Trump’s Compleat Idiot’s Guide
Customers maryelle and Rhea suggested books about Trump’s level of knowledge in the world. Incredibly, a secret manuscript for just such a book has come into my possession.
What I Know… by Donald J Trump, future President of America, Esq.
This is a very hard book to write but a very easy book to write, OK, because I know everything. Every. Thing. And what I don’t know about things like oh, the “Nuclear Tryout” I can probably learn about in oh, an hour. I’m that smart. Really. That smart. Believe me when I tell you, I’m smart. I ought to know, because I have a magnificent brain, and it knows smart from dumb. Winners are smart. Losers are dumb. And since I am the biggest winner of all time, I am also therefore the smartest winner of all time, and everyone who loses to me is dumber than me. It stands to reason.
What I know about politics is I won. I beat 16 other people to become the nominee. Hillary only had to beat 1 guy, and he was pretty used up, already, so I am at least 16 times smarter than she is, and 16 times the politician. I beat a black guy, an actual brain surgeon, because the blacks love me. I beat a broad, because the women, they love me. Oh, how they love me. They call me to find out if I will make them first lady instead of Melania. Come up to me on the street. “Oh, Mr Trump, you are such a man. I wish my husband were 1/16th the man you are.”
I beat not one but TWO Cubans, because the Hispanics love me. And they respect me, they respect my deep respect for their cultural goodness like taco salads in actually eatable bowls. Which was entirely my idea. Many people say to me “Mr Trump, that was entirely your idea. And they stole it.” I tell them, that’s OK. Don’t worry. My lawyers are on it.
I beat John Kasich, beat him like a drum, because the poors, they love me. He can spout all he wants about Christian values to the poors, but I know Two Corinthians, and they tell me that I am the greatest Christian since Christ. “Mr Trump, if you had been born first, Jesus would have been a Trumpian.” All the poors tell me that.
So I know I’m a winner, and everyone wants to be like me, or at least be allowed to be near me. Very few are allowed, let me tell you, very few, it’s an exclusive club, but without the secret handshake. Because germs. Germs can kill you. It’s why we fought the Great War and the other great War, the big one, WWII, back when wars were great. Vietnam was not so great, so I didn’t go. I like wars where we win, OK? Not loser wars. The world wars are great, when we fought against the Germs and their Germ Warfare. And we won by dropping the nuclear bomb on them after the Nuclear Tryout.
I know I will make wars great again, and they will be winning wars. We will win so many wars when I am President that people will say “Oh, Mr Trump, we can’t take all this winning. Can you give us a break and maybe lose a war? Just a small one.” Nope, can’t do it. Because losing wars is dumb. Which makes me smarter than the generals who lose them all. Every war has been lost by a general. Think about that. Every war has been lost by the generals. That’s why I’m so smart. This I know. The generals, they only know how to lose. Only I know how to win. Like with more nuclear tryouts. Why have them if you’re not going to try them out?
Let’s see, other things I know: I’m fabulously rich. I’m richer than anyone else who has ever been dumb enough to subtract liabilities from assets except in a tax return, which I cannot show you, because then everyone will find out how. I have the best health ever for someone of my age and health. I’ve never been to a psychiatrist who lived. Oh, here’s something else very important I know: if you mix a late night snack of Cheetos and Orange Crush, do NOT stand in front of the microwave while you are warming it up. A word to the wise is deficient.
Some people are saying that Hillary Clinton is evil, or crazy, or sick, or lying, or taking guns, or losing, or dumb, or crooked, or a murderer. Sad! I am not the type of person to repeat these rumors, but people are saying it. So there must be something there. So it bears repeating, but I’m not the guy repeating it. I’m just the guy retweeting it. Not the same.
In fact, I know there’s “something there.” There’s always something there. I am not losing this election, because I am smart, and smart people are winners, so I’m a winner, which makes me smart, which makes me not dumb, which makes me not a loser. So for all the people to be saying I’m losing right now means the entire world is rigged. It’s rigged, people. Any time I lose, it’s because someone cheated who wasn’t me. Therefore, I never really lose. Which makes me the biggest winner of all time. At a séance, Julius Caesar and Alexander the Great gave me the rest of the world, just gave it to me, like a purple heart, because next to me they are losers. And also dead. But they said to me “Mr Trump, blah blah blah” because they don’t speak English, which also makes them unusuable to come to this country on one of my world-famous H1-B visas.
The Most Interesting Man in the World? I’m still waiting for my residuals from a MEXICAN BEER stealing my biography. Not even an American beer! Dos Equis! They couldn’t come up with a real American-sounding name like Budweiser, Leinenkugel or like that? I’m sorry to tell you, that the Wall will also keep out non-American beers. But I have a lawyer looking into the other. Stay tort-y, my friends. I invented that line.
Hey, Rhea, I do know this! I am way past half a side of paper so… Nyah! And trees are over-rated. So hoax-y, with the global warming and the climate change and the carbon whatevers. Too much political correctness with the trees and the hugging. It’s disgusting! What’s next, marrying them?
Oh yeah, that reminds me. I beat Lindsey Graham because the gays, they love me. But not like the women do, OK? Nobody loves anybody in the history of the world the way they love me, especially the women, OK? Nobody in the history of the world. Especially the low education ones. Especially. Them. Low-education, it loves me. I will be the low-education President.
That’s all I know.
The End
Primo… take your hands off the keyboard and back away from the computer. Breathe deeply. Get some sunshine. Go take a walk. You’re beginning to sound just like The Donald. You’re scaring me, man!
(wink, wink. Good job Primo.)
1(No comment, too good for a comment) Breathless.
