For the past couple of days, Juanita Jean and staff and patrons of The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., have been trying to understand how a bank can have a “rogue trader” lose $2 billion (that’s a B) of their money.

Juanita banks at First Texas Guaranteed Alamo Savings Bank and Trust and can give sworn testimony that they sit in the vault every night counting every damn penny of her money.  They are terrified of losing Juanita’s money because she knows 17 ways to open a bank president’s office door lock with a hair pin and a can of WD40.  There’s no hiding from her.

However, Juanita’s bank does not employ former Texas Senator and Stone Cold Crook Phil Gramm.  UBS does.

Phil Gramm: already in the handbasket

As we’ve discussed in the past, Phil Gramm helps rich Americans hide their money in the cold Swiss vaults of UBS so they don’t have to pay taxes.  Juanita is pretty sure Gramm is going to hell for that.

So when the story first broke that UBS had lost $2 billion dollars, which – maybe coincidentally, but I doubt it – matches exactly this $2 billion —

The loss would effectively cancel out $2 billion the bank had hoped to save from a cost-cutting program announced last month in which 3,500 jobs would be axed.

So one month you fire 3,500 people to save $2 billion and the next month you lose $2 billion to a rogue trader.  What?  You didn’t want to travel all the way to Vegas to lose the money you made off taking people’s jobs?

What we couldn’t understand, though, was that “UBS said none of its clients’ money was affected by the rogue trades.”  What?  They have $2 billion that doesn’t belong to their clients?  Was it sitting around in candy dishes or something?  I know Phil Gramm ain’t taking a dime out of his pocket to make up for it.

So, today, Matt Taibbi finally explained it in a way even non-bankers can understand.  And he ain’t buying the story either.

The news that a “rogue trader” … has soaked the Swiss banking giant UBS for $2 billion has rocked the international financial community and threatened to drive a stake through any chance Europe had of averting economic disaster. There is much hand-wringing in the financial press today as the UBS incident has reminded the whole world that all of the banks were almost certainly lying their asses off over the last three years, when they all pledged to pull back from risky prop trading.

Go on over and read Taibbi’s article if you’re interested in watching Europe collapse.

My interest is in Phil Gramm’s role.  Did I tell you that I think he’s going to hell?  I’m pretty sure of it.  You remember Phil – he’s the guy who had to step down as John McCain’s adviser after calling us a ‘nation of whiners.”

Now, of course, Juanita has a plan.  She is a solution oriented woman.  Here’s her plan:  We empty the prisons of non-violent drug offenders, because prison ain’t helping them and they’re not hurting us.  That opens up enough cells to replace them with bankers, because – and I’m sure you’ll agree with this – bankers are far more dangerous.

Thanks to international banking expert Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads-up and the Frito Pie for breakfast.