To Every Season
Sorry for being a little quiet, lately, y’all. I’m trying to help Ms. JJ while she’s out but I have been in one of those short-lived (I hope) periods of emotional overwhelm. Call it what you like, depression, grief – it’s that rock on my chest that refuses to move when I try to get out of bed. I walk around with a smile on my face, doing my daily business with a smile, all the while with knees shaking and my head repeating “just go back to bed. just go lay down. Just go close your eyes.”
My photos will show me smiling and at that moment, I’m genuine! But the happiness flitters away, the smile recedes, and the boulder settles itself back on my chest.
It’s been a tough year. So many of the comforts of a passing year that give us hope for renewal were just missing for a year. For me, baseball season is and has always been the ultimate symbol of everything being right in the world. My daddy always said there are three things you can always look forward to: Death, Taxes, and Opening Day. I used to get a phone call the first day pitchers and catchers reported to spring training. “Pitchers and Catchers Report!” he’d yell. I’d make an inane comment about how fast time flies and we’d trade texts and calls for the next few months about all things baseball. This has left a huge hole in my life every baseball season and each year it becomes harder to fill. Then came the pandemic.
My heart was almost mended enough from the sign-stealing scandal to give my Astros a new shot last year, but of course, Opening Day never came. The one person I wanted to share that with, my daddy, was no longer with me. He’d have thought the people cutouts were stupid but he would have probably bought one for me.
Opening Day came and went in 2021. Things are starting to get back to normal. My husband and I are fully vaccinated and can venture, masked, out into the world. But my husband’s mama and my daddy aren’t here, and I miss them. It’s funny how grief seems to sit dormant until all of a sudden it rears its head again. Because I believe in the baseball Gods, I’ve purchased some cheap seats to visit my team this weekend. I’ll be in the nosebleeds – with the real fans – and I hope my dad will be sitting in one of the seats that have been kept open to social distance, telling me which calls were shit and which rookies to watch out for. Hopefully the Astros get the COVID outbreak under control, soon.
I’ll feed my soul with some peanuts and popcorn, a hot dog, a giant ice-cold Dr. Pepper and a big foam sombrero. Maybe next week, the sun will shine a little brighter for me.
If you’re feeling depressed and would like someone to talk to, people are waiting at (877) 870-4673. Or just get going in the comments below, we’re good people here and would love to chat. If you are having thoughts of suicide, Please call 1-800-273-8255.
Oh, and one more thing. Just since it’s a politics blog I need to keep the theme. Ted Cruz Sucks.
Hugs to you, darlin’ Hang in there, the waves will gradually smooth out.
1Maybe when the Astros get rid of Altuve.
2Enjoy the game this weekend. It certainly helps heal.
3Here’s what’s tough right now in our area- only 2 family members per family can attend little league games, so that leaves us grandparents out. Hope that changes by fall ball.
Oh, and would be great if yours and JJ’s Astros can have a rematch with my Dodgers this year!
Oh, and agree on sucking ted cruz. And louie gohmert.
I was widowed at the age of 41 when my beloved husband died from a sudden, massive heart attack. That was 26 years ago. The heartbreak and absence is a quiet whisper now. But I will always morn his loss. I keep his memory alive by supporting those organizations that support his love of nature, birds and the missions that serve the needs of the homeless.
Grief is a very personal, individual process that is different for each person. That is all I know.
Friends in TX tell me that Ted Cruz has spent 124,000 dollars for personal “protection”. As lax as the gun laws are in TX, perhaps he feels threatened by the little people with guns that he’s been screwing over. Given how little security guards are paid, he just might get what he paid for…just sayin’.
4Thank you for your honesty. I’ve dealt with depression off and on for most of my life. I have taken medication in the past and it has helped, but more than anything it has helped to participate in activities I love. That’s what was so hard about the pandemic. It’s become harder to get back into those activities. It’s the main reason I write so much. It is the one thing I enjoy that isn’t affected by the pandemic. I second the motion to talk to someone if you need help. Isolation can be heart wrenching.
5Having Cruz as our Senator for four more years (and Cornyn for six) is enough to make us all feel down.
6Thanks, Jet!
We needed that. I’ve been fending off the blues with the greens:
Lots of gardening – a new queen palm, food veggies, a couple big circles of bright annuals, rebuild the kid swing, tying up the runaway climbing roses, trimming the bushes that hide the car charging station.
First social function with our quadra-pod Saturday. Potluck. All vaccinated but the kids. Should be fun, a rare occurrence these days. Sunday a big rain scheduled. Droughty here in Richmond CA.
Over and out.
