Okay, last night I made the mistake of watching the news after the ballgame.  It gave me a bad case of the rage.

I found myself strongly inclined to grab my megaphone, go stand in my front yard and holler as loud as I can, “F*** Giuliani! Just F*** that rotten sumbitch!” at all my Republican neighbors until they called the damn police and had me arrested so I could go to jail and get local newspaper headlines so the whole town would know that we should F*** Giuliani.  It was a plan. I had a plan.

I don’t cuss much.  It has taken me 18 months to hit this level of rage and for some damn reason Rudy pushed me over the edge last night.

First they tell me that Rudy, an impotent old man, decided to poke a stick at Kim Jong-un. From the Wall Street Journal …

President Donald Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, said North Korean leader Kim Jong Un got “on his hands and knees and begged” for their summit to be held after Mr. Trump canceled it in May.

I don’t know if Kim has a megaphone and Republican neighbors so he’s probably going to bomb something.  That’s gonna be his plan.

Then it got worse.  Rudy decides that he should pass judgement on Stormy Daniels.

“The business you were in entitles you to no degree of giving your credibility any weight,” Giuliani said of Daniels.”  Explain to me how she could be damaged. I mean, she has no reputation. If you’re going to sell your body for money, you just don’t have a reputation. I may be old fashioned, I dunno.

In the comments, he said he respects porn stars, but not “the way I respect a career woman or a woman of substance or a woman who … isn’t going to sell her body for sexual exploitation.”

He then went on and said Trump wouldn’t mess around with Stormy Daniels, saying, “Look at her.” He explained that Trump likes classy women.

So here’s a man selling his very soul for a little attention and teevee time looking down on a woman who sells her body. Her body ain’t crazy like Rudy’s soul. Sweet Jesus sat down with the prostitutes but he kicked the Moneychangers out of the temple. Somebody remind Rudy.

No, Rudy, you’re not old-fashioned. You’re just batcrap crazy.  No, I mean it. Sane people don’t even think like that, much less say it out loud. I mean, you gotta dump two levels of the Hierarchy of Needs to get to Rudy’s place. Honey, B F Skinner couldn’t find him with a one-lane maze and a pound of gouda.

Look, John get-off-my-lawn McCain is just crazy old man.  Rudy is eight shades of grey passed that.  Rudy is at the ‘it’s irresponsible to put him on teevee because somebody is gonna get hurt’ level.

F*** Giuliani.

I had to read this from three different places before I would believe it’s real.

On a conference call with state officials to kick off the start of hurricane season, Trump explained why there were so many people who had to be rescued after hurricane Harvey.

“Sixteen thousand people, many of them in Texas, for whatever reason that is, people went out in their boats to watch the hurricane,” Trump said. “That didn’t work out too well. That didn’t work out too well.”

Hold on.  I have to take a few deep breaths before I can deal with this.  Nope, a few more. Somebody get me a cool rag for my head.

First off, many of them were in Texas because that’s where the freekin’ hurricane was.  Surprisingly, very few people in Nevada had to be rescued due to a hurricane in Texas.  Equally baffling is the low numbers of Texas rescues from fires in California.

Second off, one does not “watch” a hurricane, much less from a boat.  People on the coast know about tide surges, what 110 MPH winds can do, and that 52 inches of rain alone would sink your boat.

But here’s the clincher.  Texas Governor Greg Abbott is still kissing Trump’s hiney.

When asked later to confirm if people were out on boats to gawk at the storm, Abbott said he had “no information one way or another about that.”

Dumb as a bag of hammers and admiring the King’s clothes, Abbott didn’t have the courage to explain that the boats came out after the hurricane to rescue people trapped in their homes.

People NOT out hurricane watching.

I would like to extend a warm invitation to Trump to come sit in Bubba’s bass boat to watch the next hurricane that hits along the Gulf Coast.  Now, y’all all tell him it’s a bunch of fun and that Hillary was too chicken to do it.

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I seriously can’t decide if he’s really this stupid or if he’s losing his mind. I mean, who doesn’t know the words to God Bless America?  Or, the story of Dolley Madison?

Texas, whose motto is: Thank God for Mississippi!, came in 47th in a ranking of safest places to live.

The WalletHub study compared various safety indicators across all 50 states, examining data on assaults, mass shootings, thefts, murders, traffic fatalities, workplace injuries, climate disasters and more. Texas came in 47th, just above Oklahoma, Louisiana and Mississippi.

And that didn’t even count the fact that Texas has 157 kinds of snakes and 151 of them can kill you.  It also did not include “Hold my beer and watch this” moments, but I think we’d have taken first place in that.

However, we did take First Place in the number of uninsured citizens.  Thanks, Greg Abbott!

Want to see where your state fell?  Click right here.

Bless Paul Manafort’s heart.  Like most people over 30 years old, he just accepts that computers are magic, and have no knowledge of how it works.

Remember a few months ago when it was revealed that the reason Manafort got caught trying to defraud the government was because he left a paper trail.  And he left a paper trail because he couldn’t convert a PDF to a Word file and had to ask for help.

Oh, the Antics of Captain Keyboard continues.  In the latest charge of witness tampering, Manafort used WhatsApp to send messages to people asking them to lie.  WhatsApp is encrypted so Manafort thought he was safe.  He was wrong. WhatsApp has a setting that automatically backs up the messages to your iCloud account.  Unless that feature is disabled, anybody with a warrant can see your iCloud account with all your WhatsApp messages fully spelled out in a nice order.

No wonder they raided his home by slamming through the front door. The man was fixing to break the Internet.

To deflect attention from the fact that virtually no one from the Philadelphia Eagles wanted to visit the WH to celebrate their Super Bowl victory with the worst president in US history, Trump abruptly cancelled the event yesterday, lying on twitter it was because players refused to stand for the anthem.  Lying again by saying that “1,000 Eagles fans” had come to town, Trump slapped together a “patriotic” celebration on the WH south steps with the Marine Band and Army Chorus.  Since there were actually few Eagles fans there, apparently the WH had to hustle up a bunch of staffers to fill out the the crowd on the south lawn.

But the funny part?  Mr. Super Duper Patriot not only doesn’t know the words to the national anthem, he REALLY doesn’t know words to God Bless America.  Have a look, courtesy of The Daily Show: