They say you cannot have your cake and eat it, too.  That’s true, unless you are Republican Missouri Congressvarmint Vicky Hartzler.

At a townhall meeting, Hartzler went all off on President Obama’s birth certificate because, you know, not near has been said about that.

Oops, I accidently said "birth certificate" five times. I hate it when that happens.

“I have a lot of doubts about all that,” she said at the town hall. “But I don’t know, I haven’t seen it. I’m kind of, I’m just at the same place you are on that. You read this, you read that. But I don’t understand why he didn’t show that right away. I mean, if someone asked for my birth certificate, I’d get my baby book and hand it out and say ‘Here it is.’”

However, the next day, a man had to translate for her.  Her press secretary, Steve Walsh, translated what the congresswoman really meant, “the congresswoman is focused on job creation and the economy — not on the birth certificate controversy.”

You know, I gotta get me one of those man things to translate for me.

Newt admits he’s not going to win, but he won’t quit.  If you look up “gross chronic insanity” in the dictionary, that’s the definition.

But, ever overly impressed with himself, he had this to say:

“If I end up not being the nominee,” Gingrich said, “I’ve already talked to Chairman Reince Priebus of the Republican National Committee — I want to work this fall to help defeat Obama in any way I could. Whatever the team thinks I can do to be helpful I will do.” After that, he said, he’ll “go back to a post-political career.”

Okay, so what I’ve decided to do is to get Newt’s cell phone number and start texting him, pretending to be Reince Priebus, which shouldn’t be hard because … well, damn, have you ever heard Reince Priebus try to explain anything?

So, the way I figure it, a few texts of:

– Newt, say, “I have three wives but Mitt only has one.  Whoa, who is the Morman here?”  People will laugh at that.  Love, Reince

– You and Mitt can trade Tiffanys, Greek Isles cruise, car elevator, and the joy of firing people stories.  That’ll make you seem like regular folks. Hugs, Reince

– Newt:  most important — never shut up.  Keep talking and reminding people that you are the voice of the Republican party. Kisses, Reince

You gotta love Newt.  You just gotta.

Texas Republican Attorney General Greg Abbott is not the sharpest knife in he drawer.  In fact, he’s not even sharp enough to be a fork.  He’s the spoon, lapping up a government paycheck without working up a sweat.

He is defending the silly Republican redistricting fight, one in which the GOP is too embarrassed to reveal what they said in emails to each other.  But, Abbott is not doing much defending because he’s not much of a lawyer.  He’s is, however, privatizing the Attorney General’s office.

As Attorney General Greg Abbott fights for the GOP-championed redistricting plan, Texas taxpayers are spending big money on outside lawyers to help the state’s case.

So far, the tally for outside counsel in the redistricting battle is more than three-quarters of a million dollars, according to records released to the Houston Chronicle under the Texas Public Information Act. That includes bills paid, plus amounts the state has agreed to pay.

It’s no secret that Abbott wants to run for Governor in 2016.  It’s also no secret that he’ll expect kickbacks from some of these outside law firm fees to his campaign account.

Oddly, Abbott ran as a “Don’t Tread On Me” candidate.

How ’bout not treading on my wallet, Greg?  How ’bout that?

If you ever think about opening a hypocrite farm, you can use Greg Abbott for breeding stock.

It started off simply enough.  A young Alaskan college senior named Katya Wassillie, doing an internship at the office of a Democratic state senator, went to a committee meeting to try her hand at presenting a resolution to honor 100 years of Girl Scouting.  Her State Senator went with her and sat beside her to offer moral support.  That was a good thing.

Because then all hell broke loose.

Then came Rep. Wes Keller, the conservative Wasilla Republican filling in as chair of the committee. He had seen something on the Internet about the Girl Scouts, he said, and suddenly Wassillie found herself in the crossfire of the culture wars.

“I’m sure you are aware of the information that’s floating around the Internet, and I’d like to give you the opportunity to respond to your connection, the Girl Scout connection, with Planned Parenthood and the activist role in that — is there a connection? Is there not? Frankly, I haven’t looked into it but I see it’s out there. I just wondered if you want to make a statement on that,” Keller said. (An audio clip and video of the full hearing are posted here.)

Wassillie brazenly admitted that she not not fluent in internet rumor.   She froze.

Alaska State Rep. Wes Keller: Claims looking at Girl Scout pictures on the internet make hair grow on his palms.

