Ted Cruz announced his intentions to make a damn fool of himself from sea to shining sea.

He forgot to register TedCruz.com.  Some else did.

He’s still denying climate change, a fact that caused California Governor Jerry Brown to quip, “And that man betokens such a level of ignorance and a direct falsification of existing scientific data. It’s shocking and I think that man has rendered himself absolutely unfit to be running for office.”

Andy Horowitz had the most fun of his life —

Disturbed Man Tries to Get Into White House

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A disturbed Canadian man wants to try to get into the White House, according to reports.

The man, who was born in Calgary before drifting to Texas, has been spotted in Washington, D.C. in recent years exhibiting erratic behavior, sources said.

And Ted tripped on the facts about the IRS, which is an agency he wants to abolish.  Cruz said there are 110,000 IRS agents.  He wants to send them to the border to stab Mexicans with their pencils.

In the real world, there are 16,000 IRS agents which is real close to 110,000 if you’re thinking in astronomical terms.

And appropriately this twit announced his candidacy on Twitter, shortly after midnight aiming, of course, to drunk college students.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Y’all, it’s Texas Huge Homely Honkin’ Homophobe Day tomorrow at the state capitol in Austin.  None, absolutely none, of the cool kids will  be there.

Jesus has other plans that day, too.

Please make plans to attend the Defense of Texas Marriage Amendment Rally scheduled for Monday, March 23rd at 1:00 pm on the south steps of the Texas Capitol. Please encourage your family, friends and fellow church members to attend.

Judge Roy Moore from the Aladamnbama Supreme Court will be there to lead Hate A Gay chants and explain once again why his son is a whining weenie, which is so much better than being gay.

They say that “over 100 elected State Officials” are sponsoring the event.  However, they didn’t have a disclaimer that some of them are so damn hateful that they should count twice.  There’s fines for that kind of stuff.

So, steer clear of Austin on Monday because the gay people who are terrified of being gay are taking over the south steps of the capitol.

The happy gays will be on the north steps.  They have rainbows.

Thanks to Herb for the heads up.

The Proprietor and Staff of The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., in upscale downtown Richmond, Texas, wish to announce the following:

Through the miracle of modern journalism we have just been informed that Senator Ted Cruz of the formerly Great State of Texas is going to announce tomorrow that he’s running for President of the United Damn States of America.

We are thrilled.

Ever since we heard Ted’s father, Rafael, announce that his son was “anointed to bring about a great transfer of wealth” we have breathlessly waited to see if we’re gonna be on the gettin’ or the givin’ end of that deal because Thelma needs new trailer and Verdelia has her eye on a leopard skinned golf cart.

We could use some wealth.

It’s always fun to have a seriously deranged man run for President.

Honey, when this one falls, it’s gonna spectacular.  I’m talking fireworks and crepe paper.

And to memorialize his days of wandering the dorm halls at Harvard in his paisley housecoat, John built us this.

This is gonna be a blast, y’all!

Remember how I used to tell you stories about our sheriff in my county who was so old that he still owed Noah a dollar?  And all the weird things that happened when he had an idea?

Well, he finally retired and we doubled down on goofy by electing this guy – Troy Nehls.

Nehls don’t know much about law enforcement and even less about social media. And science, math, the English language, his colors …. pretty much everything.

His office sent out a press release yesterday all excited that they had discovered a mess of credit cards, social security cards, driver’s licenses and wallets at a local picture show theater.  The process of discovering these wallets and credit cards – no cash – seems a little sketchy on its own.  But, it’s what they did after they discovered them that takes the cake.

The Fort Bend Sheriff’s Office just sent a press release to news outlets all over Texas that revealed the credit card, checking account, Social Security, and driver’s license numbers of hundreds of people. You see, the email contained a photo of these items that were kept in a lost and found room at the Santikos Palladium theaters in Richmond.

A few seconds later, the Sheriff’s Office sent another email saying that, on second thought, maybe that wasn’t such a great idea.

Yeah well, they put it on Facebook, too, asking people to come forward if they know who owns any of these credit cards.

How hard could it be to read the name on a driver’s license and look that up person or go to their home?  I’m just saying ….

Thanks, Sheriff, for letting the entire world laugh at Reba Frontage’s, of 2019 Avenue G, Rosenberg, Texas’ driver’s license picture.

Thanks to Kyle for the heads up.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal signed Grover Norquist’s sacred oath not to raise taxes, not realizing that Grover is weird.

So, because of Jindal’s oath, the paradise of Louisiana is already in debt and this year’s budget has a $1.6 billion (with a B) gap.  They are having to spend $1.6 billion that they don’t have.

It’s called the Rick Perry Syndrome:  Announce you’re running for President and destroy your state so you can pretend that conservatism works when it damn well doesn’t.

But there is a silver lining for us all.  Little Miss Karma paid a visit to Little Mister Jindal.  Even though he’s running for President, Jindal’s budget does not include money to hold a Presidential primary in 2016.

This is also a story about how Louisiana is so poor that — despite his White House ambitions — Gov. Bobby Jindal (R) didn’t budget anything for presidential primaries in 2016.

Last year, Jindal even signed a law to move up the primaries by two weeks to attract more national attention to Louisiana. But the money for those elections was nowhere to be found in the governor’s budget proposal for the coming fiscal year, as legislators discovered Wednesday.

Well, that’s kinda cool.  Looks like he stepped on his winkie in the process of screwing the people of Louisiana.

That’s fun.

Thanks to chloe bear for the heads up.

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