Next week will mark three years since Ted Nugent promised us that he would “either be dead or in jail” in a year if Obama were reelected.

Promises, promises.

That’s why I know that anything that comes out of his mouth needs a clorox bath.

Nugent, who did disgusting things to stay out of the military, seems to think he’s he officially spokesman for the fighting men and women of America.

Nugget knows what is causing a record number of suicides among veterans, and it ain’t lack of PTSD and mental health help from the VA because the Republicans won’t spend a damn dime for veterans.

No, sireeee.  It’s because … Obama.

“Twenty to 25 of those guys kill themselves every day,” Nugent said at a recent fundraiser in Arizona, “and they haven’t told you why and they haven’t told anybody else why, but they told me why — because the commander-in-chief is the enemy.”

Ted Nugent hears dead people.

Seriously, y’all, his elevator is stuck in the basement.

 Thanks to Mike for the heads up.

Okay, so you elect a guy who has Ted Nugent as his campaign treasurer, claims that we are being invaded by Mexico, has been called out for cruelty to animals, and is just one slip away from being an accidental gun discharge headline and then you act all surprised when he gets elected Agriculture Commissioner adds crook to his resume.

Sid Miller is so damn crooked that when he dies, we’re gonna have to screw him into the ground.

We also elected ourselves an attorney general who is probably gonna face felony charges and has real sticky fingers.  The upside is that if we add Sinning Sid to the crook list, we might can get a buy-one-get-one-free deal at the local House of Sumbitches.

Back to Sinnin’ Sid.  Last week the Austin American Statesman reported that Sid hired the wife of his business partner to be the newly created Assistant Agriculture Commissioner at $180,000 a year.

Now they discover that Sid hired his campaign consultant, who is also an unregistered lobbyist, to be The Other Assistant Agriculture Commissioner.  To lobby in Texas, you have to register as a lobbyist.  It’s our equivalent of forcing them to wear a big red A on their chests.  The guy Sid hired is still being paid to lobby, while he is unregistered, and also drawing a hefty paycheck from taxpayers.

I have no idea what else they’re gonna find in Sid’s back pocket but I can safely bet that it’s gonna be tasty.  Hell, with front page stories like this, it’s gonna be hard to explain all that budget cutting he promised to do.

I guess we could take him down to the river and baptize him, but hell, we’d have to skim nasty for a week.

Thanks to Marge and Donna for the heads up.

Politician / Preacher / Diet Guru / TeeVee Salesman / Cinnamon Fan Mike Huckabee is so riled up that he has little spittle things forming at the edge of his mouth.  It’s a frightening thing to behold.

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee (R) said on Wednesday that gay-rights activists wouldn’t be satisfied until there are no more churches or Christians in America.

“It won’t stop until there are no more churches, until there are no more people who are spreading the Gospel,” Huckabee said on a right-wing radio program while discussing the backlash against anti-gay religious-freedom legislation in Arkansas and Indiana.

Personally, I think the gays had a wedding with pizza and didn’t invite Mike.

Wrong direction, dude.  In Arizona, a correctional institution guard accidentally shot himself in the leg while at the damn firing range.

Again in Arizona, the mobile gun selling businesses is not working as well as expected.

A 17-year-old boy was hospitalized with a wound from a gun a person was trying to sell him when it discharged early Thursday morning, Phoenix police said.

The boy said someone on a bicycle rode up to up to him in the area of 43rd Street and Southern Avenue about 1 a.m. and tried to sell him the gun when it accidentally went off, police said.

And apparently, the gun selling business is not going well anywhere.  I suspect that this guy was trying to demonstrate that his product works pretty damn well.

After questioning, police found that late Friday night in the 100 block of North Platt Street, the victim was showing his friends some guns he was hoping to sell.

And in a two-fer for the records book, in New Jersey two Port Authority police officers were cleaning their guns.  One accidentally went off and shot both of them.

A Port Authority spokesman says an officer in the Port Authority’s Commercial Vehicle Inspection Unit was cleaning his weapon when it accidentally discharged.

The spokesman says the bullet went through the officer’s left hand and then struck a second officer who was nearby in the left thigh.

He says both men were taken to University Hospital in stable condition.

If someone comes up to you offering to sell you a gun, run.  Write that down somewhere so you won’t forget.

For folks who are new around here, the only thing the women at the beauty salon care about more than politics is baseball. In fact, last year we tried to get Juanita Jean Herownself elected to her lifelong goal of being Commissioner of Baseball but team owners had other plans.  Damn them.

Which brings us to why we are all saluting the Oakland A’s today.  The A’s are having an LGBT night on June 17th.  Some A’s ticket holders did not like that. Oakland’s pitcher Sean Doolittle has excellent taste in women.  His girlfriend penned this open letter to Oakland fans.

Dear season ticket holders who wish to sell their tickets for LGBT Pride Night,

Everybody is entitled to their own beliefs and as long as nobody is getting hurt, I’m happy. I also can’t stop you from selling your tickets. I won’t tell you that you are wrong or that you are not allowed to think or act that way.

We live in a free country, after all. You are free to think and say and do whatever you’d like. In fact just this morning I used my freedom to eat yogurt with a steak knife because I ran out of clean spoons (because SOMEone forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night). Who was going to stop me? That’s right. Nobody. Nice try bin Laden.

I ended up cutting the corner of my mouth on the knife, and it wasn’t one of my brightest decisions. But I may have just invented a DIY smile enhancement. And I will sue you if you steal my idea. #America

I digress. So, A’s fans; if attending a baseball game on LGBT Pride Night makes you at all uncomfortable, it is probably a good idea to sell your tickets. And I have the perfect buyer. ME!

If you’d like to sell your tickets to June 17th’s LGBT Pride Night game, I will buy them from you at face value. As many as I can. No judgments. No questions asked.

From there, I will donate any tickets I purchase to the Bay Area Youth Center’s Our Space community for LGBTQ youth.

That way you don’t have to feel uncomfortable, and the seats don’t go to waste. It’s win-win.

Please tweet at me (@EireannDolan) if you’d like to sell me your tickets. I’ll purchase as many unwanted tickets as I can out of my own pocket. I also encourage other A’s fans to do the same. Let’s fill the stands that night!

Love,

Eireann and my hella gay moms

If Eireann ever needs a haircut or a job, she has one here.  Helluva woman.

Thanks to Brian for the heads up.

It just passed.

Texas has the third highest rate of HIV infections in the country, but that didn’t stop lawmakers from passing an amendment that defunds HIV/STD prevention programs Tuesday. The amendment to the House budget proposal—offered by Rep. Stuart Spitzer (R-Kaufman)—diverts $3 million over the next biennium to abstinence-only sexual education programs.

Texas receives more federal funds for abstinence-only education than any other state so a Democrat asked bygawd how much money do you need for abstinence-only education.  We’re already #1.

The bill’s sponsor, Republican Stuart Spitzer responded —

Spitzer responded that additional funds are needed as long as people are still having sex before marriage.

Well hell, let’s just give them all Start’s money.  No, seriously. He said that.

So what we need to do is to scare more people about sex so they will grow into happy, empathetic adults like Ole Stuart.  Stuart says that he was a virgin until he married his wife at age 29.  I’m gonna guess that wasn’t because of lack of trying.

And since gay people cannot marry in Texas, maybe they should go find out if Stuart’s wife has sex after marriage.

By the way, Texas has the highest teen pregnancy in the whole damn nation.

 Thanks to Karl for the heads up.