Just a heads-up to Texans that you do not want to miss the Roasting of retiring Democratic Chairman Boyd Richie.  Our friend Harold Cook is mc-ing.  They have conveniently scheduled it to follow the War on Women march in Austin on April 28th.

I am going to be in a foreign state that day but I asked Harold if I could give him $100 cash American money to come over to my house the following week and do it all over again for me.  He said no.  Unnecessarily loudly, if you ask me.  Plus, he said people were coming in from outta town and all so it just wouldn’t be the same.  Well, duh, I don’t want it the same.  I want it better than the same.  Hell, the 28th is just dress rehearsal if you ask me.

But since they are not going to have a repeat performance, you better get your tickets.

Even though I’m not going to be there, I bought 5 tickets to give to friends so they can write down all the good lines for me to steal later on. And you won’t know if I stole them unless you go, so you better go.

You can buy your ticket right here.

So this is local but it’s just more proof that I live in Disneyland and Captain Goofy is the sheriff.

I told you about the Sons of the Order of Chainsaws taking down a very expensive political sign of a man who is running against our retiring sheriff’s fair haired boy.

Best I can tell, the retiring sheriff’s boy, Craig Brady, plans on winning this election on Facebook, probably because this whole making speeches thing didn’t work out too well.

So, Brady’s opponent, Constable Troy Nehls, puts a picture of his hacked-to-death sign on his Facebook page.  Later, at 10:27 on a Friday night, while there is murder and mayhem and rape and burglary and drunk drivers and crooks breaking into houses, our sheriff, Milton Wright, decides that the best use of his time is … well, of course,  fighting political flame wars and spit fits on Facebook!

Good grief.  And to think they called it “social media” because it’s supposed to be sociable.

Frankly, we’re all a little surprised that the sheriff can stay up that late because he’s older than most rocks and, to his credit, just about as smart.  But, by gawd, he’s all a’glow with his crime fighting skills by posting this on the page of Brady’s opponent ….

You can click the little one to get the big one.

I blanked out the names of the innocent because it seemed like the right thing to do.

Our sheriff pretty much explains his 4% burglary solve rate by commenting, “good move if you can pull it off What kind of saw did you use Troy.”  Yes, the sheriff was absent the day they taught punctuation.

Now, I am not a law enforcement professional, but I am a beautician and can generally find my hairbrushes and bobbie pins when I need them without waiting for CSI to have a show on it.  So, I am asking myself this:  if Nehls wanted to take down his own sign and blame Brady for it, why would he pick his most expensive sign?  I mean, why wouldn’t he pick one of his cheap ones and leave a bunch of lawsuits around the scene so people would suspect Brady even more?

Thanks to other people rolling their eyes for sending me this Facebook stuff.

Yeah, there is voter fraud in Texas. 

True the Vote ought to all over this like green on grass, but oddly, it’s not even mentioned on their website.  In fact, they have been as quiet as a snowflake on a feather about it.

That might be because the tea party leaders in Montgomery County are the ones who committed the fraud.

Well, hell, it does say RESIDENCE Inn.

Seven tea partiers were indicted by a grand jury for voter fraud last week, and one of them was even a candidate for county judge.

More than a year since a state district judge ruled 10 Montgomery County residents voted fraudulently in a Woodlands election, a grand jury last week indicted seven of those individuals for illegal voting.

The indictments stem from the May 8, 2010, election of The Woodlands Road Utility District No. 1. Ten individuals listed their voter registration address as that of a hotel in order to take control of the RUD board.

Former Montgomery County Judge candidate Adrian Heath heads the list of people charged with the third-degree felony. Heath declined comment, saying he was looking into hiring an attorney. […]

Well, I do imagine you’ll be needing a lawyer because this is a third degree felony.

They wanted to take over an RUD so they all conveniently listed their permanent address as a Residence Inn Hotel.  Truth be known, they probably don’t have birth certificates, went to the hotel just to have anchor terrorist babies, and are welfare cheats, too.

Oh, and don’t let me forget to tell you that these are the same guys who wanted to put a fig leaf on the winkie part of Michelangelo’s David that was being displayed on top of a sporting goods store.  Seriously.  They also wanted an Italian restaurant to be Rated X because of some nude 19th century paintings.  Their children are not allowed to see art unless it’s a portrait of Jesus with eyes that follow you around the room, dogs playing cards, or Elvis on velvet.  You know, real art, not this nakkid stuff.

