Aladamnbama Never Lets Me Down
The 75 year old Mayor of Talladega, Alabama, made the news today because he was shamelessly attacked outside a barber shop where he works part time.
Larry Barton, who is about to run for his fifth term as mayor of Talladega — and who was re-elected in 2011 after serving prison time for fraud — told NBC News from his hospital room at the University of Alabama that the attack began around 7:30 a.m. (8:30 a.m. ET) Saturday in the parking lot of Cahaba Heights Plaza Barber Shop in Vestavia Hills.
The assailant was wearing a coat and hood and his weapon of choice was “a sawed-off baseball bat.” My theory is that a sawed-off baseball bat is actually a lesser weapon than a actual baseball bat. However sawed-off baseball bat sound so damn badass.
In Barton’s own words.
Barton said that he eventually grabbed the bat and held on to it, then kicked the man twice in the groin.
He’s 75 years old.
Barton identified the assailant as 72 year old Benny Green, a man who used to do a talk radio show with him. Barton says he has “no idea” why Green would attack him.
But, someone else does.
Barton said that he didn’t know why Green would attack him, but The Birmingham News reported that it could have been over an alleged sex tape.
“Barton was caught on hidden video having sex with Green’s wife,” a former divorce lawyer for Green said, according to the newspaper.
Barton, however, told NBC News that he didn’t know anything about a sex tape. “I don’t know what they’re talking about,” he said.
He’s 75 years old. He probably forgot all about it.
Thank you, Alabama.
Sounds like they’re working it out between themselves.
1Ha! Three cheers for any old f*** that can actually be in a starring role in an “alleged sex tape”. Of course, I’m afraid I’d have to be squinting my eyes to try to avoid the various wrinkles in action. Ewww.
2How appropriate Larry is the mayor of Talladega, site of NASCAR races. NASCAR fans I know, will not return to the races at Talladega because of the vulgar, scary conduct of the fans who frequent that track. Imagine how bad it has to be to offend the sensitivity of NASCAR fans.
3Who knew? – “Talladega Nights” ….. and please, please, please may any and all judges hearing any part(s) of this case issue gag orders and place any existing tapes under protective order.
The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. needs a “cuss jar.” Split the funds however you want between making Texas BLUE, Planned Parenthood and other worthy causes.
Sorry Mrs. B., but the first $100 is on you. Mind you, a paltry sum for what you just cost me in brain bleach.
4Based on this guy’s photo it can’t have been much of a sex tape.
5Who would believe what the other guy’s lawyer says?
6You make me laugh out loud………you couldn’t make this up.
7I can’t even imagine what kind of people would re-elect a guy who was convicted of fraud.
8glf, what you cannot imagine, time constraints prevent me from making the beginnings of a list. Dubya X2, Snot Wanker, the Outlaw Jersey Whale, all Texas Republicons, the current crop of Republicon presidential candidates. Those that aren’t frauds are crazy; some are both.
9Sex tape? Hmmm! Where have I heard that before and just a few days ago. I got it! Michigan! It was being used as a tactic by a guy legislator who was canoodling another state legislator, a gal with a last name she really, really should change.
Can’t remember at the age of 75? Well . . . there are times I can’t remember what I had for lunch and I am 75 but heck all gosh I sure would have remembered the sex and the tape if that had been something specifically and primarily involving me inasmuch as I do remember sex being a lot more memorable than lunch!
10Giggle. And now I need brain bleach.
11Maybe they need to record it so they can remember that it happened. Sure would like to hear what Mrs. Green has to say.
12The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a sawed-off baseball bat is… Almost anyone, apparently, including the unarmed victim.
Sawed-off baseball bat – it’s a fairly popular self-defense weapon from a simpler time. It fits nicely between the driver’s side seat and the door, easy to get at. My dad carried a night stick there; I kept a length of electrical conduit with a lanyard thru a crimped end.
This guy did it wrong, though. You’re supposed to saw off the barrel and put electrical tape around the cut end to prevent splitting. Then drill into that end and pour molten lead in. Otherwise, all you have is a bat handle. Instead of putting old Larry down, all it did was piss him off.
Amateurs.
13daChipster, I will never, ever mess with you. Ever.
14Aladamnbama, the gift that keeps giving to beloved Juanita…
Sen. Paul Sanford, R-Huntsville, has established a GoFundMe crowdsourcing page to raise money to go towards the state’s general fund. Says he: “Rather than have the Government come after your hard earned money you can now send an amount that fits your budget, even request where your money be used.”
“One of the contributors was Daniel Crawford, who provided a message along with his $10.
Here is 10 bucks. If there was a lottery in this state that’s how much I would have spent today. Oh wait!! There is no lottery. Maybe instead of doing this, I should just mail to Tennessee,” Crawford wrote.”
http://www.al.com/news/index.ssf/2015/08/state_senator_raises_40_on_gof.html
15@daChipster
That seems like a lot of work. Slip a Bath size soap bar into a long white athletic sock. Apply with force as needed.
16@micr. Or a roll of coins.
17So it’s 2 AM on Election Day and yer out on sign patrol when you come across two jamokes stealing your guys’ yard signs.
Da nerve a dem guys!
Ignoring da trunkful of dere yard signs dat you got, you jump outta da car and yell “Hey you #*!<wads! Leave dem signs alone or I'll whak yuz wit dis….
Soap-charged, long, white, athletic stocking??? It's 99 and 44/100 percent guaranteed to kick boatayer asses!!!
Maybe, MAYBE, they will laugh themselves sick and forget to tell anyone you tried to give them the old soap-a-dope.
There's something to be said for the intimidation factor of a lovingly prepared, hand-crafted blunt instrument over, say, a bath bar and spare laundry. "You fellows beware! I have soap!". . . "Stand back, I say!"
Nah, I'm kind of a traditionalist in these matters.
18The original article by John Archibald of The Birmingham News had this exact quote from Mayor Barton “If I hadn’t kicked him twice in the balls I’d be dead.”
19@daChipster
20I agree re: intimidation factor of a sawed off baseball bat is higher. Unfortunately the ball bat, like my personal favorite Monadnock PR-24 baton leaves a mark. Sock-o-soap doesn’t. In circumstances I may or may not have been involved in as a youth of less than 17 years, leaving a mark was unacceptable.
Micr – agreed! Oranges do that very well, too, plus you get orange juice when you’re done!
For you young ballplayers out there: these chest-beating posts are for entertainment purposes only. DON’T try any of that at home; we don’t advocate violence as a solution to anything.
21Yeah. Yeah. What daChipster said.
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