Okay, so you get to hear some very cool rumors because – and you’re damn lucky that I stayed in Texas — I live in Tom DeLay’s old Congressional District.

The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., used to be represented by the most arrogantly evil man in Congress, Tom DeLay.  Now it is led by the most sadly pathetic man in Congress, Pete Olson.  Honestly, they call him “Furniture” because his desk is smarter than he is.  Add to that the fact that he has a speech impediment and you cannot understand a word he says.  He’s goofy looking and we’re not entirely certain that he dresses himself.  But, he is, and always will be a place holder.  He’s Phil Gramm’s puppet.

Within days of Tom DeLay’s conviction reversal by Republican judges, Tom began talking about running for his old seat again.  He’s decided it’s too soon this time since the filing deadline in Texas for the 2014 election is December 9th, but he wants to run as a vindicated persecuted hero in two years.

No, seriously, my phone has been ringing like a bad handbell choir with people anxious to tell me that Tom is doing a Reunion Tour.  He wants to go back to Congress.  I saw him get handcuffed and hauled off myownself.  I was there having a party the night before and the day after.  I never wanted to see him again.

Yes, of course, I still have my Tom DeLay chicken.

Okay, so Pete didn’t know he was a place holder and got to liking all the attention he gets as a congressman.  If I’m hearing about Tom’s plans, you know that Pete is, too.  So ….

Pete had decided to lead a movement to impeach Eric Holder.  He got 20 other Republicans to sign on with him, 8 from Texas. Yeah, his desk would have gotten at least 26.  Furniture.  Bless his heart.

Now we have 99 problems in my congressional district, and maybe Eric Holder is one of them, I dunno, but even if he is, he’s gotta be like 96 or 97 on the list.

Pete Olson needs headlines to beat Tom DeLay.  So, Holy Crap!, watch Mr. Placeholder become Louie Gohmert, Jr.

I swear that my congressional district is snakebit.  Somebody throw some chlorine in the hot tub – Tom is back.

Okay, your guess is going to be as good as mine.  Is this satire or not?

Using undisputed classified documents and photos, an anonymous whistleblower has revealed that thousands of women’s rest rooms in federal buildings have been fitted with cameras above and below the commodes, in a clandestine federal program to monitor potential terrorism and prevent rape.

“The leaker who illegally revealed this program will be found and prosecuted,” said House Intelligence Chair Congressman Mike Rogers. “There hasn’t been a single complaint about it, proof positive that it hasn’t invaded anyone’s privacy or harmed anyone until this leaker’s reckless actions.”

Commodes?  Leaker?  That’s just too clever to be true, right?

On the other hand … Who the hell knows?  They might have done that.

I flipped the coin and am going with satire.

All this is getting way too difficult for me.

Personally, I think satire died last night when the Mayor of Toronto discussed his dietary habits last night on the live electric television.  And the first sumbitch who tells Momma what he said is gonna get cut.   And will go straight to hell, too.

Thanks to Carl for the heads up.

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Remember what I just said about Oklahoma taking everything north of Dallas.  I spoke too soon.  They can have part of Dallas, too.  The Richardson part, which is still kinda north.

So the PTA at Richardson High School, who appear to be a real fun bunch, invited these folks to come to the school and get the kids out of class to hear a lecture on Are You Dateable?  It’s supposed to be Christian doctrine but when they speak at public schools they leave out the Christian but keep the doctrine.

Some parents checked out these guys’ website and decided, no.  Hell no.

“I am extremely troubled by the fact that Richardson High School would bring in an ‘expert’ speaker who holds the dangerous, misogynistic views that advance a rape culture such as those expressed on his website,” Clark-Soles said. “I was given no information about an unnamed speaker on an unnamed subject.”

At first the assembly was to be postponed, then students were told it would take place but be optional. It went on as scheduled.

The kids at the school, who are far cooler than their parents, began tweeting it as #lookadouche

You’ll want to read their Cool Rules.  One of my favorite ones is:

1. Men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.

They also have an R U Dateable test.

I took the test.  I failed.  Apparently miserably.

Thanks to Rick for the heads up.

There’s a joke around some parts that the only reason Texas doesn’t slide into the Gulf of Mexico is because Oklahoma sucks.

Well, maybe Oklahoma could suck a little harder what with all the craziness going on in North Texas lately.  They can pretty much have everything above Dallas.

A group of North Texas girls has come up with a plan.

I say girls because women would not do this to other women.

Where the hell did these girls learn about Jesus?  That’s what I want to know.  Did they go to JesusWorld in Orlando or see a Jesus H. Schwarzenegger movie?

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Let’s go to Target in Hurst, Texas, not far from the Wee Winkie Parade of last week.

Baby, Won’t You Light My Fire got a little edgy yesterday.

An employee at a North Texas Target accidentally shot himself in the hand with a gun dropped by a customer on Wednesday afternoon, police say.

Hurst Police Assistant Chief Steve Niekamp said a shopper with a concealed handgun license brought the .22 caliber revolver into the store at 1400 Precinct Line Road. As he was leaving, the small gun fell out of his pocket without his knowledge.

A store employee who found the gun thought it was a lighter and tested the trigger, shooting himself in the hand, Niekamp said.

Yes, they do make guns that look like lighters.  It’s an easy mistake and an excellent excuse to shoot your kid, too.

Thanks to Sandy for the heads up.