Belching Ted
In the United States, the guidelines from the CDC suggest adult men should limit alcoholic drinks to two or fewer per day, while adult women should stick to one or fewer per day. This is not the law. They also say you shouldn’t eat butter. I eat butter. A lot. And nobody has been out to arrest me since the 1960s when, and I am sure this is just coincidentally, I didn’t eat butter at all.
Well, Ted Cruz lost both his brain cells when he heard about the guidelines and jumped to the Harvard-educated conclusion that this meant the liberal government was going to limit all red blooded American men, and most tragically Justice Brett Kavanaugh, to two beers a week.
I am not kidding you. So he takes his outrage, his Shiner Bock, and some friends to beg Americans to kiss his ass on the electric teevee. Yeah, the boy really likes his ass kissed. Or licked, I dunno, but begging for it so damn often is kinda a dead give away why his wife puts a padlock on his house robe.
So, here’s Ted and his fine specimen of American white men, all suffering greatly with certifiable medical cases of dickiedo. (For those with less medical training than the average Texas woman, dickiedo is the scientific term for, “His stomach sticks out more that his dickiedo.)
this is one of SNL's best cold opens in a while https://t.co/YSQaMpT2Hs
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) August 31, 2023
He also says they want to regulate ceiling fans. Honey, I have so many ceiling fans in my house and on my back porch that it’s built on a two foot concrete slab just to keep it from flying around in circles. The only suggestion I’ve been getting from my local government is to turn those suckers on full speed to keep from frying.
And while we’re on the subject of fans, I do not have a ceiling fan in my kitchen because it blows the food around. But, in this current heat I put a standing oscillating fan in there which I tripped over and knock it out cold. My oldest son came over for dinner and saw the fan laying on the floor. “Oh Momma,” he said, “I feel kinda guilty about that. I should have warned that fan not to provoke you.”
I live with smart asses but not the kind that need kissing. Thank you, Sweet Jesus.
There was a conversation below Nick’s piece below about someone being anoetic in relation to trumpf followers. Thanks to Opinionated Hussy for that and the definition by AK Lynne. I think anyone who believes what comes out of teddy’s mouth hole is “anoetic” and perhaps teddy is also that if he believes what he hears from someone else and spews it to others. What a wasted vote by voters. There’s a bunch of that going around.
1I’m gonna be snickering the rest of the day, so Thank You for this!
It amazes me just how much vitriol and mockery Sen. Cruz (R–Cancun) attracts. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.
BTW: When my Mother had her kitchen renovated in El Paso, she had a big ol’ ceiling fan installed–and it kept blowing out the pilot light on the range top. So much for that idea.
2Ted Crud is an excellent illustration of the limitations of an Ivy League education (Princeton undergrad, Harvard Law School – where one of my family was a contemporary and described the Crud’s personality in less than flattering terms.) Either he completely fails to understand how medical/ public research works, or he completely lacks the ethical grounding to speak honestly about what he understands. I’m leaning toward the latter.
Some public health findings are so persuasive and public support so strong that we do eventually get regulations to address them. Seat belts and child seats save lives, so they are required not only to be available but to be used. Second-hand smoke causes cancer, cardiovascular disease, lung damage – so we have smoke-free airplanes and restaurants and workplaces now. Vaccines are highly safe and protect both individuals and the community, so we do have some requirements (but people like the Crud are now trying to remove those.)
Other public health findings are strong, but we offer advice rather than regulation. Eating a lot of fruits and vegetables is protective against lots of different disease (cancer, heart disease, dementia, etc.) Smoking itself is awful for you, but it’s not banned. Keeping a loaded gun in the house is a risk factor for suicide, child injuries, but we don’t even require that guns be stored safely, or that you carry insurance. And yes, heavy drinking is bad, but it took a lot of work even to make it illegal to be drunk behind the wheel of a car.
I wish the Crud would quit lying, but then I also wish more people were not so ill-informed as to believe him.