2Primo, how did you get a copy of that book? No, I don’t really want to know. I didn’t know Donald was capable of such an honest assessment of himself!
3“Some people” in the locked ward at the local mental hospital said…
4The only thing missing in that manuscript are a few dozen “Believe Me” bursts!!
5I agree with JAKvirginia … you have The Donald down pat … except for not throwing in a “believe me” a time or 50!!
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Excellent, Primo!!!
Well, that gave me the dry heaves, just like the real thing. And I’m a woman. And I’ve never believed him. As for loving him (whoops, there go the dry heaves again), I would vastly rather marry a tree.
Great parody, Primo!
6Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Clunk. (That was me. I passed out from laughing so hard.)
7Oh my God! That was eerie. It was as if the Drumpfster was in the room talking directly at me. I know Primo has an ear for dialect and dialogue, but I did not know he could transform himself and actually become the speaker. I only hope our Primo can return to the erudite and knowledgeable writer he was before. Come back to us, Primo, get out of Trump’s head now before it’s too late!
8And hes going to make all of us—Rich, Tall, Thin, and Blond.
9What a guy. I need a drink.
Primo, maryelle and JAKvirginia have an excellent point. Did you ever see Red Dragon? Edward Norton’s character has the ability to “inhabit the psyche?” of deranged killers, but he hates it, and fears it might infect him somehow. You sir are the steely-eyed missile man of Trump demonstrations. But it’s still 3 months till election day and you’re too valuable an asset to get lost in that hellish place. Come back to the light man!
10In case you don’t read DU:
I had a fascinating discussion yesterday with a patient who knows Trump personally…
This fellow was involved in business dealings, specifically, the machinations surrounding one of Trumps bankruptcy bailouts. I’ve known this gentleman for over 30 years, he is a no-nonsense, standard issue big-shot banker/businessman here in Philadelphia with many business ties to Atlantic City.
He said, and I’m barely paraphrasing, that Trump is a functional illiterate: that he has trouble reading and processing from what he’s read. He also says that Trump lies continuously about everything and the bankers realized that nothing he said was true, that he exaggerated everything about himself including financial statements and his fiscal behavioral intents. His lying is continuous and encompasses all subjects no matter how trivial. He’s a “low IQ serial prevaricator”.
My patient is an old-fashioned Republican who would no more vote for a Democrat than he would take a leak in the middle of Market Street. That being said, he stated to me that in his opinion Trump has no business being considered for any job whatsoever, much less to be on the ticket for the Presidency. He is disgusted and appalled. If you lose a guy like this, then you’ve lost everything as a Republican.
11@fierywoman – I’ve thought for some time now that Trump has a serious learning disability and for whatever reason never got help for it. He has just blustered and bluffed his way through life like many functional illiterates only he had (daddy’s) money to help him hide it. It’s finally, very publicly, catching up with him. I wonder if the pathological lying is one of the results of trying to cover up the illiteracy.
12Primo–I’m sorry, man, but you misspelled “nuculur”. Tsk tsk.
Other than that, you done gud.
13Somebody who was on The Apprentice said he was summoned to Trump’s office and sat there ignore for half an hour while Trump worked his way through a stack of magazines. Each one had a sticky note marking an article, and Trump went through each marked article, set the magazine aside, and reached for the next one. After a while the guy realized that every article Trump was reading was about Trump.
So he can read… but maybe only on his obsessive topic.
14@RA — yes, a learning disability and I get the feeling his father’s wealth paid his way through almost all his exams.
15Wonderful and just sounds like de trump. I’m in Australia and it is wonderful to read such accurate…and funny…takes on de trump. Hope you don’t mind my sharing…people here are very interested!!!
16People who think they know everything are so annoying to those of us who actually do.
17Primo! Primo’s bat landed squarely on Donnie’s head scoring the winning run.
And, for a picture of the st00pid lined up to vote for Drumpf:
18https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bZu7R2WCUIw/V6uWOP9GueI/AAAAAAAAE7o/LUsZtrVUFOAx9TygAFVm46hdqk_UBO8YQCLcB/s320/truth%2Babout%2Btrump%2Bsupporters.jpg
Hey, mags says! How is it down under? Jump in and let us know what your part of the world is thinking about us. Some in this country could use the reality check… not that it would do much good.
19It’s okay to laugh in Australia. Y’all aren’t threatened by the possibility of his getting elected where you live.
20winning a war? the last time the us won a war was granada, before that ww2
21Huh. Today I was watching the Olympics and had an insight. I’ll bet Trump is kicking himself right now:
“Why didn’t I apply this year? I’ll bet I could’ve won AT LEAST three gold medals! Probably seven. I could do that AND run my campaign with one hand tied behind my back, I could.
“THAT would show that Crooked Hillary! I coulda won – if only I’d trained up a little. And applied. The Amurkin Team woulda been lucky to have me! Hey, I’ll bet it’s not too late to apply now. And if they don’t let me in, by tomorrow at the latest, it’s proof that the system is rigged.”
[OK, I am now offering brain bleach to everyone here to get the pic of Donald Trump in a speedo or a leotard out of your head. Sorry about that.]
22Damn you two crows! I was thinking of a volleyball or rugby uniform. Send the brain bleach – Right Now!!
23ROFLMAO! Primo, you’re a genius, thank you for such entertainment. You really captured the word salad mode Trump uses. And illeterate doesn’t come close. He’d be a buffoon if not so dangerous.
24Bleah! My screen is all orange and sticky now…and it smells like a manly combination of Aqua Net and Axe, barely covering up the stench of a large Tdump.
25Oh, bravo, Primo!!
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