On Love and Forgiveness
Something happened today that triggered strong feelings for me and some other people I know. Some of them are avid readers here, so I need to tread lightly when mentioning this person. Suffice it to say, he had been progressive and something happened. I’m not a psychologist or a licensed professional counselor. I have a mere masters in school counseling. So, I can only guess what happened. Moreover, I’m not even sure it matters in the grand scheme of things.
Ostensibly, he said some very hurtful things to a friend of ours. Again, no details are needed. I saw him on the golf course today and said hello. We talked for a few minutes and exchanged pleasantries and that was the full conversation. I certainly didn’t seek him out. I’ve barely thought about him in several years. In a private conversation with one of the people more intimately involved in the situation I came upon something. It is something I discovered a few years ago and it has changed my life immensely.
Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves. It has nothing to do with the person being forgiven. They can seek forgiveness or not on their own time. Forgiveness is about us letting go of the anger, hurt, and pain. It is about us driving that person out of our lives. People often talk about the difference between forgiving and forgetting. I never forget. What ends up happening is that whatever the source of that anger and pain over being hurt is released. I allow myself to set it free. It’s gone.
Certainly, I get much of this from my own background and education. However, this is not necessarily a religious thing. It certainly can be, but it doesn’t have to be. It is more about mental health than anything else. When I think of the people in my life who are hateful, vindictive, and bigoted it just makes me incredibly sad. What must someone have gone through to carry all of that with them? I certainly don’t seek them out. I have no time or inclination to try to reform people like that. When I run into them I try to be as gracious and cordial as possible. After all, many of them feel glee when they are allowed to ruin your day with their crap.
Hate feeds hate. For years, we have been told we need to fight fire with fire. I steadfastly refuse. When doing this you become that which you hate. Certainly the occasional joke at someone’s expense is fine. We certainly should feel free to laugh at idiots when we encounter them. However, I am not suppressing my joy and love just to give someone that which they probably crave anyway. They want our outrage. They want our anger. They want our derision. Let’s not give it to them. Whatever few undecided folks are still left need a clear choice between hope and love and hate and derision. It can’t be a choice between two sides that hate each other. That’s not really a choice at all. It must be a choice between community and love on one side and narcissism on the other.
What a lovely inspiring post. I wish I had that in me. I do try, but forgiveness is hard for me when my country is in peril. I can and have forgiven personal slights and betrayals; I should be able to be kind to the magats, and yet, maybe because they scare me (?) I cannot. I want to shriek and shake them until they regain senses. That our government is filled with people intent on giving tit for tat because their hero did impeachable things. The attempts to disgrace President Biden because trump didn’t deserve their loyalty just enrages me more. Maybe it’s like John Lennon said; those who have the most anger make the best peaceniks because we know the pain of anger?
1Thank you Debby. The best analogy I can make to illustrate this is with my current position. I work with special education students. They are not always pleasant people as some are emotionally disturbed and others might have autism where they struggle to connect emotionally. They rarely ever become violent but they can be verbally abusive. I’m certainly not intentionally comparing MAGA to special education children in terms of intelligence or adaptive behaviors but I learned an important lesson years ago. Their behavior isn’t about me. It’s about them. I certainly can escalate or de escalate with the choices I make, but making them accountable for that behavior doesn’t mean I have to internalize it. Again, it’s not about me. It’s about them.
So forgiving someone doesn’t mean we let them off. It just means we let go of whatever pain, anger, or angst it has caused in us. Throw the January 6th rioters in jail. Throw 45 in jail. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you (perjorative you) are free from the consequences of your actions. It just means I don’t have to dwell on them.
2I worry that I am start to hate conservatives. That would mean they won.
Greed and intolerance are the GOP core values, and they manipulate their base hate and fear.
3The three most powerful words in the language in this part of the world are “Bless (your / their) heart(s).”
Sure, they can mean “what a damn fool,” but they can also mean “Oh!!! What can I do to soothe your pain?” I’m not a churchy guy, but those words are what I aspire to when I think of faith.
4Unfortunately a fairly generic concept has been wrapped in religious imagery. That’s my failing as it’s the language I know best but this doesn’t have to be that. It’s simply about not allowing someone else to control my happiness.
5Nick, don’t suppress your joy and love for people who truly are on the fence.
Or even might be.
And it might be true about becoming them (the fascists) by hating them because that’s what they want.
But it’s also true that refusing to acknowledge that hatred is just refusing to acknowledge the reality that there’s a concerted, well planned and well financed effort to convince the fence sitters that we’re unamerican communists who deserve to die.
And as always, that’s just my opinion and I’m just as full of shit as anybody else.
But godamnit no.
I don’t hate those motherf**kers because that’s what they want.
I hate em because they think they can tell people .
Who to hate
6And that anybody who doesn’t hate who they do, must be hated too.
7Idk what the official definition of fascism is.
But that one’ll work for me.
P.P,
I keep forgetting who I tell these stories to, but I work with special education students. I have never been physically abused by a student, but a number of them have been verbally abusive. I hate to compare MAGA to special education students, but it is similar in this sense. Students don’t get to be verbally abusive without consequences. I don’t have to internalize it and take it home with me.
I can control my actions and my intentions. That’s all I can control. So, when stuff like this happens I can escalate the conflict or deescalate the conflict. I also get to choose how personally I take something like that. The student is responsible for their behavior. They get to face whatever consequences they need to face. That same is true for MAGA.
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