3I went to business school, so thank you for that medical term education. You can look at Cruz and tell he drinks beer often; pretty soon a pic like the one of tfg playing tennis will surface, then everyone will know where that beer landed. And BTW since yesterday was Molly Ivin’s bday, I’ll be glad the Cruz is paying through the nose to send his girls to the school that produced Molly – at least there’s hope for them!
4Thanks for the nice addition to my vocabulary. Not sure a Mainer can use it (I almost said “pull it off”) but I can imagine it in Molly’s voice when the situation calls for it.
5This guy is the living example of “you can’t fix stupid.” I feel sorry for his family!
6The dickiedo almost made me spit out my lunch.
7The whole “smaller, streamlined, government”, “cut regulations”, “Democrat big government” BS hype spewed by the Rethuglikans is the exact opposite of what they do when they’re in power.
Here in Texass, Gub Abbutt and the totally Rethug controlled Lege just wrapped up another stellar session. They have imposed more than 1,000 new laws and added even more regulations to our governmental burden during that session, most of which take effect tomorrow, 1 September.
As ostensible ‘smaller, closer to the people government advocates’, one of the most hypocritical and egregious of their actions was to prevent application of local county and city laws and regulations [the ‘Death Star’ bill], which they disagreed with [EG: environmental regs, etc], to be overridden by their onerous state ones.
Fortunately an Austin Judge just ruled against the Rethugs subversion of local governmental authority. They will undoubtedly appeal this, so we’re not safe yet.
https://www.texastribune.org/2023/08/30/texas-death-star-bill-unconstitutional/
https://www.texastribune.org/2023/08/31/new-texas-laws-september-2023/
https://www.texastribune.org/
“A sweeping new Texas law aimed at undermining the ability of the state’s bluer urban areas to enact progressive policies is unconstitutional, a Travis County judge ruled Wednesday.
State District Judge Maya Guerra Gamble made the ruling just days before the law — House Bill 2127, which opponents nicknamed the “Death Star” bill — is slated to take effect on Friday.
The Republican-backed law aims to stop local governments from enacting a wide range of progressive-leaning policies by barring cities and counties from passing local ordinances that go further than what’s allowed under broad areas of state law. “
8Dear JJ, thank you so much for the laughs!
You made me realize that I do miss something about Texas – the turn of phrase. It’s an art form that Texans excel in.
Harvard-educated conclusion, padlock on his house robe and dickiedo! Oh, my!
I’m fixin’ ta bust a gut!
9One Pearl and one Lone Star for the senytor, then cut him off
10Can we start calling him Rafael instead of Ted? Because it’s his name.
11Dumb like a fox! Cr-ooze looks for anything he can use to
12rile up the brain-dead Magats against anyone and anything
associated with intelligence, moderation and rationality.
He is looking more and more irrelevant politically, so championing beer drinking against the horrible Democratic endorsed public health system seems to offer him publicity and attract the morons whose votes he needs, and who love to tell people to “Kiss my ass.”
JJ, you do realize that half of your male readers just stood up and checked the relative protrusion of their, uh, protrusions?
The other half are already aware of their personal value using that metric. Or are so old that they gave up caring one way or the other.
[I also vote for calling him Rafael, as one Ted here at the salon has requested us to do. But “the Crud” is also a good one.]
13*Side note on Ted Cruz’s name, his middle name is Edward, and I think Ted is a nickname for Edward (as well as for Theodore).
Not that I feel comfortable defending him for anything, anywhere, whatsoever.
14It looks to me that all the gents, including Gassy Cruz are pregnant and should not be drinking alcohol any way!
15Regulating ceiling fans is not a bad idea. They need to work and not injure anyone, and I’ve seen some cheap ones that didn’t work so well, and threatened to injure anyone nearby when they fired up. Lack of regulation is just a gift to greedy manufacturers, most of which are in China now.
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