Texas Senator Ted Cruz, claiming he was not in Iowa because of Presidential politics but that he was either lost or drunk, maybe both, finally took on the birthers.

At least for white people.

Asked, however, whether he would be eligible to run for president, Cruz — who was born in Canada — said: “My mother was born in Wilmington, Delaware. She is a U.S. citizen, so I’m a U.S. citizen.”

“I’m not going to engage in a legal debate,” he added. “The facts are clear.”

Which is a really cool way of saying, “I said it.  You believe it.  That settles it.”

Honey, when a damn lawyer does not want to get into a legal debate, he’s either choking on brie or well, that drunk thing again.

Arizona, a member in strong standing of the Axis of Evil, has a dead solid perfect plan to insure patriotism in America.

They want to force high school graduates to swear to it.  They have introduced a bill that would require high school graduates to swear an oath under God before they receive their diplomas.

I, _________, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge these duties; So help me God.

Well, that ought to do it.  Signed, sealed and delivered.

Hell, I’d be thrilled if high school graduates in Arizona could name any of the Bill of Rights other than the second amendment. I have been to Arizona and I promise you that they couldn’t get a referendum on the Bill of Rights passed out of any city council much less the state legislature.

Better yet, Arizona, how ’bout we make members of the legislature swear to uphold the Constitution.  And Sheriff Joe Arpaio.  And Jan Brewer.

Good Lord, Arizona, do you have actually have any high school graduates?

Thanks to Norma for the heads up.

Thanks to John A. Kwitkoski for the amazing artwork.

Okay, so here’s a blue eyed kid  from Virginia who takes a job registering voters for the Republican Party.  He trashes eight voter registration forms in a dumpster back before the November election.

Colin Small, 23, was arrested in Virginia on Thursday for allegedly throwing eight completed voter registration forms into a dumpster. Small worked for Pinpoint, which was hired by the Republican Party of Virginia to register voters. In Virginia and other states, it is a crime to accept a completed registration form and not hand it in.

Small’s LinkedIn profile says he is also currently a “grassroots field director” at the RNC.

So, what happens to the case?

The young Republican who grabbed national headlines after being arrested for throwing voter registration forms into a dumpster before the 2012 election won’t be facing any legal consequences.

Case dismissed after a hearing.

Small, his college roommate and his – no shoot, I ain’t kidding – his tennis coach testified in his behalf.

Oh hell, if your tennis coach says it’s okay ….

Thanks to Rick for the heads up.

I think its cute when Texas politicians think that the entire country isn’t kinda giggling at Texas’s prospects of ever returning to the White House.

First there was failed one-term Bush.  Next came oh my God what the hell is he doing Bush, who almost single handedly destroyed America by choking on the flag and burning some popcorn or something.  Then came doofus Governor oops.

Now we have commie counting Ted Cruz dragging his tent to Iowa, leaving us in Texas hoping that they have poisonous snakes in Iowa campgrounds.

I want to make it real clear that I’m not saying that Rick Perry is gay.  I’m not saying that because Glen Maxey already did.  I am also not saying that maybe Ted Cruz is going to Iowa to follow Rick because there might be a crush involved here.  I’m not saying that because … oh hell, everybody else is.

However, if those two fellas get into a spat there will be slappin’ and spittin’ all the way to Ohio.

Anyway, Cruz didn’t have a welcoming party in Iowa.

Some local Republicans went all goofy, saying that we damn liberal don’t respect personal property.

.

You mean personal property like vaginas and uterus?

And, hey, I’m not sure of Ted Cruz and Rick Perry being in Iowa caused this, but I’m sure it didn’t help.  I couldn’t stay sober with those two around either.

Thanks to Dave for the heads up.

Usually when we say “crap in Austin,” we mean legislation coming our of the State House.

But that phrase has taken a turn for the worse.

When the Department of Public Safety Troopers confiscated tampons from the public trying to enter the state senate gallery, they justified it by saying the also found several bottles of “feces and urine.”  Not surprisingly, the feces and urine were in invisible bottles.  There is no record, no pictures, and until yesterday, no eyewitnesses.

David Dewhurst: Texas State Tool

Then along comes Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst, a man of recent political bad fortune, having lost to Ted Cruz, the ultimate humiliation for someone who can read and write.  Dewhurst claims he saw it with his own two eyes.

Dewhurst told Toby Marie Walker of the Waco Tea Party in a web-streamed interview that he “walked over to where [DPS] was screening” and saw DPS personnel “smelling” water bottles. “They had urine in it,” he said. Dewhurst, a former CIA operative, also said he saw DPS setting aside bags of feces to throw away.

Oh yes, in Texas, we encourage our Troopers to perform field tests of any suspicious fluids just in case it’s sarin gas, lysteria or medically toxic fluids.  Hell, Troopers are a dime a dozen.

Now I know there is not a chance in hell that Lt. Gov Dewhurst would lie to impress the Tea Party crowd who did not support him before and who he needs now.  But how the tarnation are you going to make a bunch of women defending their Constitutional rights look evil unless they are crap-toting witches?  His exact quote?

“Absolutely and it’s the same as myself I walked over to where they were screening and they were getting bottles out and smelling them, they were getting water bottles out and smelling and they had urine in it. And there were bags they had set aside and were going to put in the trash and throw it out, of feces. Just despicable. Despicable.”‘

Despicable me.

But it gets even better.

Rick Wiles, a radio preacher, got himself an eyewitness to the march on Austin who saw what really, really happened.

According to Wiles, the behavior of the pro-choice activists was literally demonic as “raw Satanic sewage coming up out of Hell” was running through the streets of Austin before he went on to warn that the “Obamanistas” are just biding their time until they can carry out a “mass slaughter of Christians”

Honey, if there was anything running through the streets of drought plagued Austin they’d call the priests to say a blessing over it.

However, there is one photograph of the bags of feces in Austin: