o

Michelle Bachmann is needlessly nuts.

“She doesn’t have to be driving on black ice,” Juanita says.  “She’s kinda cute in that Minnesoooota flat hair kind of way and if we could do something about her voice being as irritating as a spoon in the garbage disposal, she might be passable as a date to the VFW Dance.  However, she’s been listening to the voices inside her head for way too long to let her talk out loud.”

Especially when she talks like this —

Firing back at former President Bill Clinton, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) on Wednesday defended her controversial “gangster government” criticism of Democrats.

Asked if she thought it was appropriate to use the term as American frustration with government hits record levels and lawmakers have received death threats, Bachmann told The Hill, “Absolutely, I do.”

“Okay, let’s be honest about this,” Juanita says.  “She’s an exhibitionist.  She would take off her clothes if that would get her attention.  It won’t, so she shoots off her mouth.”

“Honey, she could prance down the street with a feather hat, viking boots, a Mary Popppins umbrella, a herd of chihuahua dogs, and a boom box playing Be True To Your School at a deafening level.  It would get her the attention she needs without endangering anyone.  Plus, she wouldn’t have to give up any of her seriousness level.”

That’s a plan.  It truly is.

o

Juanita is beginning to think that life is a constant struggle against people who are not evil, just dumb.

Take Buck Pochek for example.  Buck doesn’t have the energy it takes to be evil.  Buck is just dumb.  Teabagger dumb.

The other day Buck was trying to argue that he has a right to as many AK-47s as he wants so that he can defend his trailer, which by the way contains the largest collection of empty beer cans in southeast Texas, not exactly a collection, just a lot of empty beer cans he calls a collection, and a semi-valuable glow in the dark Elvis painting on velvet that was rendered by an artist in Gulfport, Mississippi, from government forces.

“You would be hard pressed to find a government force anywhere on the planet with an interest in the contents of Buck’s doublewide or his brain,” Juanita explains.  “Buck does have a giant pickle jar of pennies, but I hardly think that would make a dent in the national debt George Bush gave us.”

“Buck thinks government forces are out to get him and put him in a re-education camp.  Hell, that’s not a bad idea since the first education didn’t seem to take,” Juanita explains.

“So, I asked him what the hell good did his AK47 do when the government has nuclear weapons.  And something called an air strike.  I asked him, ‘Buck, our founding fathers might have thought that having guns could protect them against a government with guns, but now we have a government with nukes.  Do you think you should be allowed to own nukes?'”

“Well, hell, yeah,” Buck answered.  “We could get us one of them nuclear standoffs.  If it worked for Russia and the United States of Damn America, it’ll work just dandy between me and Barack Obama.”

“Buck, if you can have a nuclear weapon, then so can your Ex-Mrs. Wonderful, Carol Sue.  Carol Sue has tried to shoot you three times and you having a gun didn’t scare her a bit,” Juanita tried to reason.  “You want Carol Sue to have a nuke?”

“Carol Sue cannot afford a nuke,” Buck reasoned back.

“Buck, neither can you, what with the child support payments to Carol Sue and the small fact that you are living on residuals from a slip and fall accident.”

“Yeah,” Buck continued, “But I enter the lottery every week and I’m gonna win that sucker and when I do, I’m buying me a nuke.  I’m a great American who believes in the 2nd amendment.”

Dear Lord, do not let Buck win the lottery.  Or if you do, please let him get distracted by shiny things and buy a NASCAR and a beach house in Gulfport, Mississippi.

o

I knew those Tea Party folks were skating on warm ice.

Come to find out, they aren’t going to be around for long.

But it’s not that the youngest voters don’t know what socialism means. It’s that most aren’t scared of it — and find it bizarre that, decades after the fall of the Berlin Wall, a political movement would center itself around opposition to it. The fact that both the tea party and the Republican Party have made vociferous opposition to “socialist’’ policies a key part of their rhetoric helps explain the tepid response among young adults.

“So, youth isn’t wasted on the young after all,” Juanita comments.  “However, poster board and magic markers are indeed wasted on old white people with a terrible attitude.”

o

Juanita’s feelings are a little bit hurt.

Her friend El Jefe Bob is over there around the corner getting his life threatened by the Steeple People.

Juanita has not gotten her life threatened since she quit doing restaurant reviews for the newspaper.  “That’s the damn truth.  I mean, I wrote about district court judges, crooked cops, dope dealers, and all manner of vermin, but I never had my life threatened until I did a bad restaurant review.  That was the only time I was truly scared.  They started heating up the tar and went to fetch some feathers.”

“Sure, I have a couple of stalkers.  One guy who has pretty well shuddup since I found out who he was behind all those anonymous comments – just another fat old bald white guy who lists his occupation as a ‘consultant,’ which means he’s unemployed. There’s another guy with so many sockpuppets that he should take his show on the road to children’s libraries.  And there’s the crazy middle aged woman who has her daughter call and leave classless vulgar messages on my answering machine,” Juanita smiles with some glee at the importance of her life.

“But, El Jefe is getting his life threatened.  Why?  Because he wrote things about Houston’s Mattress Mac, a local furniture huckster.  You gotta go see this train wreck.  Apparently, we now know what really hacks-off the rightwing:  food or furniture.”

“Friends, head on over and help El Jefe hold down the fort.”

Juanita’s not saying that Governor Rick Perry should live in a trailer park while the Governor’s mansion is being remodeled.

She’s not saying that.

But when his taxpayer funded rental has its own zip code ….

o

Juanita thinks that Goldman Sachs’ $3.5 million profit was due to them creating a leveraged derivative based on the probability of the SEC indicting them.

Just saying …