Some people can wear a cowboy hat and look great.

Other people … well, can’t.

Thanks to Gene for the heads up.

My numerological bible is FiveThirtyEight.com.  Their new model shows Bernie Sanders as having a 99% chance of winning tomorrow’s New Hampshire Democratic Primary.  But here at the salon, we play at the pro-level, which includes predicting not just the order of finish, but also the percentage of votes.

On the Republican side, Cruz received negative boost from Iowa, a particularly thud-like bounce.  Trump is still favored, but always in motion, the future is.  Predict at least the top 5 finishers, and their percentages, and take your shot for glory.  Predicting more than five increases your chances for winning my arbitrarily administered tie-breakers.

Have at it, wonks and wonkettes!  Tell us your predictions and achieve the same lasting fame as whoever it was that correctly called New Hampshire 4 years ago.  Yeah, them.  Four years from now, you could be “yeah, them!”

~Primo

It’s like a Stephen King book, y’all.

There’s some people – and I am told that they can read and write – who want Greg Abbott to be Donald Trump’s vice president.

“Trump — Abbott, that’s a ticket to make America great again and put the fear of God in America’s enemies, foreign and domestic!” Paul Nagy wrote in a recent post for The Hill, a Washington, D.C., online news outlet.

Abbott, who says he wants “to make sure that the presidential candidates understand the constitution” because, of course, only he does, has got his talking points in order.

Among his top priorities: banning sanctuary cities, creating “real ethics reform … not the watered-down version” passed in 2016, “criminalizing the sale of baby body parts” and continuing to push back against federal mandates.

He also said Texas should tighten its belt a little it but also try to give taxpayers some relief.

Abbott also noted federal warnings about refugees and said he believes it’s time “we had a president who heeds warnings … and puts American safety first.”

Okay, there are no sanctuary cities and nobody is selling baby body parts.  Abbott wants ethics reform the same way I want scabies.

As far as federal mandates – that’s the only thing standing between Texas and closing down all the schools and teaching children to just read the Bible and guess at math.

Excuse me, but a man whose party encourages their elected officials to give six digit salaries to all their unqualified buddies ain’t gonna tell me how he’s gonna tighten belts on the backs of poor children and old women.

Spread the word: Greg Abbott makes Dick Cheney look sweet.

Thanks to Kyle for the heads up.

About a decade ago, I came up with an idea for a book.  It was going to be about a guy who runs for office in Texas and uses Texas’ lack of campaign spending enforcement to support himself.  He buys himself cars, meals, vacations, you name it out of campaign funds. While that’s illegal, no one has ever been prosecuted for it.

Things got in the way and I never wrote the book but now I’m behind the curve.  It’s a thing now.

Scampaign- a political campaign whose primary purpose is not to garner votes and elect its candidate but to fleece contributors and enrich the consultants or even the candidate him or herself.

Donald Trump is spending money to make money.  Yeah, he’s spending his own money but he’s spending it at his own companies.

And Ben Carson’s friends all got rich off his campaign.

They stole my idea.

Thanks to Scott for the heads up.

Years ago, I used to work at a radio station doing the news. It wasn’t a bad gig except for the fact that it was a country/western radio station who considered Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings to be dope-smokin’ Jesus hatin’ hippies. Honey, there’s only so much Porter Waggoner and Tammy Wynette a girl can take without yelling shut-the-hell-up.

One time just before the noon news, a DJ who was particularly obnoxious to any women who worked at the station, put on a Wilf Carter, the “yodeling” cowboy, tune and ran for the bathroom. As records were apt to do years ago, it started skipping, and for all that is holy in heaven, I promise you that it sounded exactly like Wilf was yodeling the F word. Over, and over, and over. It was a thing of great beauty.

It went on for at least three minutes before the DJ got back. That same exact thing happened to Marco Rubio, and it was also a thing of great beauty, amusement, and the complete death of a political career.

Look, I’m not saying that Marco Rubio is a robot, but I sure would like to see him walk through a metal detector.

I’m putting this here too you can watch it again, and again, and again.

Thank you, sweet saints of robots.

Best line of the night came from my friend Bob, who said, “Hey, if I wanted to watch a fat guy scream at a little kid for 10 minutes, I’d go to Walmart.”

The anti-Choice forces in America really screwed the pooch when they decided to mess with Planned Parenthood, this time.   What were they thinking when they decided to take on Cecile Richards?  Did they think Ann Richards’ daughter learned NOTHING at her mama’s knee?

Mike DeWine is a twisted leprechaun of a man, devoid of even the most basic feelings of shame, inklings of logic, blushings of truth or beatings of a warm heart. So being a Republican lawyer/politician was not much of a stretch for him.  He was swept into office as Ohio Attorney General in that disastrous 2010 after a long career in the revolving door that is Ohio GOP Politics – US House, Lt Governor, US Senate, Attorney General.  If we follow the playbook, he should be running for Governor in about 10 minutes.

Now there is a rumor running about that the diminutive DeWine is actually an escapee of Oz. I want to assure you that there is NO WAY this could possibly be true.

Here is an evil flying monkey.

And here is Mike DeWine.

Clearly, you can see the difference: one is an evil minion flying around attacking people with brains, heart and courage and yanking young women into danger at the behest of his betters.  The other is a fictional monkey – and taller.

Anyway, when the GOP Fetal-Industrial Complex took umbrage with the absolutely false baby-part-selling videos, Planned Parenthood found itself the target of flying monkeys across Redstate America. But investigation after investigation cleared PP of all wrongdoing and in your own Texas, – yay, TEXAS! – actually ended up having to indict someone that they were hoping to lionize.

Here in Ohio as well, the snacilbupeR got out their sporks and started digging, literally, through garbage, because although PP was NOT selling body parts, it turned out they were doing something MUCH WORSE! They were par-boiling them in steam them dumping them in a landfill…in KENTUCKY!

Suddenly, gruff billy goats could cross any bridge in Ohio without fear of molestation, as the concern trolls left their natural habitats and flocked to Columbus in order to pass immediate strongly-worded anti-Woman bills to Fedex to Governor Kasich’s desk in New Hampshire.

Except, not only is the characterization of the sterilization and disposal methods of medical waste by Planned Parenthood COMPLETELY FALSE, it turns out that the State of Ohio disposes of their fetal remains in exactly the same way.

This is going to be another blow to the already-melting campaign of Carly Fiorina.

~Primo