This is the greatest story of all time.  A man in Colorado shot and killed his computer.

Lucas Hinch, 37, was issued a summons by Colorado Springs police after he shot his 2012 Dell XPS 410 eight times in an alley, police said.

He took it to a safe place.  He made sure there was nothing to ricochet.  Then he murdered it.  He admits it was cold-blooded and premeditated.

The police confiscated his gun and gave him a ticket.  It is highly unlikely he’ll get more than a fine.

Hinch told the Los Angeles Times he has no regrets.

“It was glorious,” he said. “Angels sung on high.”

Dude, I know that feeling.  Yes, I do.

Thanks to Craig for the heads up.

Okay, I know Pre-K is rough because those little rug rats will kill you and then eat you. But I had no idea how rough it is until Republican Governor Greg Abbott’s semi-mildly progressive plan for Pre-K education in Texas was attacked by Republican Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, who lives in the dank, dark, and dreadful Tea Party world.

All twenty members of Patrick’s “advisory board” oppose the Abbott plan, and oppose is kinda an understatement.

Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick’s tea party advisory panel on Tuesday blasted Gov. Greg Abbott’s quality pre-K legislation as “socialistic” and “a threat to parental rights,” contributing friction to the already tense balancing act between the state’s top Republican leaders.

“We are experimenting at great cost to taxpayers with a program that removes our young children from homes and half-day religious preschools and mothers’ day out programs to a Godless environment …

Okay, the letter goes on and on but I kinda had to stop there.

It is news to me that Pre-K is Godless.  Every Pre-K class I have ever visited has an adult present who loudly proclaims, “Oh Dear God!” at least hourly.  Those kids are savages and even calling on God rarely stops Buster from attempting to gouge out Casey’s eyes.

But they keep on going —

This interference by the State tramples up our parental rights,” the letter added. “The early removal of children from parents’ care is historically promoted in socialistic countries, not free societies which respect parental rights.”

Y’all, seriously.  Is there a non-socialistic magic button between Pre-K and regular K?  How about 5th grade?  Is 5th grade socialist?

I dunno.  Dan Patrick and his Tea Party punch bowl get crazier and crazzzzzier.

Ted Cruz claims that he lobbied John McCain to allow the military to carry guns while on base.

John McCain says that Ted Cruz is playing with his imaginary friends again.

McCain claims it never happened.

“You know, I was fascinated to hear that because I haven’t heard a thing about it from him. Nor has my staff heard from his staff,” a jovial McCain told reporters late Monday. “Where did that come from? I have not a clue.”

Uh oh.

So the next day, Ted says he had “misspoken and later formally sent a letter to McCain asking the chairman to look into the topic.”

Misspoken.  Yes, misspoken is a new word for lied my butt off to try to make myself look relevant.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Allen West says that separation of Church and State is what causes high school and college football injuries.

Seriously.

Okay, I will admit that he was speaking to a group in Gladewater, Texas, so he was pretty much free to say any damn crazybutt thing he wanted to without suffering any challenge as long as he said God told him this stuff.

And even in high school, before every game at Grady Stadium, the pastor would come down and pray before every football game. I don’t remember catastrophic injuries. I don’t remember anyone getting carted off that field paralyzed.”

Yeah, yeah, I forgot to add that the group in Gladewater was real real old so, hell, they can’t remember what happened yesterday, much less 40 years ago.

Allen West:  solving the world’s problems through group prayer.

Thanks to Auntie BFly for the heads up.

Y’all, in answer to the question, “What gun would Jesus carry,” we have an answer.

A Catholic priest in Ann Arbor is taking heat for a pro-gun letter that encouraged parishioners to arm themselves, and said Christians too often pretend they live in a bucolic “Mayberry”-like world where bad things never happen.

The lengthy, 4,150-word missive is a followup to controversial announcement the Rev. Edward Fride made during Palm Sunday Mass when he said the Christ the King parish was offering concealed pistol licensing classes in response to an uptick in crime in the area, the Detroit Free Press reports.

I guess it’s official.  Jesus would have shot people who were messing with him.

The priest acknowledged his personal spiritual journey from being a pacifist to being The Terminator by writing a letter.

The priest clarified his position in the letter, which he titled “ We’re Not in Mayberry Anymore, Toto!”

You cannot mix metaphors.  That’s the law.  You can get shot for that on at least 27 college English departments.

Thanks to Mike for the heads up.

Anywhere else in Texas, you get indicted for a crime and tried for a crime in the county where the crime occurred.

Not so in Texas where Republicans in the Lege just voted themselves some real special  rules.  A new designation for elected representatives just passed the Texas House.

The vote for House Bill 1690 follows similar action in the Senate, which has signed off on giving lawmakers and other top-level state officials even more leeway in determining where they would face prosecution for abusing their positions.

If they go on a law-breaking frenzy in Austin, they want to be indicted and tried by their own District Attorney in their own county.  You know, their golfing buddy.  They are the only Texans who get this special treatment.  Life is very special for the special people.

It is likely that this came about due to the newly elected Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who is a double-geared lightning sleezeball.  This guy is low enough to steal an expensive writing implement at the body scanning machine and get fined for criminal securities fraud.

His buddy and business partner is the District Attorney in Paxton’s home county, Collin (think Fort Worth).  Right after Ken got fined for securities fraud, Ken conducted “an investigation” of himself.  Shockingly, after a completely detailed and exhaustive investigation, Ken found that Ken was not guilty of any wrongdoing.  Texans slept better that night.

The district attorney in my county has never ever investigated anybody accused of Republican political mischief, even though we gave him living proof of one of them voting in two states.

The Republicans in the Texas Lege just handed themselves a Get Out Of Jail Free card.

Thanks to AlaninAustin for the heads up.