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Clay Bennett, Chattanooga Times Free Press

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Folks around the shop know that I am a big fan of conspiracy theories.  I subscribe to the History Channel and have a short wave radio just to keep up with where the aliens are and if Elvis has died yet. I was the happiest person in Texas during Jade Helm. That was a very dandy bundle of crazy.

Customer K sent me one this morning.  It starts off like this.  Out in New Mexico there’s all sorts of things looking at the stars because they have stars in New Mexico.  They also have Area 51, White Sands, and a couple of Air Force bases.  They also have ….

The Sunspot Observatory is temporarily closed due to a security issue at the facility that’s located 17 miles south of Cloudcroft in the Sacramento Mountains Friday, an Association of Universities for Research in Astronomy (AURA) spokeswoman Shari Lifson said.

The Sunspot Observatory is a place where they … uh, observe the sun.  They shut that sucker down for “security reasons” and ain’t telling anybody anything.  And the FBI and Blackhawk helicopters were involved. Isn’t that cool?

The local sheriff was called and asked to “stand by” but they wouldn’t tell him for what. Isn’t stand by kinda what local sheriffs do all the time?  Why would he need a special request unless it’s something, you know, weird.

In fact, the sheriff said …

He said he has a lot of unanswered question about what occurred at Sunspot. “But for the FBI to get involved that quick and be so secretive about it, there was a lot of stuff going on up there,” House said. “There was a Blackhawk helicopter, a bunch of people around antennas and work crews on towers but nobody would tell us anything.”

Now there’s a helluva start.

But it gets weirder.

They also evacuated a local post office and shut it down.  Nobody’s talking, but people keep saying they are responding to authorities but don’t know who the authorities are.  I admit, if some guy shows up in a Blackhawk and tells me to get the hell outta Dodge, I’m pretty apt to go without asking for identification.

The postal service spokesman said …

U.S. Postal Service spokesman Rod Spurgeon called the situation “strange” after authorities walked into the nearby post office without warning and told the clerk to evacuate.

However, another star gazing facility a mile away wasn’t shut down and has no idea what’s going on.

The observatory’s website said it’s closed “due to unforeseen circumstances.”

Latest report?

[Sheriff] House said they didn’t get any more answers at the observatory, but staff members told deputies the FBI had been there.

“Nobody would give us any information on what was going on,” House said, before the phone call cut out and repeated attempts to reach him again were unsuccessful.

Thanks to K for lunchtime entertainment.

I don’t talk about my own personal congressman much because he’s a piece of furniture.  He’s not smart, he doesn’t say much, he hasn’t carried any legislation, and, bless his heart, I’ve seen better looking mud fences.  His only redeeming social value is that he replaced Tom DeLay so he’s not Tom DeLay.

His campaign slogan is, “Well, I’ve never heard of you either.”

Pete Olson

And my district is so red that Democrats don’t even run anybody with any gravitas against him.

Until this year.  I’m supporting Sri Preston Kulkarni for this seat and he’s being taken very seriously.  That means that Pete has to get out and campaign.  Bless his heart.

He blew it and got caught.

I live in the most diverse county in the nation. Pete was asked to speak at the India House to celebrate India’s Independence Day.  And out tumbled these words.

“September 11th, 2001: 3,000 innocent Americans were killed by terrorists from Pakistan,” Olson told the audience. “26 November 2008, Mumbai: Two solid days of killing by people trained in Pakistan.”

Pete said he misspoke.  It’s just coincidence that he misspoke about Pakistan in front of an Indian-American event.

Republicans are jerks.

Y’all, Donald Trump is coming to Texas to campaign for Ted Cruz.

Beto O’Rourke answers —

On September 29th, Willie Nelson is giving a free concert with Beto in Austin.

Willie says —

“My wife Annie and I have met and spoken with Beto and we share his concern for the direction things are headed,” Nelson said in a statement. “Beto embodies what is special about Texas, an energy and an integrity that is completely genuine.”

Let me point out something else.  Ted Cruz said that Beto was bringing California to Texas “with tofu, dyed hair, and silicon.”

Uh Ted, your wife is a vegetarian.  That means she probably eats tofu.  Also, Ted, do you know what tofu is made of?  Soybeans. Do you know what state produces the most soybeans?  Yep, Texas.

Dyed hair?  Ted, have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?  Where’d the gray go, Ted?

Silicon?  Honey, you outlaw silicon and Fox News would have to shut down.

So, we’re left with Ted Cruz bringing New York City to Texas, and the craziest guy in the whole damn city.

By the way,  Trump said he’d fill the “biggest stadium in Texas” for a Ted Cruz rally.  Texas A&M’s Kyle Field seats 102,733 people.  Honey, don’t be throwing around words like “biggest” in Texas.  We take that very personally.

Barbara Res, form Trump employee in charge of construction, backed up Woodward’s book yesterday by confirming that Trump often badgers employees to do really stupid things, legal or illegal.  She told a story from during the time Cheeto Tower was being designed when the architect was showing Trump a mock-up of the elevators.  Pointing to the braille on the elevator buttons, Trump asked, “What’s that?”  When the architect told him it was braille, Trump ordered him to remove it.  The architect said that he couldn’t since it is required by federal law, pissing off Trump, who responded, ““Get rid of the (expletive) braille. No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower. Just do it,” and then called him weak.

So if anyone doubt’s any of Woodward’s story, don’t.

I got an email from a reader named Gordon that asked, “Can you get a straight answer….Does Ted Cruz have a family dog?”

Well, I called my top-notch research team at Google, and stumbled upon this little tidbit. Go to #6.

Thing one:  The puppy is named Snowflake.  Seriously.

Thing two: Does anybody else think it’s weird that Jesus is just like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy at the Cruz household?  Yes, Jesus died for your canine needs.  Look, if you’re going to pray for something, pray these kids get some decent damn parents.

Thing three: He posts his daughters prayers on Facebook just do he can look good?I not even think that Trump would do that.

So, no, Gordon, I wasn’t able to get a straight answer.

Thanks to Gordon for the question.