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Read this —

HOUSTON (CN) – Parker Drilling Co. bribed officials in Kazakhstan and Nigeria, and subsequent investigations by the SEC and Department of Justice cost the company $20 million, shareholders say in derivative complaint in Harris County Court.

The amount that Parker allegedly paid in bribes is not detailed in the complaint. But shareholders say company directors’ failure to ferret out the corruption violated the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.

And then go lookie at this — 4 pages of political “contributions.” 95% of them went to Republicans, but a few Democrats got bribes contributions, too.

No need to wonder where Parker learned that bribes work.

Oddly enough, the complaint says —

Directors breached their fiduciary duty to Parker shareholders “by conducting Parker’s business in countries with higher than normal risk of corruption, such as Kazakhstan and Nigeria, without implementing internal controls in compliance with the FCPA,” according to the complaint.

“Countries with a higher than normal risk of corruption?”

No kidding, they said that with a straight face.

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“If you think about it, it’s the Republican trifecta,” Juanita begins this morning with the Houston Chronicle in her hand.  “My Congressvarmint, Pete Olson, wants us to stop giving tax money to family planning organizations because then they can use their private money for abortions.”

“You add sex to money and then toss in a uterus and pour a little Aqua Velva on top and that, my friends, is GOP Viagra,” she is almost damn certain.

And in the most ironic use of the word ‘obvioulsy,’ we have this quote —

“Obviously there is no direct link between the taxpayers’ money and women getting abortions because that would violate federal law,” a congressional staffer said. “But this report helps track the offsets that we know are taking place at these organizations.”

“Pete Olson is just pounding his chest and this is the best he can do,” she says pitifully.  “Next he’ll want to stop having parking lots because some of them might be used by women seeking abortions.”

“The boy needs some pepper in his gumbo,” she concludes.

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In the Mother of All  Libertarian Craziness, Rand Paul doesn’t need no stinkin’ medical board to call him a doctor.

U.S. Senate candidate Rand Paul says he is a “board-certified” ophthalmologist — even though the national clearinghouse for such certifications says he hasn’t been for the past five years.

Rand Paul, who practices in Bowling Green, says he is certified by the National Board of Ophthalmology, a group that he incorporated in 1999 and that he heads.

But that entity is not recognized by the American Board of Medical Specialties, which works with the American Medical Association to approve such specialty boards.

“So. let me get this straight,” Juanita ponders, “he’s certified by his own board that he made up in his head?”

“I know there are voices in his head, but I doubt they’re all doctors.  Hell, I doubt they’re all even interesting,” she laughs.

“Does this mean I can say I’m a certified cosmetologist because Thelma and I and her Aunt Bessie Mae have a secret club that certifies cosmetologist?   If that’s the case, Baby, I’m a certified brain surgeon.  I can now get me one of those little rhinestone pins that says I Do Brain Surgery.  That would be kinda cool. ”

The Courier-Journal reported Sunday that Paul says he is a board-certified ophthalmologist because he has been approved by a group that he founded. He lists himself as the president and owner of the National Board of Ophthalmology, his wife is listed as the vice president and his father-in-law is the secretary.

“I haven’t been this bumfuzzled since I found out that Joe the Plumber isn’t a plumber and his name isn’t even Joe,” she admits.

“So, the way I see it,  Rand Paul may not be certified, but Honey, he most certainly is certifiable.”

“I’ll say Amen! to that and pass the plate,” Thelma piped in.  “Hey, Juanita, maybe we can start licensing drivers ourselves.  Save people time in the line down at DPS, and make a little money on the side.  The way I figure, if you can get here, then you can drive.  $15, please.”

“Yep – that will work,” Juanita agrees. “Libertarian licensing: a whole new internet scam and we’re on the ground floor.”

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An email from my friend Kary.

Did you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards still spells “race car”?

That “eat” is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, spells its past tense, “ate”?

And if you rearrange the letters in “so-called tea party Republicans,” and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Shut the hell up you free-loading, progress-blocking, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, violent, hypocritical buttholes, and face the fact that you nearly wrecked the country under Bush.”  

Isn’t that interesting?

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As you know, my friend Bob Cavnar has become star of stage, screen, and teevee.  He’s been on Countdown more times than Keith has.

Visitors here have known him over  there in  link box as El Jefe Bob for several years now.

I jokingly told Bob that if he ever got on Rachel Maddow’s show, I’d change his name from El Jefe to El Grande Jefe.

It happened.

Yesterday afternoon he let me know that he was going to be on Rachel that night.  I damn near broke my neck getting home to see him.  TIVO just ain’t the same as  seeing it life.  It was worth the run.  Tell me the size of cajones you have to have to be a Texas oilman calling for a moratorium on deepwater drilling.  Big ones, that’s what.

So, in keeping with my promise – take a look at El Grande Jefe.

I keep trying to get him to steal me something from the green rooms that i can auction off to make money for Democrats in Fort Bend County.  So far, he has not been sufficiently intimidated by my threats of knowing the word pequeño.

Way to go, Bob.  You do Texas proud.

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MONROE, Ohio – A six-story-tall statue of Jesus Christ with his arms raised along a highway was struck by lightning in a thunderstorm Monday night and burned to the ground, police said.

The “King of Kings” statue, one of southwest Ohio’s most familiar landmarks, had stood since 2004 at the evangelical Solid Rock Church along Interstate 75 in Monroe, just north of Cincinnati.

“They called it Touchdown Jesus because of the way its arms were held.  Now they call it ‘This is How You Hack off God Jesus,” Juanita announces.

In related news, the 67 foot statue of General / President / Senator Sam Houston still stands.  I just wanted you to know that.

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