The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., in upscale downtown Richmond, Texas, announces today that they are conducting an official probe into Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s brain.

“Since Arpaio has never given us any indication or proof that he does indeed have a brain, we undertake this investigation to insure that the tenets of having a brain prior to holding elective office are validated,” said Juanita Jean Herownself, Proprietress and CEO of TWMDBS, Inc.

In homage to Sheriff Arpaio’s own “Cold Case Posse” to investigate President Barack Obama’s birth certificate, TWMDBS, Inc. has named their team the “Hot Case Prissy Posse.”

Also in homage to Sheriff Arpaio, Ms. Herownself will sponsor several fundraisers and major media events during the course of her investigation.  “Hellfire,” she said, “if I can’t get attention for my band, Bitchin’ Betty and the Sequined Backhoes, and a couple of bucks on the side, there doesn’t seem much purpose in this whole investigation venture,” she said.  “I learn that from Sheriff Joe,” she added.

Results of the Official Investigation Into Joe Arpaio’s Brain will be announced at Buck Pochek’s Rural Entertainment Promoters and Feed Store at a $200. a bowl chili dinner next month.  International media can attend for free and be given all the Lone Star beer they can drink before filing their stories.

Today is Texas Independence Day.  We celebrate 176 years of the Republic of Texas’ birth.

I want you all to know something about why I love Texas in spite of some of our crazy politicians.  We come from good roots and every now and again, we sprout a yellow rose of greatness like Barbara Jordan and Ann Richards.

Learn a little about  Juan Seguin, Sam Houston, Jane Long (who lived and is buried in my little town), Susanna Dickinson, the Treaty of Velasco and James Fannin.  We have tough smart and beautiful women and men of courage and honor.

Happy Birthday, Texas.

Oh yeah, Darlin’.  That’s Super Tuesday over there on the horizon, looking all dark and damp.  Shriveling up like a pill bug on asphalt and bringing the bad news to Republicans that nobody actually thinks they have a chance in hell.

But that doesn’t keep us from chortling and having fun.  Southern Moon Pie fun!

Yep.  The winner of this contest gets a giant – and I’m talking bigger than Juanita’s purse and the entire city of Del Rio, Texas – box of genuine Tennessee Moon Pies.  And since The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. spares no expense in bringing you the finest products known to mankind and womankind, these are the banana flavored  kind.  No siree, you bypass real bananas entirely so you have none of that unattractive brown speckling or needless nutritional value.

Lookie right here.

Welcome to the south, Sugar.  And speaking of sugar, these Moon Pies are guaranteed to contain more sugar than a herd of birthday cakes.  This is a lifetime worth of sugar.  Hell, child, half of one of these will keep you awake until August.  That’s why they call them “Lookout” Moon Pies.

Now, to keep this simple, we’re only guessing three of the many Super Tuesday states:  Georgia, Tennessee, and Ohio.  I threw in Ohio for you folks of the damnyankee mindset.

So here’s the rules.  Pay attention because if you don’t don’t follow the rules or if you get on my nerves, I’ll toss you out of the contest faster than a six legged jackrabbit.

We’re gonna take these in alphabetical order so it makes it easier to figure out who won.  For you mnemonic fans out there, remember GOT – Georgia, Ohio, Tennessee.  Not using this order will not eliminate you, but it will make me roll my eyes in your general direction.

First, rank the order of the 4 winners – Romney, Santorum, Paul and Gingrich.  You may use cute names for these folks without being eliminated, but if they are so esoteric that I have to stop and figure out who you mean, I’m eating one of your Moon Pies before I mail them.

The order of finish will be the first qualification to win.  If there is a tie, percentage of the vote will break the tie, so you’re darn smart to include the percentage of vote.

You may enter today or this weekend and then change your mind by Tuesday at noon.  However, you only get to change your mind once because you really do need to get some outside interests.

Get at it.  This box of Moon Pies ain’t gonna last forever.  Okay, so they probably will, but I’m mailing them next Wednesday come hell or high water.

The next time someone tries to tell you that this election isn’t important because Barack Obama is going to walk away with it so they don’t need to vote, show them this:

The Senate narrowly voted this morning  to block a Republican challenge to President Obama’s birth-control mandate.

The legislation, sponsored by Republican Roy Blunt of Missouri, was voted down 51 to 48. It would have let employers refuse to include contraception in health care coverage based on their “religious belief or moral conviction.”

That’s how close women are to being controlled by religious fanatics. That’s close enough to raise a blister.

Donate to your Democratic candidate for senate.  Here’s ours in Texas:  Paul Sadler.  Great Guy.

Irish President Michael Higgins to American right wing talk show host Michael Graham.

Proof, indeed, that you cannot throw a proper hissy fit without using the word “wanker.”

Thanks to Jimbo and Texas Kaos for the heads up.

Honey, Rush Limbaugh is just a shiver lookin’ for a spine to run up.

Funny, she doesn't look like a slut

Remember that lovely college young woman, Sandra Fluke, who wanted to testify before Darrell Issa’s committee but they wouldn’t let her because she doesn’t have a penis?  Remember how she’s a third year law student at Georgetown University and wanted to speak because Georgetown would not pay for birth control pills for a friend with ovarian cysts?

Well, come to find out, she’s a slut and a prostitute.

We know that because Rush Limbaugh said so.  On the electric radio.

“What does it say about the college co-ed Susan (sic) Fluke who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex — what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex.”

And that’s why people without penises cannot testify before congress on women’s issues.  It just brings out the sluts.

They say Rush later backed-off calling her a slut.  He decided she wasn’t a slut – she just has “round heels.” That’s pretty much worse.

Rush, as a fair to middlin’ member of the International Sisterhood of Bitches, including the Cackling Jezebel Consortium, the law firm of Bitch, Cohen, and Bitch, Happy Harlot Holding Company, Grinning Bitch Enterprises, and the entire Bitch Family of Companies, I have been authorized to say:  Shove it, you stinking son of a motherless goat.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.