Guys, I have known about this story for two weeks.  I kept trying to come up with a way to make it funnier, but I can’t.  I give up.

However, you should not miss this story.  If for no other reason than to prove that crazy people live everywhere, including very Democratic Vermont.

So state Sen. Joe Benning — a Republican who was actually trying to do a good thing, which he has probably learned to never try again — introduced a bill to adopt the motto “Stella quarta decima fulgeat.” — May the fourteenth star shine bright.” Because Vermont was the 14th state, see? Benning noted that when Vermont briefly minted its own currency, it was engraved with “Stella Quarta Deccima,” so the phrase had real historical cachet.

He was doing this at the request of a school student.  The public response was amazing.  Go to the link and read some of them.

Thanks to everybody and their Aunt Matilda for the heads up.

I know a lot of people who like the Libertarian Party because they are anti-war and pro-pot.

Well, I think they’ve been leaning too heavily on the pro-pot part because that wacky-weed has made them doodle in the noodle.

First there was the guy who thought requiring food industry workers to wash their hands after tinkling was way too restrictive to business growth.  Now we’ve got this guy —

Fox Business host John Stossel on Sunday asserted that most government was unnecessary because companies like Walmart would spontaneously provide assistance to disaster victims “in many more ways” than the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) could.

So after Katrina, Wal Mart would have housed the 250,000 evacuees who were brought to Houston?  Well, I wish they’d have held up their hands to let us know about that at the time. And that Hobby Lobby would have been delighted to handle the disposal of hazardous waste material after Hurricane Ike. And that Chick-fil-A will repair levees, handle low interest disaster loans to small businesses, and reconnect downed electricity distributions lines.

Waiting on Walmart.

I love how Libertarians always point to FEMA as not working because FEMA did not work under George W Bush.  It works pretty darn well before Bush and after Bush.  Honey, just because something didn’t work well under Bush, doesn’t mean it doesn’t work well.  Nothing worked well under Bush.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

There’s a guy named Marcus Hiles who is a giant fan and contributor to Governor Greg Abbott and Lt. Governor Dan Patrick.

I mean giant to the tune of $702,600 during the past year.  Hiles is a developer in Grand Prairie, Texas.  So, the boys should have known that Hiles wasn’t donating in hopes of better government, but they liked him anyway because they’re not hoping for good government either.

Hiles was Greg Abbott’s third largest contributor.  Hiles was so popular with Abbott that he was named to “the prestigious 2015 Texas Inaugural Committee, which oversaw the swearing-in ceremonies and celebrations for Abbott and Patrick last month.”

Wow, that’s some high cotton.

Dan Patrick named Hiles to his advisory board.

Then the Dallas Morning News did what both Abbott and Patrick should have done before becoming beholding to Marcus Hiles.

One of the largest donors to Gov. Greg Abbott and Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick pleaded guilty two years ago to a domestic violence charge that included an accusation he choked a woman into unconsciousness.

Yep.  Marcus Hiles.  The incident was in October of 2012 in Las Vegas.

It’s a seedy story.  Hills met a 29 year old dancer at a Gentleman’s Club in January of 2012 and that “he had purchased a $160,000 Bentley for the woman, lent her $150,000 in cash and bought her expensive jewelry.”

At a party in Vegas, she “left his side for a little while” and that upset him.  I get that.  A man buys arm candy.  A man expects that arm candy to stand still, dammit. So, he beat her up.  Badly.

So here we’ve got us a woman whacker hosting the Gubernatorial Inauguration and sitting on Texas government advisory boards because he bought and paid for that, too, just like he bought and paid for a 29 year old dancer.

Somebody get Dan and Greg a pole and put on some music because they, too, are arm candy.

After being informed of Hiles’ admission of guilt in the case, both Dan and Greg say they are donating his contributions to women’s shelters because they are incensed at domestic violence.

Yeah, they are so incensed that they can’t even look at it, so they just look away.

