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This has nothing to do with politics, but I just wanted to let anyone within shouting distance of Houston that the TUTS’ presentation of South Pacific is every bit as wonderful as the reviews.  I was there last night and it was magical.

Grab some tickets and someone you love, and head on over to the gorgeous Hobby Center.

o

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“I fully understand that Louie Gohmert’s just an empty whiskey bottle in life’s honky tonk,” Juanita admits, “but some damn fool voters gave the boy the keys to the Capitol Building.”

Speaking shortly after he riled up a crowd at Tuesday’s Tea Party protest, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.) declared that “demons” – yes, demons – have invaded the capital (and likely the souls of Democrats), forcing lawmakers to mislead the public about the content of the health care bill.

“Did he say demons?”  Thelma, a provisional member of the Belles of Heaven Republican  Women’s Club knows a thing or two about demons.  In fact, you could pretty much consider her an expert being as how she’s been to three exorcisms, a few dunkings down at The River, two tent revivals, and The Sisterhood of Renewed Perpetual Virginity Annual Luncheon meeting.  All last month.

Thelma has told us before that demons is a Republican code word for Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and Michelle Obama.  “We can’t say what they really are, which is  ‘witch’ because the liberal media will tell everyone that we said a word very close to that one, you know, ‘twitch.’  Or maybe it was ‘glitch,’ I really don’t remember.  But, anyway,” she explains with great patience for those of us who are not Republican insiders, “we call them demons, which doesn’t rhyme with anything so the liberal media can’t get us.  See, demon … no rhyme.”

There are some snickers.  More than you’d expect from grown women.

Gohmert, who is about three-fourths of a half wit, didn’t stop at that.  No, siree, the boy was on a roll and was close to passing the plate and doing saving some souls.  It was obvious that Gohmert had moved from the female demons and was having visions of Hollywood proportions.

Gohmert insisted that the bill the House was set to consider would appropriate $700 million for abortions — defying the Hyde Amendment, which prohibits federal money going to such a procedure.

“I brought an abortion to show you today,” he said, hosting a copy of the health care bill in his right hand. The crowd responded with a chant of “Abort the bill!”

And then, out of nowhere, Gohmert began spreading the word that underworld spirits were lurking around the Capitol building behind him.

“Thelma, that’s just creepy.  Talk like that is just creepy,” Juanita says with more than her usual amount of exasperation at Thelma.  “I’m at the end of my tether with these crazy fellas.  It’s just health care, Thelma.  It ain’t a Jeeesuh-burnin.”

“Well, then how do you explain the demons?” Thelma asks smartly.

“Thelma, there ain’t no demons.  Louie is drunk.  He doesn’t have enough blood in his alcohol system.  Listen to me, Girl.  Louie Gohmert ain’t going to Heaven.  There’s a lot of spokes missing in his wheel and he’s acting the fool to get on the nightly news.”

“Well, I hope they get a good shot of the demons,” Thelma replied with all the sincerity a dead wrong Republican can muster, which is a powerful amount.

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9

Well, we thought that the mess at the Fort Bend Democratic Party Chair’s office was over with the election of Steve Brown and the defeat of Ms. Lazybones.

Not so fast.

Steve Brown does not take office until May 1st.

Crap.

For you folks from foreign states – in Texas, we do not register by party.  You are considered a member of whatever party you vote for in the primary.  You vote in either the Democratic or Republican primary and that’s the party you’re a member of for the next two years.

This has never been a problem.  Until now.  If Ms. Lazybones and her clique can screw something up, they will.  Rules are for lesser people than they.  Juanita, who is damn proud to be regular folk, ain’t all that dandy with people who think they’re hoity toity  and above the the law.  She got enough of that from Tom DeLay to last a lifetime … or two.

“Yesterday afternoon I found out that Ms. Lazybones’s long time official party secretary voted in the Republican primary two weeks ago.  Now, I know we have those awful joint primaries but that doesn’t mean that the Democratic Party officials can vote in the GOP primary.  It’s not that kind of joint,” Juanita laughs at the gall of it all.  “This is unfreekinbelieveable.  When I tell people, they say, “noooooooo.”

“Thelma, the damn Democratic party secretary voted in the Republican primary,” Juanita hollers across the room.

“Nooooooo,” Thelma hollers back, hoping she’ll finally get a raise.

“Not only did the lame duck party chairman hold a secret drawing for ballot order in the run-off with only 4 girlfriends invited to a private cozy luncheon to make these public decisions, they let the damn Republican participate,” Juanita said with questioning eyes toward heaven.  “Good Lord, nobody can be that dumb without stabbing themselves in face with a fork while eating tamales, and I did not hear an ambulance called to the restaurant.”

“It’s waaaay pass the point of where they can claim to be dumb.  We passed Bean Dip Dumb several years ago and Truly Did Fall Off The Turnip Truck happened last October.  We are swiftly approaching John Edwards Arrogance with a pit stop at Oh Dear God Take A Hormone Pill Woman Before I Smack You.”