Thanks to MaryK for the heads-up.

Well, I think I might have mentioned it a time or two, I suspect the Republican primary for sheriff in my county may end in gun play.

It has already moved up to chainsaw play.

Republican candidate for sheriff, Troy Nehls, inspects what’s left of one of his political signs.  Not only did they chainsaw the legs off, they ripped the plastic coating supporting Nehls off the sign.

Locals will want to know it’s on FM723.  On private property.

Message sent, Boys.

I just want to remind the Sons of the Order of Chainsaw that the Democrat running for sheriff in November does not respond well to threats.  He jumped in front of bullets meant for two female bank clerks.  He’ll fight ya with a chainsaw and give you three turns heads start.

So, poor ole Newt is so broke that he can’t even pay attention and there’s cobwebs in his billfold.

He went from Tiffany’s and Greek Isle Cruises to WalMart and Bubba’s Swamp Tours because he spent all his money on trying to be President.  You’d have thought that somebody would pull him aside and say, “Newt, save your money.  You ain’t gonna be President.  You left two wives while they were sick.  You tried to impeach a President who gave us 8 years of peace and prosperity.  You look like a Weeble.  You have a very irritating voice, an even worse prissy attitude, and your grip on reality is oily and sweaty.”

But, no, folks just let him spend all his money and lot of everybody else’s, too.

So, what does Newt do next with his oily sweaty grip?  He trash talks his meal ticket – Fox news.

During a meeting with 18 Delaware Tea Party leaders here on Wednesday, Newt Gingrich lambasted FOX News Channel, accusing the cable network of having been in the tank for Mitt Romney from the beginning of the Republican presidential fight. An employee himself of the news outlet as recently as last year, he also cited former colleagues for attacking him out of what he characterized as personal jealousy.

Yep.  They are very jealous of Newt.  Here’s a guy who is in fifth place in a race where nobody likes the frontrunner and the second place guy just dropped out.

I mean, you gotta work at being 5th place in a field of 4.  You can’t do that by accident.

So, Newt just blew off his chance to make money and hear his own voice — which is kinda like a Gingrichgasm for him — on Fox News.

But, there’s a plan afoot.

Gingrich is playing footsy with CNN.

“In our experience, Callista and I both believe CNN is less biased than FOX this year. We are more likely to get neutral coverage out of CNN than we are of FOX, and we’re more likely to get distortion out of FOX. That’s just a fact.”

The whole article is a hoot for Gingrich mental health watchers. He claims that George Wills is envious of him and that he “doesn’t go to their Christmas Parties and cocktail parties.” Dude, they don’t invite you.

And the reason he thinks he can still win the nomination?

“I just had 15 people say ‘thank you’ for staying in,” Gingrich said. “We had 3,500 people send money to Newt.org online after 2 o’clock yesterday saying, ‘Please stay in.’ ”

I’ll betcha Mitt Romney is jealous!

Thanks to Jimbo and Prentiss for the heads-up.

Another Christian school in Texas has fired a teacher for getting pregnant, choosing to stay pregnant and wanting to marry her fiance.

If she would have had an abortion, everything would have been okay and the Super DeLux Brand Christians would have let her keep her job.

Now she’s unemployed, dropped from her health insurance, and worried about what she’s going to do.

She offered to go ahead and marry her fiance right now, but —-

Heritage Christian Academy headmaster Dr. Ron Taylor insisted to ABC News that he “had the feeling” the kids already knew she was pregnant so her marriage “wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“It doesn’t change that her behavior was out of wedlock,” Taylor said. “It’s not that she’s pregnant. The issue here is being an unmarried mother. … Everything that we stand for says that we want our teachers, who we consider to be in the ministry, to model what a Christian man or woman should be.”

Well, hell, get out the Magic Marker and put a big red A on her chest.

Thank you, Dr. Taylor, for explaining that a “model Christian man or woman” should be judgmental, mean, encourage abortion if a woman wants to continue to eat and pay rent, and act like  a big ole cootie infested hate machine.

You can see pictures of Dr. Taylor, who appears to be pregnant himself, right here.  You can even email him in the nicest possible way to explain how his behavior was very Christian.   It appears that his email address is: headmaster@heritagechristianacademy.org

One other thing.  What happens when a male teacher has hoochy outside of marriage?  I’ll tell you what happens – diddle squat.

Thanks to Carl for the heads-up.