I have to tell you something. Even without the whacking, I imagine most Republicans would not like the idea of a man who buys arm candy being on Republican advisory boards.  

It boils down to this: a whore is a whore. Dan Patrick and Greg Abbott are whores. And now, kinda like Hiles’ girlfriend, they have a black eye, too.  But the only pain they felt is the excruciating pain of returning money you thought was yours.  That’s real hard for Republicans.

You know, for a guy in a state that is almost totally owned by Republicans, Rick Perry is having one tough job with the judicial system.

Remember how I told you that Perry and his writ twits wanted a list of all the people who testified against him at the grand jury?

Well, they got their answer.  In legal terms the answer is – does a chicken have lips?

No.  The judge said No.

I don’t think he’s gotten a Yes even once.  I mean, Darlin’, the law of judicial averages says that the judge is going to be distracted and holler, “oh hell yes” at least every now and then.

Perry keeps saying that he wants to go to trial and clear his name.  So, tee that sucker up, Rick.  Let’s get this rodeo on the road.

Y’all have heard me talk about Texas Republican Congressman Smokey Joe Barton a couple dozen times.  His seat tray is not in the full, upright, and locked position.

He’s called Smokey Joe because he’s in the hip pocket of the petroleum industry.

He’s also a details man.

Barton on Wednesday successfully changed the bill number for his legislation repealing a decades-old ban on crude oil exports from 666, a figure frequently tied to the antichrist and Satanism, to the more anodyne 702.

“It quickly became clear that the original bill number carried many different negative connotations,” Barton spokesman Sean Brown said in an email. “We decided it was best to change it so people will focus on the content of the legislation, not the bill number.”

Yeah, because repealing the ban on exports of crude oil is evil enough with announcing Armageddon.

Thanks to Jan for the heads up. 

There’s a guy in Texas named Kory Watkins.  I ain’t saying he’s crazy, but … okay, I’m saying he’s crazy.

He’s the guy with a posse who marched into the Capitol of Texas on the opening day and proceeded to threaten Democratic State Representative Poncho Nevarez.  The next day, the state house voted to install panic buttons in each representative’s office but the citizens of Texas didn’t get one, which doesn’t seem fair to me.

Within a week, Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, who has said that Open Carry was dead this session, was meeting with Kory Watkins in his state office.  Seriously.  They let this guy into the capitol again and gave him bragging rights.

Here’s the selfie of that meeting that Watkins posted online.

So now I know how to get Dan Patrick to do what I want: go threaten Poncho.

So now Dan Patrick has said he will most likely bring and open carry bill to the house floor.

Kory Watkins wants open carry for everybody – convicted felons, people with mental health problems, wife whackers, everybody.  

Here is part of Kory Watkin’s response to the idea that the bill may come to the house floor after all.

Texans, I’m tired of jackin’ around. I’m tired of playing politically correct games. I’m tired of saying “Well, this is chess, and we gotta take this slowly.” No no no no. This isn’t a game. This is reality. And these are our rights that they’re playing with. Okay? And I don’t know if they forgot what their duty is but it’s to protect the Constitution. And lemme remind you. Going against the Constitution is treason. And my friend, that is punishable by death. That’s how serious this is…

I don’t think they wanna mess with us too much longer. They better start giving us our rights, or this peaceful non-cooperation stuff is gonna be, uh, gamed up. We’re gonna step it up a notch. I think here in Texas we’re tired of jackin’ around with people in suits who think that they can take away freedoms in the name of safety…

Yeah, we don’t need no stinkin’ safety.  And killing people who oppose you is your constitutional duty.

Screw open carry.  I want a drone, dammit.  How do they expect me to overthrow an oppressive government without a drone?  And some nukes.  A tank or two.

In your wildest dreams, can you imagine Ann Richards or Bob Bullock craving to a bully like that?  We have got to quit electing Republican wussies.  We do.

Thanks to Mollusk for the heads up.