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The Republicans have their state convention in Dallas this weekend.  That’s where a whole mess of old white people get together and try to out pray each other.  Occasionally, they add to the excitement  by wearing silly hats to match their silly ideas.

“There will be the usual assortment of misspelled signs, Obama hating home schooled children, a hoard of people using Jesus Christ as their own personal weapon, and a couple of teenagers smoking dope in the parking lot,” Juanita suspects.

We are hoping that we’ll have some new picture for you this weekend of people who want us to let them run our country again.

If you live in Dallas and send us some pictures, we’ll send you a gift certificate for one cup of coffee at Juanita’s.  That’s a promise.

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Juanita is delighted with some good news she heard this morning.   Republicans are jumping on the Rand Paul bandwagon.

(AP) – Kentucky Republican senatorial candidate Rand Paul, whose antiestablishment fervor has endeared him to tea party activists, will collect campaign cash at a pricey fundraiser in the nation’s capital hosted by Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell.

Well, that’s a move as fake as a four dollar wig,” Juanita laughs.  “Paul, who was not valedictorian of the Clear Thinkin’ school, is now the darlin’ of the mainstream GOP.”

“I, for one, could not he more delighted,” she told everyone.  “It’s going to be entertaining to see the entire GOP walk around with Rand Paul on their shoulders.  I’ll be like watching the mouse carry the cat around.”

“And as far as the pittance of dignity remaining in Mr. Paul, which is thinner than a frog hair split four ways as it is, that gets sold to the higher bidder in McConnell’s back pocket.”

“This event proves once and for all that with sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.”

Lewis Black has all the answers.

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“I knew it would come to this,” Juanita is enraged.  “You let Republican women into politics and the next thing you know, they’re all cosmetologists.”

It appears that Carly Fiorina is the new Republican Women’s Brigade Fashion Expert.

“Or, so she thinks,” Juanita rolls her eyes.

WASHINGTON – Caught on an open mic as she was getting ready to go on CNN Wednesday, California’s new Republican senatorial nominee, Carly Fiorina, may have set a new record for most catty remarks per minute.

She repeatedly questioned her fellow Republican Meg Whitman’s “bizarre” decision to be interviewed by Fox host Sean Hannity and cracked herself up by mocking the physical appearance of her Democratic opponent, incumbent Sen. Barbara Boxer.

Boxer’s hairstyle, Fiorina laughed, is “so yesterday.”

“Let me tell you what is so yesterday,” Juanita begins.  “Stealing Hillary Clinton’s 1998 haircut.  That is yesterday, Honey.”

“Bless your heart, Carly, you poor dear.  If the worse you can say about your political opponent is that her hairdo is not to your liking, then you need to hang it up and go run for prom queen.”

“Okay, so here’s the deal.  All you girlfriends out there, let’s remind ourselves what is at stake here.  Our role as women is at stake here.  That’s too important a matter to be left to amateur cosmetologist wannabes like Carly Fiorina.”

“So, haul your rumps out in public today and make all the snide comments you can about Carly’s choice in shoes and her total lack of ability to accessorize. ”

“Carly has set the bar for this race and it’s our duty to uphold  her strong commanding example of American women’s leadership.”  (I hope you can hear the Star Spangled Banner in the background that Juanita is playing while she stands on her handy two step ladder.)

Thelma answer the call.

“Where’s Carly think she’s going in those Minnie Mouse shoes?” she shouts.

Verdelia joins in, “She can eat apples through a picket fence.”

“She ain’t got no butt.  You cannot be a United States Senator without a butt,” Buck throws out there to total silence.

“Well, it true,” he says.

“Buck, go back to fixing that sink and leave the high level political discussion to the women,” Juanita warns.

Click the little one to get the big one.

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For a long time, there was no contest on who was the most insane and corrupt Texas Congressman.  Tom DeLay held that title and the crown and robe that went along with it.

“And, boy howdy, he wore it proudly,” Juanita remembers fondly.  “Tom was so crazy that there wasn’t even a runner up.”

But, now, every Republican Congressvarmint in Texas is vying for Tom’s title.  They are doing well.  There’s Yachting Randy Neugebauer and we lay claim to Ron Paul and his offspring.   We’ve got Leo Burman, who thinks that God hates us and gave us Obama to prove it.  We’ve got Snookered Pete Olson and Prissy John Cornyn.  The adolescent Jeb Hensarling comes to mind and  now you can add John Culberson.

Culberson, who is so slick that he can’t keep his socks up, just loves him some big oil political contributions.  Since his district is landlocked, I suspect he felt pretty darn safe in saying —

Rep. John Culberson (R-Texas) took his opposition to the Obama Administration’s decision to enact a six-month moratorium on deep-water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico directly to the President Wednesday, sending him a letter that asked him to view the ongoing BP oil spill in its “proper historical context as a statistical anomaly.”

“A statistical anomaly?  Well, that sure makes me feel better,” Juanita announced.   “Up until now, I thought it was a catastrophic killer.  But now I know it’s just numbers.  Black pencil marks on white paper.  Simple.  Not threatening.  In fact, nice and crisp.”

She paused and then slowly turned red from her feet upward until she blurted, “People died, you damn fool.”

Texas:  Are they crazy when we elected them or does being a Republican congressman make them that way?