Yeah, They Heard
Okay, you guy can chip in and help me write my Outsmart column this month. I’ve got a decent start so offer suggestions for Twenty Reason the GOP is Avoiding Texas.
As you’ve heard by now, the national Republicans chose to have their 2016 Presidential convention in Cleveland, Ohio, rather than Dallas, Texas.
There’s a good reason for that. Texas Republicans. Seriously, think about it. Texas Republicans are so flatass crazy that other Republicans don’t want to be seen around them. Texas Republicans are the crazy uncle you lock in the attic. Our Republicans are the wackiest damn Republicans in America.
So here’s the reasons National Republicans won’t come to Texas.
1. They heard that we barbeque Teslas.
2. Successful gay mayor in Houston. Totally a Democrat.
3. Successful Hispanic mayor in San Antonio. I mean, like Mexican. Totally a Democrat.
4. Unsuccessful Dopey Governor in Austin. Republican.
5. Fact: Louie Gohmert is considered normal in East Texas. Okay, maybe not normal, but not highly abnormal either.
6. Now forcing crude oil use on bicycles. Pedal and spill it.
7. Ted Cruz wants to declare war against Mexico, and just to be safe, New Mexico.
8. Sarah Palin once described Texas as, “where the dumb people live.”
9. The humidity is sometimes described as “involuntary baptism.”
10. We have outlawed the singing of “I’m Proud To Be An American” because it has the word America in it. We don’t like America. There are muslims in America.
11. You know the myth that every Texan carries a gun strapped to their leg? No longer a myth.
12. Wanted a skeet shooting contest at the convention replace the roll call vote.
You gotta have more…..
There’s gotta be a Drill, Baby, Drill joke in here somewhere.
13. Gregg Abbott won’t tell you if your hotel is next to the next exploding fertilizer/chemical storage area.
14. Chase Koch is in charge of your safety.
15. The Salvation Army has selected Chase Koch of Koch Industries Inc. to lead its Mission of Hope Christmas campaign.
16. There is no hope in Texas. ****
**** Until Texas elects Wendy Davis and Leticia Van de Putte.
1Feel happy, very, very happy Texas. Cleveland, the “Mistake on the Lake” will be hosting the Clown Car Convention and all the ammosexuals likely to be attracted like flies to the word salads.
17. No need to drill, when the Kochs will blow a hole in your town or BP will blow up your beachfront for free, with tax considerations, of course.
218. Too close to Oklahoma, and Oklahoma sucks.
3Gotta admire you for sticking with it, Susan.
It was fifty-five years ago that I left Houston for collidge (at least that’s the way we pronounced it) in Californ-eye-ay, and I eventually went so far west that they call it the Far East. One time I met an American visitor who told me he didn’t like Texas. I said, “Don’t be silly, Texas is a great place to be from–and right now, I’m about 8,000 miles from Texas.”
Please, please do elect Wendy Davis and Leticia Van de Putte.
418. No “fracking” way! Was rejected as the party’s new slogan by Republican anagram (aka Reince Prebus), thus eliminating Texas.
19. The Central Committee took one look at the State Party Platform and decided it sounded too much like it was influenced by Sharia Law.
20. Too many delegates have nut allergies to allow the convention to be hosted by: Cruz, Gohmert, Stockman, Delay, Abbott……
Pardon me just typing that made me start sneezing uncontrollably!
519. The state is already over its limit for snakes and our states have standards.
Know the difference between Rick Perry and Al Capone? Al Capone had convictions.
6Our SNAKES have standards damnit.
7And it looks like your gov isn’t in on the joke, either.
8https://twitter.com/dougmillsnyt/status/487001037929070594/photo/1
They thought if they moved the convention to Ohio Rick Perry might forget where it was! Oops!
9They can’t give birth to a new Messiah in Texas because they can’t find 3 wise wingnuts or a virgin wingnut.
They ain’t smart enough. When asked who was born in a stable and people have followed him for years,they all shout out RaceHorse Haines.
With all them damn Yankees invading Dallas wingnuts would have started the Civil War all over again.
