Anatomy of a Cheater
Another tale from Nick Carraway —
I used to know this girl named Jordan Baker. She’s a professional golfer that has gotten in some hot water for cheating. Most golfers I know do it the same way she does. They use the occasional foot wedge or shave the occasional stroke. You look up at the end of the round and their score is three or four strokes lower than it should be.
The 45th president does it differently. I’ve seen only one other player do it like this in my life. It happened in high school when I played in the district championship. Instead of sneaking strokes past me he turned every hole into a negotiation. A ten turned into a five until we would bargain it back to an eight or nine. The result was the same if not even more effective in magnitude.
When looking back on that experience I am always struck by three things. First, the cheating was so over the top it wasn’t fooling anyone. Secondly, while he did shave off strokes he spent so much time and effort focusing on the con that he couldn’t do the simplest things to lower his own score. Finally, while I handily beat him, it was an absolute miserable experience.
I’ve been told that 45 does the same thing on the golf course. On one occasion, he clearly hit the ball in the water, but loudly proclaimed that the ball on the green was his. Everyone saw one of the other players hit the ball on the green, but that didn’t matter. He wouldn’t relent until they agreed it was his. Ergo, he doesn’t get you with guile. It’s a battle of attrition. You just get so tired of malarkey that you end up giving in.
Of course, no one ever lived or died based on a round of golf. At least, no one I know ever did. Politics is a different ball of wax altogether. What politics and golf have in common is that they both are miserable when you are dealing with a cheater. It’s a lot more fun and entertaining when everyone has the same goal. It’s why I eventually broke up with Jordan.
This is so totally on point! Thank you!
1Goebbels called it the Big Lie. Just go all out, “flood the zone with shit” as Bannon said, and don’t worry about plausability or reality. No, that other fellow’s ball is the one that went into the water. You weren’t watching closely enough. Oh, the one on the green has his initials on it? That proves the jerk is a thief, I hope he drowns when he has get the one he actually owns out of the pond.
Fortunately for us, neither Trump nor any of his minions has the IQ that Goebbels had.
2What’s depressing is cheating golfer Trumpf now has followers in high (and low places) doing his lying for him. And it’s not a game, it’s cruel and deadly. It’s not just a mentally ill president now, it’s a mentally ill government and party.
3Trump cheats at work, cheats at playing golf, cheats on his taxes. There’s talk of his post presidential memoir which I can only hope is titled “It’s A Miserable Life.”
Like the movie with Jimmy Stewart (It’s A Wonderful Life), Trump’s actions affect everyone around him, but in his case, we’re all subjected to his wretchedness.
4What’s depressing is that people want to keep playing golf with him.
The lies are getting more bizarre though. At his vaccine announcement he took time to claim that although Pfizer’s chief executive had announced to the world that his vaccine had no connection to Warp Speed, really he (the Pfizer guy) was mistaken.
You might suppose that that one wold shake the last few sane people out of the Trump camp.
Then there was this:
Today I turned on C-SPAN2 to see what current events they were following. It showed film from the Million MAGA March, and unlike news shows that always pick the most active clips, C-SPAN just watches.
The crowd was not peppy.
Then many of them began to migrate toward a point I could not see (evidently a speakers’ platform) and the chant began: Alex Jones, Alex Jones . . .
5SPORT can prepare a person for life. To some extent, it is true that “Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eaton”. Having said that in my opinion golf is too much of a gentleman’s game to give an opponent the opportunity to teach a life lesson to a cheater. For example, if Trump were to throw an elbow in someone’s face in a pick-up basketball game there would be instant retaliation. Obviously, he doesn’t play by the rules.
6True Yellowstone, there are no forearm shivers or clothesline tackling in golf, but the well timed cough during a backswing can do wonders.
7Well there was that guy in Florida that tried to beat an elderly women with his 7 iron for a never Trumpf sign. Too bad the older (I should talk) couple didn’t have their clubs with them. I think a well placed iron shot from them would have been appropriate.
8When Iwas in college, I used to play Ultimate Frisbee, and got OK at it. Years later I was playing in a pickup match when this corporate weenie throws a frisbee into my (outstretched) leg, and then started screaming I’d fouled^ him. There are just some people that can’t deal with the fact that sometimes we don’t win…
^ Fouls are called by the players themselves, usually *on* themselves.
9This tells me his majesty has NO friends. My uncle loved golf and played every Wednesday afternoon with business associates and Thursday afternoon with friends. The business people all judge each other on the links, no doubt. The friends have FUN! They cheer a good drive and laugh and dig in on the bad putts. Both of these groups were life long. Sadly, this is another example of how warped an individual his majesty is.
10It’s been a while since I played, but Rule 6, iirc, is the rule by which you may b!tch slap those who cheat you, assuming the course or tournament is under the “one ball rule”. Under that rule, Players must hole out the ball with which they teed off. They may substitute only after losing a ball or if the ball is out of bounds unplayable. They may switch balls between holes as well.
11Using this rule involves covertly picking up their ball and replacing it with a different brand and numbered ball, then calling their attention to it after 18. Lots of ways for this ploy to fail but it becomes obvious to the offender that you know they cheat.
Guys that do this don’t want to bleed you dry they just want drop or two every time you play them.
The usual remedy of a punch in the nose would not be possible with Secret Service hanging around. Even if Moscow Mitch had not saved his fat ass, there would still be at least one agent hanging around. What a waste of our money!
12