.

Juanita’s friend Carl just called the Beauty Salon and roared into the phone.  It seems that Family Values Republican Congressman Mark Souder was just on the teevee machine admitting to his affair with a female staffer.

That’s almost a relief in Republican circles – at least it was a woman, not a farm animal.  And, best we know, there were no battery operated machinery harmed in the making of this affair.  Best we know.

Mark Souder, a Republican congressman from Indiana, has announced that he will resign his seat over an affair with a female aide.

Souder is a former House staffer who was elected to Congress on a “family values” platform in the Republican takeover of 1994. He won a tough contested primary challenge last week, 48 percent to 33 percent.

But, that’s wasn’t what Carl was hollering about.

“Juanita,” hollered Carl (Did I mention that Carl was hollering.  Real Loud?), “Souder just said that he needs to resign to get back in step with his Lord.  His Lord.  Can you even imagine?  Blaming his Lord for this.  No, no, n-o, no.  It is not Jesus’ fault when you do the nakkid with your staff.”

Juanita agrees.  It’s bad enough to haul your family into this when you screw up (or down, as the case may be), but to do the Lord thing is just distasteful.  “Didn’t these people learn anything from all the fun we had with Jimmy Swaggart?  I even think the Angel Michael laughed at Swaggart,” Juanita bets.

“Let me start by saying this,” Juanita begins, “Mark Souder is so slick that he could hold his own in a pond of eels.”

And listen to this —

“I sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff,” he said. “In the poisonous environment of Washington, D.C, any personal failing is seized upon, often twisted, for political gain.

“I am resigning rather than to put my family through that painful, drawn-out process,” he added.

“Oh no, he’s not resigning because he’s a hypocritical untrustworthy son of a motherless goat.  Nope, he’s has to resign because of his family,” Juanita says.

“And I wanna know who exactly made Washington Dee Cee a poisonous environment?  I’ll tell you who – idiots like Mark Souter and his ‘family values’ crowd of hateful, judgmental people.

“Walking with The Lord, my patootie!  I hope The Lord whacks him upside the head a time or two. Or five.”