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Dick Cheney was in Houston and got to gushing —-

“I worship the ground that Paul Ryan walks on,” Cheney said. “I think he’s an enormously talented individual and he’s trying to do the right thing. And [he] deserves all the support we can provide him.

I think you ought to take him hunting, Dick.

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Texas Republican State Senator Glenn Hegar, my personal state senator, voted against banning texting while driving.  Wanna know why?

Glen Hegar, The Oh My God What An Idiot Prize winner today

State Sens. Glenn Hegar, R-Katy, and Robert Nichols, R-Jacksonville, opposed the ban, saying it was too much government intrusion. Hegar wondered aloud if lawmakers would next try to ban burgers and sodas in the car. “The question is what do we ban people from doing in their cars?” he asked.

Okay, let’s sort this out.  Glenn Hegar voted FOR the government to force an instrument into a woman’s vagina against her will and  to force her ears open like something out of A Clockwork Orange in order for her to do something that is perfectly legal and Constitutionally protected in this country, but thinks government would be too big and intrusive to keep people from texting while driving.

My head hurts, y’all.

And Senator Hegar asks what do we ban people from doing in their cars?   Well, we ban you from driving while under the influence or not wearing your glasses or not having a license or breaking the speed limit.

Government has every right to be in the backseat of my car, you damn fool.  It is in the public interest, you hog hollerin’ son of a motherless goat.  But, Glenn, in your favor, you don’t drool much for a dumb guy.

So, maybe Glenn would be in favor of banning texting from your vagina while driving?

Y’all, I am so sorry to have to keep using the word vagina, but this is Texas and if you want to get a male Republican’s attention, you have to use it.  They certainly do.

Thanks to Edith Ann for the heads up!

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Well, change the vacation plans – Juanita cannot go to the vacation paradise of Utah this year.

In a major crackdown on prostitution a new law has made it illegal for people to touch themselves in a lewd way.

Two escort services in Utah have filed a lawsuit to try to stop the solicitation law, claiming strippers or escorts could be arrested just for acting sexy.

You can be arrested for acting sexy in Utah?  Is there any other way to act in Utah?

Look, let’s be honest, Thelma, who is 259 pounds and diets furiously to keep it under 260, has to touch herself in a way some might find lewd just to keep her leopard print spandex pedal pushers up.  And you gotta remember, Thelma wears open toed, sling back, do me like a dog pumps every day of her life.

Then there’s —-

The expanded law includes language that states that a person exposing their genitals or touching themselves sexually is an indication that they are offering sex.

Mr McCullough said: ‘Most girls who touch their breasts are not telling you they’re open for sex.’

So, how the heck are we supposed to keep our bra straps up?  Answer me that, Utah.

Under this law, you cannot have professional baseball games in Utah.  Think about it.  Have you ever been to a baseball game where at least one guy comes to bat making, errr … costume adjustments?  Heck, that’s the only reason most women even go to baseball games.

“Look,” commented Juanita on hearing the news.  “I certainly do not mean to be tacky, but take a gander at the woman who sponsored the anti-lewd touching, looking sexy law.  There’s a woman who needs some Thelma pants real bad.”

Verdelia jumps in, “Why, Honey, I think she ‘s trying to look like the librarian in every porn movie ever made.  Uh, not, of course, that I’ve ever seen a porn movie.”

“Of course,” everyone responded.

(Just a note to everyone headed to the comment section.  I understand that I’m skirting real close to the Momma line.  Be careful not to cross it.  She has a new bar of soap.”

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As our friend Deb says, “Old turncoats never die.”

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-Ga.) named a former conservative Democratic senator as a co-chairman of his 2012 presidential campaign.

Gingrich named former Georgia Sen. Zell Miller (D) and Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue (R) as co-chairmen of his campaign, and announced that current Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal (R) will lead the former Speaker’s campaign in the state.

Zell Miller in better days

Good Ole Zell Miller.  Honestly, I thought he was dead.  Zell got elected once and then faded away until Newt found him down at the bowling alley trying to pick up  the Fonza Twins, who were, by the way, the first twins elected Miss Peach Pit, 1927.

I can’t prove this, but I think Newt is running for President of Georgia.

I don’t think he can win that either.

But, if he does, it would sure be fun to watch.

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This is my boy.  He served his country in Desert Storm, always votes, and is a very productive member of society.

So, what’s he going to do with this picture now? John Edwards is a damn nincompoop. I think he and bimbo girl deserve each other.  Yeah, Edwards is holding an anti-Tom Delay cap.  Talk about two losers.

But, the good news is that my boy also has this one —

He’d walk through the gates of hell with one arm tied behind his back and give the devil three punches head start if General Wesley Clark was leading the way.

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Dude, thanks for nailing them.

The National Republican Senatorial Committee paid nearly $70,000 in February to settle a race discrimination case filed last summer by a former building manager, Keith Carter, according to financial disclosure reports.

In his lawsuit, Carter claimed that working conditions at the committee for him changed “dramatically” in 2009 after Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) brought in a new leadership team. The senator was not named in the lawsuit.

He asserted that he and the committee’s one other black employee, another building maintenance worker, were referred to as “boys” and that he was instructed to clean up the waste of dogs brought to work by other employees.