When Republicans start looking for virgins in South Carolina, there can only be one reason: Mayan sacrifice. Rumor has it that there is only one virgin in South Carolina and apparently it’s become very important to find her.

If you been under a rock, you might not have heard that the Laurens County South Carolina GOP has some new rules..

You must favor, and live up to, abstinence before marriage.
You must be faithful to your spouse. Your spouse cannot be a person of the same gender, and you are not allowed to favor any government action that would allow for civil unions of people of the same sex.

You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography.

Okay, so here’s what I’m wondering. Who is going to be the virgin police? Does it require special training? And, most importantly, can I get some?

I hope they find the virgin soon so everybody else can go back to living normal.

Oh yeah, in case you forgot, South Carolina is home to GOP Governor Mark “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” Sanford. So, they have a lot of room to talk. Or hoochy.