Basically Texas isn’t White enough for wingnuts anymore.
10Cleveland has more water and a better class of people than wingnut Texas.
11Texas President Rick Perry informs us that Republican Party rules dictate the convention must be held within the United States.
12Why stand around Texas and watch tap water burn when the Cayahoga River in Cleveland was once on fire.
13Not a Bush to be found in Ohio.
14Think Progress believes the Rs made a huge mistake in choosing Cleveland:
15http://thinkprogress.org/election/2014/07/08/3457689/rnc-2016-cleveland/?
dan patrick might drool on them
no need to promote the most perfect political prositute texas has ever seen, perry will eat your mic.
the supreme court just elected wendy davis governor
the open carry crowd would all be there, advertising for idiots
16Secede?! We was just kiddin’ ’bout that!
17Dick Cheney might find out about open carry and come into the convention with a gun.
18Texas wanted Louie Gohmert to be the keynote speaker.
19They don’t want Ducky Boy at the after-hours parties.
20Ted McLaughlin, thinking you just scored reasons #1-20 that the RNC fled to Cleveland. Plus the benefit that Cleveland is too big a word for Word Salad Sarah to find them there.
Ohio or Iowa, both the same to the Iditarod Idiot, both four letters and south by north of her grift pads. Maybe we should tweet her and Jonie Pigsticker to inform them that the media is spoofing them. The RNC Convo will be in Phoenix and McGrumpy would be thrilled if they stay at his house. We can only hope he spends a rare weekend home.
21I’m judging from a distance, but it looks as though Texas Republicans are the crazy uncles roaming loose in the streets, requiring rational people to hide in their attics.
22If they had chosen Dallas, the whole bunch of them would have had to go to W’s Li-berry. The willfully ignorant just couldn’t be caught dead in a li-berry.
23Hot air from the convention would overtax wind farms.
Low unemployment means hookers here charge more.
Afraid the voter fraud rampant in the state lege is catching.
24Our Governor is NOT gay. Remember that, NOT gay at all.
2513. Every venue in Dallas has a fracking well in it.
26How about:
More Hobby Lobby stores in Ohio.
The convention needs to run on time to meet their TeeVee obligations so a Dewhurst clock from Texas just wouldn’t work.
Texas delegates need to travel to the convention out of state so that when they get arrested it won’t be in the local paper.
Perry can leave Anita at home, again.
Maybe this – – – they are actually scared that we are turning Texas Blue and know that coming here and letting us talk about them would only speed up the process.
27Actually, the way I heard it was the the Republican National Committee awarded the convention to Dallas, who promptly traded it to Cleveland. In return, Dallas will receive a first-round draft pick and two politicians to be named later.
28The GOP has lost every state where it’s had a convention in the last 20 years, which makes sense, because, if local voters get a good close look at a mass of them, they can’t vote for that much crazy. So the GOP is writing off Ohio in hopes of keeping Texas. It’s a backhanded compliment to the Texas Democratic Party that they won’t help you turn Texas Blue.
29Besides, it’s hot in Texas in the late summer. When they are saying all that hateful stuff they thrive on, the heat might suggest to them their destination when St. Peter gets hold of them.
a) because that’s the closest Ted Nugent will get to being in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
30b) because no Texas town has ever gone so far as to set their own river on fire… THIRTEEN TIMES
c) because they figure Steve Stockman will get confused and stay in Cleveland, Texas, wondering where everyone is.
d) because it’s as far as they can get from Mexico and still be in a swing state
e) Four words: Vice President Rob Portman
f) Three words: Texas in July
g) Three words: Rick Perry…oops!
h) Two words: Louis Gohmert
i) One word: TED
daChipster, all I can say is Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner, especially a.
31Earthquakes. GOP convention policy forbids scheduling a meeting in seismically active areas of the country.
32How about “We allow assault rifles (loaded) in buildings.”?
3313. Texas is screwed up. Our work there is done.
343, 2, 1 … it’s Obama’s fault!
35“Our Republicans are the wackiest damn Republicans in America.”
We’re number one! We’re number one!
36