms that they disagree with him.   Strongly disagree. They have done many service projects and add …

We sponsor local candidate forums each year and allow both Republican and Democrat candidates the opportunity to speak to our membership. We are an informed and politically diverse organization.

Now here’s where I tell you that I searched the voting records of Yvonne Louviere (85 years old) and Leon Anhaiser (75 years old) and they have both voted in the Republican primary every election since 1992, which is as far back as I checked.   That’s Republican enough in my book.  They asked Pete Olson for a retraction.

Instead, they got this:

Asked to clarify his position regarding AARP, Olson said, “While I am appreciative of the local support and volunteerism that the Sugar Land AARP chapter offers our community, it does not change the fact that at the national level the AARP is a whole-owned subsidiary of the Democrat party and complicit in the Obama Administration’s efforts to weaken our freedoms, vastly expand government control over our lives, and force a liberal-extremist world view on the people of Texas. If the local chapter feels they need to take issue with this, they should start by internally working to change the AARP back to a service organization instead of an arm of the Democrat party.”

Oh Sweet Lord of Delusion, he doubled down and called these old people in tennis shoes patsies of the “Democrat” party.

Well, if the AARP is what Democrats want, then maybe Yvonne and Leon might want to come on over.  Yvonne and Leon, we don’t think you’re anybody’s fool. Pete does.

Pete Olson is having a town hall at Clements High School in Sugar Land on Tuesday night at 6:30.  You have to submit your questions in writing.  The last Olson townhall we went to, a guy threatened to punch Bubba in the nose.  Bubba laughed at him.  The police had to escort him out while while Bubba continued to grin.

Bubba can’t wait to go again.

Glenn Hegar is my State Senator.

For seven years in a row, the staff and customers of The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. have named him The Goofy is What Goofy Looks Like Champion of the Texas Senate.  Bless, his heart, most of the time he looks like he spent the night in the dishwasher.  Hell, mud fences crumble when he walks by.

Glenn has up and decided that he wants to run for Comptroller of the Great State of Texas.  The incumbent is retiring.  Winning the GOP primary will be a crap shoot because every third string Republican in Texas wants a damn government job.  Have you ever noticed how they hate government but want government’s signature on a check every month?

Anyway, Ole Glenn is one of those third string Republicans who wants to be Comptroller.

So, Glenn gets to thinking, What does Texas really need?  What can I do to help Texas?  A better educational system since we’re last in the nation?  No, not that.  Money to build roads since we’re having to replace paved roads with gravel ones?  Nope.  Health insurance for our citizens since we have the highest percentage in uninsured in America?   Heck, no.

What Texas really, really needs is a tax-free holiday for gun purchases!

.

Yep, since Texas has a tax free holiday for school supplies, it only makes sense to have a tax free holiday for guns and crap.  I mean what the fool tarnation could be better than guns, guns, no taxes, and guns!

And let’s not call it “Shoot up a school yard without the bother of pesky taxes,”  let’s call it …. prepare yourself …

.

… a family tradition.

So, guess who is shooting for the NRA endorsement?

Now, I have several questions about this deal.  My family likes to fish.  Will fishing equipment be included because fishing is kinda like hunting?  And if fishing is included, how about a bass boat?  And if it includes a bass boat would it include one of those super cool 200 foot yachts?  And how about a deer blind?  And how about clothes?  Does anything cammo count?  Including one of those cammo bikinis?  And how about banjos?  Ain’t you seen Deliverance?   You gotta have banjos.

Junior Janochek, Jr. wants to know if beer is tax free that day because you cannot go hunting without a case of beer.  It’s the law.   Just ask Dick Cheney.

Thelma’s family tradition is pool over at at Hobblin’ Henke’s Family Entertainment and Dance Hall.  She wants to know when you’re gonna get tax free pool day.  And a better haircut.  Thelma also wants to know that.

And what if hunting is not my family tradition, but maybe reading books is?  Can we have tax free book day?  Yeah, right.  I knew that was a shot in the dark.

Thanks to Nora for the heads up.

I just knew that someone would eventually see Republicans beating everyone over the head with their Bibles.

First the robber hit the gas station clerk with a Bible.

Blow after blow from the good book was delivered to the Circle K clerk’s face and head “in a boxing motion” while the employee loaded an ice cooler outside the store, according to a Toledo police report.

The man accused of hitting the clerk with the Bible and the ensuing tussle with police is Abbott Griffin, 57, of 2845 Eldora Dr., who was charged with aggravated robbery and held Friday in the Lucas County jail in lieu of $50,000 bond.

Well hell, it works for Republicans.

Thanks for the heads up to somebody who sent this to me yesterday but I seem to have lost the email and I can’t remember who it was.