Okay, it’s my third 25th birthday today and I’m trying to keep up with all my presents.  Honey, there’s a whole list of congresstoads who asked for pardons.  Y’all help me keep up with them all. You do not ask for a pardon unless you know you’ve broken the law. These are the best presents ever!

Louie Gohmert
Majorie Taylor Greene
Jim Jordan
Matt Gaetz
Mo Brooks
Scott Perry

Who am I missing?

Senator Ron Johnson pretended to be talking on his phone to escape reporters.

Ron Johnson pretends to be on his phone and is busted by reporter: “No, you’re not. I can see your screen!” pic.twitter.com/srNwfBGEec

— Ron Filipkowski (@RonFilipkowski) June 22, 2022

It’s gotten that they don’t even care when you know they are lying their butts off.

By tomorrow no fewer than 189 Republicans will swear on a Bible that they were on the phone with him when this happened.

It’s in the Bible, Y’all.

In his book someone else wrote for him, Herschel Walker explains that he has multiple personality disorder.

Someone asked him if that is a metal illness. Nope, he explained. And then he used his words.

“I tell them all the time. I say, dude, I tell them. Do our lord Jesus Christ have a mental illness because he said he’s the father, the son and the Holy Spirit?

“To me, those are three different personalities. So we’re not so much different than he is.”

I assume that by “we’re” you are referring to all of your personalities. Dude, you are way different than Jesus. In many, many, many ways.

And just wait until Trump find out that you think you’re God. Oh boy, the love-fest will be over then.

It probably comes as no surprise to you, but I am an ally of the LGBT community.  I work with OutSmart Magazine, of which my friend Glen Maxey (the first openly LGBT person elected to the state legislature) says I shouldn’t be because I am neither.

After all these years, I have discovered the Gay Agenda the haters talk about.

A record number of LGBTQ candidates are running for all levels of office this year, motivated in part by red states passing scores of laws targeting LGBTQ people.

At least 104 LGBTQ candidates have mounted campaigns for House or Senate seats this year.

All along, item #1 on The Gay Agenda was to be part of participatory democracy.

Helluva job, my friends.

Okay, so you’ve heard that Texas Republicans want to secede and, best I can figure they want to elect Ted Cruz as President of the Republic of Texas so he can run a revenge war against Donald Trump for saying that stuff about his daddy and his unpleasant wife.

That’s not how this is gonna work, Buddy.  First of all, Texas doesn’t have the right to secede.  That’s just a another myth brought to you by Republicans.  Texas does have the right to fly our state flag at the same height as the American flag but that and ten bucks will get you a frozen Margarita at any participating Bitchin’ Betty and the Sequined Backhoes at a beach along the Gulf Coast.

According to an Act of Congress in 1845, Texas would need congressional approval to divide into 5 states. But, and here’s the fun part, if we do secede we could give ourselves approval to into 5 states.

I’ve got a plan.  We could have —-

1. The Republic of Houston
2. The Republic of Dallas
3. The Republic of Austin San Antonio
4. The Republic of Hildago
5. And everything else can be Texass and they can have it.

They could put their Capitol building in Waco, Odessa, or Lufkin. I don’t  give a damn.  The whole thing.  They can have everything else but here’s the deal — no foreigners from Texass will be allowed in the Republics.  They can have every damn Waffle House in the state.  We’ll have the oil, the money, the culture, and hot sauce.

Yeah, they’ll get most of the armadillos but we get the baseball and football teams so it’s  a wash.  They can take the Baptist but we’ll get the Methodist so one point for us.

See?  This is a great idea.  They get pines, poverty, and Pentecostals.  We get NASA.

They just ought to let me do the figuring out with stuff like this. The Righteous Army of Rightwing God and Old Bloated Bigots don’t scare me.

You’d think a Senate candidate accused of spousal and child abuse by his ex-wife — to say nothing of the accusations he sexually assaulted and blackmailed his former hairdresser — might consider a less violent appeal to voters. Especially following an elementary school massacre.

That’s what you’d think.

But, here we are.

https://twitter.com/EricGreitens/status/1538876823978713089

Republicans – they’re gonna shoot you.