“Good Lord, you know your political party structure is screwed up when your party officers are voting Republican,” Juanita sighs.  “Thank you God that they are leaving on May 1st.”

“Meanwhile, they are holding the precinct convention sign-in sheets hostage, won’t return phone calls, and have summarily ousted the senatorial district convention chairs and illegally replaced them their own little girlfriends.  We still haven’t had a treasurer’s report in 4 years, nobody seems to know who the precinct chairs are and they illegally added names of people who don’t exist on the ballots.”

“I know, I know, they are leaving.  However,” she says, “right now this minute would not be soon enough.”

Juanita hates it when a small group of women are damned and determined to make all women look petty, silly, mean, and filled to the brim with cornpone.

The damn Democratic Party Secretary voted in the Republican primary.

Noooooooo……

o

“Oh dear, I’m feeling a tad flushed,” Juanita said after reading this.  She keeps playing with a curl and, with legs crossed, tapping her new purple pumps against the desk wall in rhythm to some song in her head.

“Did you see this?” she asks Verdelia.  “Oh dear, I do believe we should ask this Grayson fella to the next VFW Dance.”

Juanita pointed to an article on the Internet machine that talk about Representative Alan Grayson calling Sarah Palin a “chillbilly” and there’s more —-

“In response to Palin’s attack on Rep Grayson, Grayson actually complimented Palin. Grayson praised Palin for having a hand large enough to fit Grayson’s entire name on it. He thanked Palin for alleviating the growing shortage of platitudes in Central Florida. Grayson added that Palin deserved credit for getting through the entire hour-long program without quitting. Grayson also said that Palin really had mastered Palin’s imitation of Tina Fey imitating Palin. Grayson observed that Palin is the most-intelligent leader that the Republican Party has produced since George W. Bush.”

“Honey, I could dance with a man like that!”

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u

You knew she wasn’t going to be able to stay quiet about it.

She decided to be the last to weigh-in on the Texas School Board.  She knew it was going to get dumber.  It, of course, did.

McLeroy wanted “to focus just on the enlightenment folks,” he said. “The enlightenment, the way I understand it, are the ones like Montesquieu, Locke, Hobbes, all those folks. And Jefferson was in another generation. The founders were building on the enlightenment.”

McLeroy said he wanted students to learn that the French Revolution was built on different ideals than the American Revolution.

“In the Americas,” he said, “it had a different basis. I’m not the scholar that can just pop those things out, I just have my general impressions.”

“I am not a hairdresser who can just pop these hairdos out,” Juanita says, “I just have my general impressions of what to cut next and that’s why your new do looks like crap.”

Thomas Jefferson has been removed from Texas school books because he wasn’t a Christian.  We also cannot discuss the enlightenment because that just might make little children think for themselves.  It didn’t stop there.

“Everything was about Religion. There was one [amendment] that said Battle of San Jacinto gave religious freedom. And one lady in the audience came up to me later and said ‘religious freedom? That’s when the Texas Rangers began hanging the Hispanics.

And to prove Juanita’s theory that conservatives are far too obsessed with s-e-x to be having a healthy s-e-x life of their very own —-

A discussion over gender roles was even more puzzling. The current curriculum asks students to examine how the traditional roles of men and women had changed since the 1950’s. But the seven staunch conservatives on the board said the feared the text would promote trans-sexualism and sex change operations.

“Yes, siree, if we explain that women in the same job as a man make 80% as much money, Little Johnnie will rush right out to have his winkie removed so he, too, can charmingly  make less money,” Juanita laments.

“Honey, they’ve cornered the market on cornpone,” she sighs.

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Turns out that there’s a guy out in Utah who resigned his state house seat.  Why?

“Well, he’s a Republican male, so go ahead …. guess,” Juanita grins.  “You know it’s going to be about hanky-panky, but the only question left is – how high on the kinky scale will it be?”

We’d give this one a 7.

Utah House Majority Leader Kevin Garn announced he was resigning Saturday two days after telling his House colleagues that he had spent an evening nude hot-tubbing with a 15-year old girl back in 1985.

And then in 2003, he gave her $150,000 to keep silent about it. And, come to find out, it wasn’t just one time.  And this is a shocker – there was hoochy koochy involved.

“I did the math,” Juanita announces with her jewel studded solar pocket calculator still hot in her hand, “and it turns out that this was the same exact time that Tom DeLay was in the Texas House pond scumming every hot tub in Austin while keeping his cocktail cold and his Bible dry.”

“I ain’t saying that’s where Kevin Garn learned the privileges of office, subsection hot tubs and babes.  But odds are that he figured that if Tom can do it, any other short chubby balding Republican male can,” Juanita says.  “Yikes, take a gander, either this guy did not age well or the poor girl worked cheap for only $150,000.”

“Now, I guess you can call the Utah House a lost cause because when the unHonorable Mr. Garn resigned over making sparks with an under-aged girl in a hot tub, they gave him a standing ovation,” Juanita shakes her head.  “And they explained that odd maneuver by saying that it was ‘tradition.'”

“Dumb, dorky me,” she ends.  “I thought that was only tradition in Texas.”

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