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Click the little one to get the big one.

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I am probably the last person on the planet to find out about this really cool thing.  I usually am.

You can find out what Glenn Beck has warned us about.

It’s work safe.  Have fun.

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Juanita was standing in the middle of the beauty salon this morning holding a copy of an email that was forwarded to her by David.  David is a good liberal man raising an amazing teenager daughter, so this email got under his skin so badly that he gave Juanita permission to post it on the beauty salon’s website.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Juanita requests.  “I’m gonna print this email from a guy named Joe Palazzo.  Your part is to let Joe know how you feel about his attitude toward First Lady Michelle Obama.  We will let David send this website with your comments to Joe so he will know how popular this is going to make him among the hooter toter gender.”

The picture?  Left to right – Princess Letizia of Spain,  French First Lady Carla Bruni, and American First Lady Michelle Obama.

Joe’s intellectual comment?

That is the kind of ass you get if you’re black and fill it with lobster and caviar.  Notice her forward lean with her tree-swinging arms slightly in front of her hips.  And look at the other two giving her room — they are kinda standing a little to the rear as to not get knocked down in case the black mamba should suddenly turn around to wave at the photographers.

“Okay,” Juanita says, “tell me, Girlfriends, how big is Joe’s winkie?”

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Our local Republicans will never win any award for making good yard signs.  First there was Tea Party County Commissioner Andy Meyers and signs for the 2002 election that gained him even the scorn of some in his own party —-

—- which was just damn offensive.

Now, the best they can come up with is this one I saw tonight in front of a local criminal defense lawyer’s office.

“Honest to gosh,” Juanita says, “I had to drive past this sucker three times to figure out what it said at the bottom.  Then I had to stop my car, get out, and climb in a danged ditch to take a picture.  Any pictures from the road weren’t readable at all.”

“So, let’s face it, it’s a poorly designed yard signs.  Too many words.  Goofy font.”

“However, that misses the point.  The point is that the GOP does not, I repeat not, need to be slinging mud in the spending department.  I know they’re all so old that they forget things, but how can anyone forget 8 years of George Bush running this country into debt?”

“I mean, who can forget that other than the old people who sit in their yards and yell at little kids?  I know they forgot it because they’ve overdosed on tea.”

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I know this is going to come as an enormous shock to the customers at Juanita’s Beauty Salon, but I have been tapped as the person to tell you that Glenn Beck is liar.

Juanita just can’t bring herself to say his name.  She calls him Buffalo Bob and his fans The Howdy Doodys.  “None of them will ever hurt their backs totin’ their brains,” she suspects.

It appears that Beck lied right there in front of Abe Lincoln, God, and a slew of Doodys.

During his speech, Beck claimed, “I went to the National Archives, and I held the first inaugural address written in his own hand by George Washington.”

Not so much.

It was an eyebrow-raising revelation and certainly an original image: Beck cradling the actual words of the first president. But would the persnickety gatekeepers of the nation’s historical legacy at the National Archives allow some talk show bombthrower to put his mitts on a rare (and fragile) artifact? The answer, it turns out, is no way. Beck was not telling the truth.

Good on America for not trusting Buffalo Bob with the good china, pointy scissors, or Washington’s first inaugural address.

And the Doodys will claim come hell or high water that through divine intervention, Glenn Beck truly was able to hold Washington’s inaugural address and the keys to the magic hot rod in his hands.