I hate to tell you guys a sad story on a gorgeous Friday, but you need to know that there’s a terrible fight going on at the TBN Christian Network.

For those of you who don’t know, the Trinity Broadcasting Network is a major televangelist group who work from the premise that if you give them money, God will give you money.   It was founded by Paul and Janice Crouch, a lovely couple with a lot of hair.  Lots.  Lord, I have no idea how much it costs to clean their shower drains, but I suspect that power tools are involved.

I have no way of knowing how much money God handed out to people who sent Paul and Janice their money, but Paul and Janice certainly got their fair share.  They got rich.  I’m talking Paris Hilton rich, but with more hair and significantly more Praise Jessssus.

The lawsuit alleges that Paul Crouch Sr. obtained a $50-million Global Express luxury jet for his personal use through a “sham loan,” and that TBN funds paid for a $100,000 motor home for dogs owned by his wife, Janice Crouch, a network director.

The suit also alleges that TBN bought residences across the country for its directors under the pretext that they were “guest homes” or “church parsonages.” The properties include mansions used by the Crouch family in Newport Beach; side-by-side mansions in Windermere, Fla.; and homes in Nashville; Miami; and Irving, Texas, according to the suit.

TBN directors received about $300,000 to $500,000 in meal expenses and the use of chauffeurs.

The directors also misused funds to cover up sexual scandals, the suit claims.

Now, I have to tell you that Janice’s dogs are real important to her.  She even wore one to her granddaughter’s wedding.

So, why shouldn’t your dog have her own $100,000 motor home?  And hiring a decorator for the motor home doesn’t come cheap. And I’m almost positively semi-certain that Sweet Jesus wants every dog to have their own motor home.

And what shows how much Jesus loves you if not side-by-side houses in Florida?

And as far as the sexual scandals, there wasn’t much to that.

In another case, the network paid a $425,000 settlement to a former employee who said he had a homosexual encounter with Paul Crouch Sr., who denied the accusation.

I ask you:  why would a man have a homosexual encounter when he is married to the finest drag queen on planet earth?  Answer me that.

Now here comes the sad part, Janice and Paul’s granddaughter just got herself fired from TBN because she went to her grandfather about  “illegal financial schemes amounting to tens of millions of dollars.”

Bless her heart, I guess she thought all those houses and motor homes and pay-offs were manna from heaven and could not possibly have anything to do with financial irregularities.  Isn’t that sad?  Poor child was born without a brain.

So, they are all suing each other and the only thing that’s going to come out of this unscathed is Janice’s hair.

So, y’all send them some money, ya hear?

In a highly related story, Italy’s prime minister announced that he was going to pass a law ending the Church’s exemption from local property taxes on its properties used for commercial purposes, including the houses of priests and nuns.  They suspect that will put one billion euros into taxes.

Thanks to Sam and Ken for the heads-ups.