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Juanita had the livin’ daylights scared outta her when some of you guys started sending her email about the Alaskan who has been nominated for a high level position in government who wants to criminalize hoochy-koochy.

Gov. Sean Parnell’s appointee for the panel that nominates state judges testified Wednesday that he would like to see Alaskans prosecuted for having sex outside of marriage.

“Y’all need to warn me when you send me stuff like that,” she says.  “The first email I got cut off the sentence in the subject line, and I thought they were going to criminalize sex outside.”

“Not in Texas, you won’t.  I can promise you that.  Maybe in Alaska where it’s colder than a witch’s ta-ta in a brass bra in the shade of an iron commode.  But, not here.”

“Besides, if  you criminalize sparkin’ outside of marriage, there won’t be any Republicans to run for Congress.”

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I know you’re all wondering what I brought you back from the South Texas Summit in Laredo, Texas this weekend.

Please meet Donkey Oatie.  (Think about it.)  He will sit in front of the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. until November 2012 to bring us good luck.

We are pondering on letting Democrats who work in the 2012 election sign him and then auction him off.

So far, he has good manners and doesn’t eat much.

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Most of y’all know that Juanita believes Texas Congressvarmint Louie Gohmert to be so crazy that if you put his brain in a mosquito, it would fly backward and moo loudly.

Now Louie wants to punish children fr what their parents do.

Under a new Republican bill, families would lose their food stamps if even one of the parents is engaged in a strike against their employer.  In other words, if you want to feed your children, you have to work in unsafe conditions with no benefits and you can do diddle squat about it.

“Now, I know that Goofy Gohmert did not say,  ‘children worth feeding would not have chosen to be born to parents who actually do physical labor for a living.’  Nope, he didn’t say that.  He didn’t have to.  His bill said it for him,” Juanita remarks.

Thanks to Gramiam for the heads up.

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Juanita suspects they heard the cocks were really, really mean.  And armed.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio rolled out the tanks to take down a man suspected of cockfighting. West Valley residents in the neighborhood are crying foul after armored vehicles, including a tank, rolled into their neighborhood to make the bust.

And then under the category of No Shoot, Sherlock ….

“When the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what’s in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens,” Ross said.

The owner of the home, a Mr. Jesus Llovera, was alone and unarmed.

Thousands of dollars in damages were made to the property and 115 birds were euthanized on the spot. Llovera was convicted of a misdemeanor last year of attending a cockfight and has no history of owning weapons.

The kicker to all this?  The aging Hollywood almost-star Steven Seagal was riding in the tank.  He gets to use the tape of the incident on tv.

“Yep, there were some cocks fighting that night.  However, they were in a tank, fighting for attention,” Juanita said.

Juanita said that; she really did.

(Thanks to Ralph for the heads up.)

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Juanita is in Laredo, Texas, at the South Texas Democratic Summit, home of  Sergio Mora’s Best Margarita in Texas and some damn smart people.

There’s one thing Juanita wants you to know.

It is March 26, and it is 101 degrees in Laredo, Texas.

We Democrats did not cause that, at least as far as we know.  Juanita says that if you come to South Texas this summer, and Lord knows you should, come nakkid.  And if you can wear less than nakkid, do it.

I would like to personally thank Webb Democratic County Chair Sergio Mora, Michael Barnes, Rose Harrison, State Rep Richard Raymond, Judge Gilbert Hinojoso and mi chica amiga Cindy, my buddy Tom Walker, and fifty other Democrats who braved the weather to try to figure out how to win.

Do not count Texas Democrats out, Honey, because Juanita wants to win this time.  Doing it the same ole way doesn’t work.

If you live in Texas, please contact your State Democratic Executive Committee member and urge them to gut up and go for exercising their responsibility to the people who elected them to set a message and determine how that message is carried out.

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I met a fairy today, who said she would grant me one wish.

“I want to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after the Texas Legislature gets their heads out of their butts.”

“Oh, you crafty witch,” said the fairy.

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(With thanks to Cary.)