Texas Lt. Governor David Dewhurst got famous for having women’s purses searched for tampons during the Wendy Davis filibuster because he had seen bags of feces and bottles of urine found on women who were trying to enter the Senate Chamber.  Of course, those items were never seen by anyone else or recorded in any manner.

Here’s the best part:  By Texas political standards, Dewhurst is considered “the moderate” in the race to keep his Lt. Governor seat.    He lost to Ted Cruz for the senate seat because he wasn’t able to produce a clown hat, a funny nose, and Sarah Palin’s endorsement quick enough.

So, first order of business for Dewhurst:  get knuckle-draggng drooling crazy as quick as you can!

At a candidate forum on Monday, Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst called for the impeachment of President Barack Obama, joining a number of other Republican figures in Texas who’ve flirted with charging the nation’s leader with high crimes and misdemeanors.

Speaking at the Northeast Tarrant County Tea Party meeting, Dewhurst opened with the big guns.

“This election is about protecting you and your freedoms, which are given to you by God, but which are being trampled on by Barack Obama right now. I don’t know about you, but Barack Obama ought to be impeached,” he declared to hearty applause. “Not only for trampling on our liberties, but what he did in Benghazi is just a crime.”

Yep.  God wants Barack Obama impeached.  And David Dewhurst knows all there is to know about bags of feces, bottles of urine, tampons, and bygawd God.

What the Lt. Governor of Texas has to do with impeaching President Obama, I dunno.  Hell, I still don’t even know what he has to do with tampons.

Well, it’s half past Crunch Day and negative Republican poll numbers are high enough to see the lights of El Paso.

Three more points and they can pass the driver’s license test in five states.

Look, I’m not saying I enjoy this but … oh hell, who am I kidding — this is more fun than recess in heaven.  And the diamond tiara on top of all this is that Texas Republicans are leading the  suicide mission.

To add a little hot sauce to this Republican bonfire, Ted Cruz and Louie Gohmert got caught with enchilada juice on their chins while holding a secret meeting meeting in the basement of a Tex-Mex restaurant in Dee Cee called Tortilla Coast, plotting ways to destroy any deal that might be made.  There were about 15 – 20 of the most conservative House members in attendance.

The group appeared to be talking strategy about how they should respond to a tentative Senate deal to reopen the government and raise the debt ceiling without addressing Obamacare in a substantive way, according to sources who witnessed the gathering. The Texas Republican senator and many of the House Republicans in attendance had insisted on including amendments aimed at dismantling Obamacare in the continuing resolution that was intended to avert the current shutdown.

Can you spell o-b-s-e-s-s-i-o-n?  Cruz is even considering another filibuster.  You know, because the first one worked so well.

The best part of their little Boys Only Club meeting?  They got caught by Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy, who was not invited to the conservative cabal but was a tad interested in what the fool damn tarnation did they think they were doing.

So even if a deal is reached, these clowns aren’t getting back into the clown car and leaving the circus.  No, siree.  They will have all three rings filled with tomfoolery.

And I don’t want to be one of those people who says which side won or lost, but I will say this:  If there is a black man in the White House when this is over, Republicans did not get what they really wanted.

Thanks to Kyle, who called me with the heads up because I still don’t have email.

I have been without email since 8:11 am, when an email from Wolferman’s Bakery announcing their 30% off sale was my last contact with the cyber world.

I called my email server.  They said they were “working on it.”  It is now 4:00 pm.

I think they were lying.  I think they took me off the Wolferman’s Bakery email list just to toy with me and are sitting around smoking cigars and reading my email.  That’s what I think.

I have a gmail account for emergencies such as this.  Tomorrow is my absolute deadline for one of my paying jobs.  I won’t get fired or anything if I miss it but it’s a monthly magazine and some people will get their feelings hurt.  People I like.

It won’t do you any good to have my gmail account because I only use it when my domain email goes down, which thankfully, really isn’t that often.  But when it does, it can be down for 2 or 3 days.

I’d quit emailing me because they tend to lose them when the server is down.

More rain is coming even though we are flooding in Texas.  God is messin’ with Rick Perry.

Three reasons this morning.

1.  Signs of the times —

2.  Larry Klayman of Freedom Watch at the Ted Cruz / Sarah Palin rally this weekend.

And, finally ….

3.  Ted Cruz goes so far off the ranch that Chuck Todd asks, “What planet are you living on?”

Remember the Republican congressfool who thought the government had 4 branches, and I foolishly mocked him?  I mocked him for thinking that.

Now I have to apologize to him.

We have the judicial, the legislative, the executive, and Eric Cantor.

In the dark of night, in a secret corner of congress, the Republicans passed a totally new rule that says a majority of votes cannot stop the government shutdown.  We have to have Eric Cantor’s permission in order to bring it to a vote.

 Chaffetz said the recently passed House Resolution 368 trumped the standing rules. Where any member of the House previously could have brought the clean resolution to the floor under House Rule 22, House Resolution 368 — passed on the eve of the shutdown — gave that right exclusively to the House majority leader, Rep. Eric Cantor of Virginia.

This means that all the other members of congress can pack their bags and go home because they can’t do diddle squat without Eric Cantor’s permission.  Cantor was last seen strutting around the house gym shaking his money maker in everybody’s face.  Okay, so I made up that last thing but it could happen.  You know it could.  You know he could even go to the White House and do that twerking thing.  He’s that kind of guy.

I am totally at a loss to explain how you can make Eric Cantor the fourth branch of government without even a peep from the semi-sane branch of the GOP.  That, my friends, is how much power a small group of greedy old white people with a Bible in one hand and a gun in the other – neither of which they know how to use properly – run this country.

Dammit.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Louie.

Yeah, Louie.

Louie says that if we default on the debt ceiling, that’s an impeachable offense.  (Take a deep breath.)  For President Obama.

That’s right.  If congress doesn’t vote to raise the debt ceiling, then they can impeach President Obama for … I dunno, like they’ve ever needed a reason?

What is it with Republicans and the word impeach?  Didn’t they learn anything from Bill Clinton?  You can impeach ’em but you cannot cook and eat ’em.  Hell, Bill Clinton was all over the stage at the last Democratic National Convention but Republicans were hiding George W Bush in an attic somewhere feeding him a pet goat or some damn thing.

Thanks to Kyle for the heads up and John for the snow globe.