7Interesting that you would bring up baseball. For years, JJ and I were praying for a World Series featuring her beloved Astros and my beloved Nationals. The thinking being that one of us would be deliriously happy and the other would be happy for her. Lo and behold, it actually happened in 2019. The Nats, of course, won in the most unusual Series ever–the “away” team won all seven games. Of course, as soon as it was over, the Astros’ cheating scandal broke and JJ was doubly heartbroken. In DC, t-shirts appeared with the words “WE WON ANYWAY”
Last year was pretty much a bust and there was no Opening Day crowd to watch the championship flag raised over Nationals Park. Nor did we get the chance to boo the Astros when they came to town. A slew of our stalwarts sat out the season and they finished last or near last. This year, there was no Opening Day as scheduled because of an outbreak of Covid. Just as that particular ship righted itself, people started going on the Injured List. Sigh.
Grief works in strange ways. JJ’s sudden loss of her husband sent me reeling back 36 years ago when the same thing happened to my Dad, when I was about the same age as JJ’s sons. As I wrote to JJ, a unexpected death like this is like a bomb going off in a family and the shrapnel hits widely.
We have all experienced different things during the pandemic and I really appreciate your mention of the help that available with a simple phone call. Thank you for the reminder. And, thanks for helping to keep the Salon open for business.
8Ditto what BarbinDC said. Nick, I really appreciate your well-written and well-thought-out posts. And Jet, I appreciate your post – I’ve been grateful for teletherapy with my clients this past year.
I’m just as grateful that the pandemic got my husband on the tractor to plow the garden I’ve wanted for decades. Building the raised beds, sifting out the rocks, and then watching my little green ‘forest’ pop up under the grow lights feeds my soul daily. (Of course, the early spring things down in the garden are covered in a frost blanket at the moment – another hard freeze expected tonight!) I’m beginning to anticipate life post-pandemic at this point, and wishing all and sundry in the WMDBS a brighter year going forward.
9A socially distant ” hug” from upstate NY to all who are having difficult times.
10We all struggle.
Hugs to all my fellow vets who ofter are dealing with hidden wounds from decades in the past. You’re my heroes.
11This sometimes cheers me up — especially when mom eagle or dad eagle brings the kids a nice fish.
Redding California Eagles Live Nest Webcam
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CVZT7aOcJs
But don’t watch if you are on the fish’s side.s
12Here is a 1 min 45 sec video to help lift the spirits. 🙂
“Willians Astudillo gets batters out throwing 46 mph pitches”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jotbKXA35vU
13Jet, I spent decades waking up with my first thought as to whether or not I’d kill myself today. I’m glad I fought the urge each and every day. I still suffer occasionally for PTSD from my awful childhood. I didn’t start to heal until I found a psychologist and got on meds. I’m now off meds and haven’t been suicidal in years despite the PTSD. I’m telling you so that you might see that I have some creds. First, thank you for writing it to us. It helps everyone, even those who’ve never suffered this way. Next, talking or writing about it is a necessary step in healing. Third, my dad died 12/12/12 at the age of 96 2/3 and I still miss him, but as was said the deep gloom has faded. I miss him most when I have a really good (or bad) pun to share with him. Fourth, my neighbor’s children will be at an Astro game this weekend, maybe tomorrow night, with their grandparents. I hope you are near them as they are so much fun that they would cheer you up. Fifth, it’s okay to feel the weight of being down. No need to feel guilty about wanting to stay in bed nor talking about it. Lastly (for now), be grateful for you husband and hug him regularly. I’ve never been married and had to find a way to survive in an empty house during Covid. I’m pleased to say that I’m thriving, thanks in part to those kids I mentioned, their younger sister, and their parents. Hang in there and be kind to you.
14G Foresight- best highlight of the day! I’d pay to watch that guy. Wish he could strike out Mike Trout.
15Jet, I’ve enjoyed your posts as well, and am also grateful for your honesty in this one.
16You, Nick, and Jefe are doing great keeping this joint running without the hair on the floor piling up.
I hope when you go to a game you see or hear something your dad would’ve smiled or laughed at.
And I hope it makes you smile too.
It won’t mean you miss him any less.
17Jet and Nick: we’re glad that you’re here, and for what you’ve brought to the Salon. [Otherwise, we’d be stuck re-reading the years-old Home and Garden magazines over by the hair-dryers.] And I certainly hope you both continue to post even when JJ gets back into the saddle and rides forth again. We may not always agree but it’s clear that you put a lot of thought and concern into your postings.
As for El Jefe: don’t mean to leave you out, but you’re an old hand around here and so you are now an institution. In fact, I think some of those old Home and Gardens have your name and address on them ….
18Yall are all nicer than I deserve. Thanks for your kind words.
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