Her State Senator picked up the ball and was pretty much amazed to discover that internet rumors link the Girl Scouts to cookie prostitution, badges for heroine production, and terrorist camp outs.  We’re not even going to talk about those marshmallow, graham cracker, and chocolate bars they make with total disregard for Jesus and local sodomy laws.  And, don’t forget that Ashton Kutcher divorced them, Charlie Sheen snorted them, and Angelina Jolie adopted them.

Republican Representative Wes Keller, who is only trying to protect America, stood firm.  When the Democrat asked for some idea of what the fool tarnation rumors he was talking about, Wes was ready.  Yes, siree, even though he admitted he had not done his homework on the Girl Scout internet rumors, he wanted to talk about the rumors, dammit.

“We’ll talk about that,” said Keller. “That’s part of the reason I’m not moving (the resolution out of committee), because I want to look into that some more then.”

To be honest, most of those present think he just wanted an excuse to look at internet porn.

The nights are long and lonely in Alaska, and if there’s not a war on women, then there’s only caribou to fight.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.

Honest to goodness, ain’t no joke, all kidding aside, swear on a stack of Bibles, pinkie promise, political sign seen today in Sealy, Texas.

Okay, so here’s the deal:  The Texas Republican Party had the regular meeting of their State Republican Executive Committee to do the work of the Lord.

At this meeting, they threatened Mitt Romney, supported Tom DeLay, and reminded us that they are for shrinking the size of Texas government so it will fit in a woman’s uterus.

Now, I need to stop here and tell you that the link above goes to a Republican website called “Texas GOP Vote.”  You’ll need popcorn for watching them fight among themselves, and Ajax to scrub off the vicious afterwards.

They passed a resolution warning Romney that if doesn’t come to Texas and debate against Newt, and Rick, and Ron, and Dopey, and Sneezy, they’ll show him a thing or two!  They’ll stomp their feet and whine for a straight hour and tell all their friends.

We basically told Romney that if he does not go to the debate, then we will take it to mean that he does not care about our large Republican state; and therefore, he should not get any of our delegates.

That is a strong warning from the largest Republican State Party in America!

The exact wording of the resolution does not say the word “warning”, but in my opinion, as one of the people who was there and voted on this resolution, the intent and tone of the resolution was to tell Romney that he had better not ignore us and had better come to our debate or else!

Or else, what?  You’re gonna put algae in his swimming pool?  Jam the elevator for his wife’s Cadillac?   Steal one of his houses and hope he notices?

And then to feel all manly and important, they passed a resolution supporting Tom DeLay.  Mind you, they passed a strongly worded resolution opposing due process.  Gee, they’d have had a larger effect by passing gas.

Another resolution of note was a resolution in support of Tom Delay. A liberal District Attorney shopped 3 Grand Juries in order to find one in the liberal Travis County that would indict Congressman Tom Delay for something that was not even against Texas law and no one has ever been charged in Texas for the same thing.

Uh, you missed something there.  Even after hiring the highest priced lawyer in Texas, he was found guilty at trial.  In addition, the Republican judge listened to the evidence, agreed with it, and sentenced Tom to the pokey for three years.  Next, no one in Texas has even been charged with climbing up on top of the Cotton Bowl and tossing hand grenades at the refs when they make a bad call, but I seriously believe that if someone did, they would, in fact, likely be prosecuted.   Almost lastly, you forgot to mention that the only character witness that Tom could find willing to testify under oath during the punishment phase of the trial was Dennis Hastert, who amusingly did prove to be quite a character.  Now lastly, you forgot to mention that Tom DeLay himself refused to testify under oath throughout the whole trial and punishment phase.   But, you support him, which kinda explains why you also support privatizing social security and letting children die outside the emergency room door – your thinking is not hamper by reality.

And then they passed two resolutions pestering abortion providers.  I’m not sure I understand the resolution completely, but it seems to me that they want to force the woman to have a trans-vaginal sonogram and then charge the doctor with rape for doing it.

Now after all that heavy-duty lifting, they want to call an emergency meeting of the SREC to make Texas a winner-take-all state.  Yes, they want to change the rules in the middle of the game.

They are hoping that Santorum will win Texas and that promises Republicans a brokered convention.

You recall how I’ve contended that Newt doesn’t want to be President, he just wants to debate Barack Obama?  Well, the Republican Party of Texas does not want to win the Presidency, they just want to feel important.  They just want to make a mess of things.  They are real good at that.  They’ve had lots of practice.  And, if you don’t believe me, you can pass a resolution saying so.